Should you isolate away from your partner if there's trouble in your relationship? Experts weigh in
It’s hard to find anyone who hasn’t been impacted by the coronavirus, but for people in unhappy relationships it’s been a long few weeks. Stay-at-home orders are still issued in most parts of the country and federal guidelines call for people to keep up social distancing measures.
But what if you want to distance yourself from the partner you live with?
People who have the means and resources might be looking to quarantine solo or with friends. Yahoo Life spoke with two relationship experts about what that might mean in the long run and other options one could explore first.
For couples who had relationship troubles prior to the coronavirus pandemic, isolating under the same roof likely amplified those issues. Rachel DeAlto, who appeared as a relationship expert on Lifetime's Married at First Sight and TLC's Kate+Date, explained why.
"Our lives outside of our home can offer some respite to a struggling relationship. When you are with one another 24/7, it can be stressful on even the healthiest relationships. In situations where there are troubles, those troubles can become magnified and even the smaller issues seem bigger," she tells Yahoo Life on Thursday.
DeAlto, who is a certified professional coach, said it's important for couples struggling to carve out personal space. Whether you're in a small apartment or house, find any area to take time for yourself.
"Even the smallest spaces can include an area that provides time apart, even if it's the bathroom. You can also take walks or drives solo," she suggests.
"In any relationship, it's important to have boundaries and your own personal space," she adds. "Couples who are struggling can recognize where they are at in their relationship, and set some ground rules to get through this trying time — i.e. not fighting in front of the kids, claiming a certain space in the home as a 'no interruptions' zone."
DeAlto notes, "It's important to remember that time apart in general is not a negative aspect of any relationship, in fact it's necessary. It's all about perspective."
But how much time apart is too much time apart? While DeAlto says "a break can be beneficial," her concern around isolating apart is "how long that break will be."
"If you need a moment to clear your head, but can come back together to work through or discuss your issues, isolating separately temporarily could be beneficial. I wouldn’t suggest isolating separately simply to avoid the relationship," she says.
Julianne Hough made headlines as she's quarantining away from her husband of nearly three years, Brooks Laich, amid rumors of marital strife. She told Oprah Magazine this week she's having "a magical time" reconnecting with herself. So, is that a really good idea for people who have the resources? Lee Wilson, a relationship coach who specializes in helping couples reunite after a breakup or separation, said it depends on the situation.
"It can be good because it can sometimes allow the smoke to clear and for reflection to occur. Absence can also help a couple miss each other if the relationship had at least some good to it and wasn't completely toxic," he tells Yahoo Life on Thursday. "The result can be a renewed appreciation for the other partner and the relationship itself along with a willingness to try again, even if it means going through some conflict."
However, Wilson cautions that isolating separately could be risky if one person feels relief.
"Relief that is felt by being away from conflict can be too much of a good thing," he says, explaining it could cause one or both to think "being without the other person is what they want permanently. Some people don't want to go back into conflict to get to the other side and would rather simply give up."
For those who choose to spend time away from one another, it could feel weird to come back together. As couples reunite, Wilson encourages people to keep things light at first.
"A few casual dates is a solid start," he explains. "And avoiding talk of the relationship or issues of conflict will allow for shared positive experiences that can motivate the couple to begin working through existing conflict at a later time."
He adds, "In situations where the two are at an impasse, a neutral-third-party can be helpful. However, it's extremely important that discussion of sensitive issues and hot-button topics be kept to a minimum. One of the things that I see as a relationship coach is that a couple often wants to 'get to the bottom' of an issue before anything else. The stress and difficulty of that can cause one or both to simply give up. It's usually best to commit to only positive interaction for a time. This can allow the couple to remember why they are together in the first place and what they love about the other person and the relationship itself."
Wilson says it's "perfectly OK" and even "helpful" to hit pause on discussing issues that have caused fights.
"Many couples who I have worked with even found that after committing to only positive interaction with each other for at least a month, the issues no longer seemed as important or detrimental and the attraction and warmth that the two used to feel for each other returned," he shares. "So remember, nothing says you have to reach an immediate conclusion or put all of the issues out on the table after separation or at any point when a couple is attempting to work things out. At the very least, negative and stressful interactions should be outnumbered by positive interactions and experiences."
Eventually, the time will come when each couple has to decide what the future looks like.
"In a situation where there is separation, and especially now in such unprecedented times of isolation, it's important to remember that it's not so much a matter of your partner knowing how much you love them," Wilson says. "It's important to take things one day at a time and let them come to you to a large degree."
Wilson continues, "When your partner reaches out, be warm and polite but calm. Do not beg or plead, but instead realize that the desire to reunite must come from within them and will not be simply because you want it to happen. It has to be something that they want, too."
Wilson urged people not to attempt "to fast-forward the process. Patience usually pays. Take things one day at a time."
Rachel DeAlto stresses the importance of communication and said there are healthy ways couples experiencing issues in quarantine can relate to one another.
"Avoid the blame game. People are far more stressed and anxious than usual and will likely not take kindly to someone telling them all the things they're doing wrong. Encourage the behavior that you love, and explain what is concerning to you by using sentences like 'I feel,'" she says.
"It's completely understandable that some relationships are under a greater stress after six weeks of quarantine," she adds. "I do predict that there will be an end to some relationships, because the challenges were easy to ignore when you are living parallel lives. I'd recommend not making any decisions until sometime after the quarantine is lifted, and give greater grace and empathy to your partner as well as your own feelings for the time being."
For the latest coronavirus news and updates, follow along at https://news.yahoo.com/coronavirus. According to experts, people over 60 and those who are immunocompromised continue to be the most at risk. If you have questions, please reference the CDC and WHO’s resource guides.
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