How to Show Your Partner You're Grateful for Them, Using Their Preferred Love Language
At least one of these five languages will really speak to your loved one.
No matter what time of year it is, showing your partner how much you appreciate them can do wonders for your relationship—but it can be an especially nice gesture following the holiday season, when reminders of gratitude and thankfulness are front of mind.
However, not all displays of gratefulness and affection are created equal. In fact, there’s probably one or two dominant methods of showing affection that your partner appreciates more than the rest, and it all has to do with their preferred “love language.”
According to author, philosopher and anthropologist Gary Chapman, there are five main ways people give and receive affection in relationships, which he dubbed “the five love languages” in his best-selling book by the same name.
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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
What are the 5 love languages?
1. Words of affirmation
2. Acts of service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality time
5. Physical touch
While every partner deserves to be shown love in all five love languages regularly, knowing which one or two are most important to them can help make your caring gestures even more impactful.
So, in the spirit of the new year, learning what your partner’s preferred love language is—and finding ways to use it to show your gratitude—is one of the best ways to shower your partner with love and appreciation. Just keep in mind that the love language that’s most meaningful to you might not be the same as your significant other—and that’s perfectly okay!
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How to use the love languages with your loved ones
Here are ideas for how to show gratitude toward your partner, using each of Gary Chapman’s five love languages, according to relationship experts.
1. Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation are just what they sound like: words of love or support that you share with your partner. So if this is your partner’s preferred love language, make a point to articulate the things you appreciate about him or her regularly.
“A lot of people compliment each other on beauty,” says Apollonia Ponti, a certified relationship and dating expert with her own podcast and online TV series, “but words of affirmation are highly effective when you can compliment your partner on something they've worked hard for." Certified life coach Lisa Petsinis, adds: “Messaging your partner during the day about the little things you appreciate can go just as far as the big pronouncements of your love. Text him things like, ‘I love it when you…' or text her, ‘You've totally got this!’ just before her next big meeting.”
Leaving a voicemail with a thoughtful message is another great idea, suggests Ronnie Ryan, author of the Amazon best-seller, Is He the One? Find Mr. Right by Spotting Mr. Wrong. “List a few ways that your life is better as a result of being together in your message. For example, you might say, ‘I’m so grateful to have you in my life. You make me laugh and I smile just thinking about you.’ Or, ‘I totally appreciate your love and support and know how lucky I am to have you by my side.’ Sharing the fact that you love and are grateful for your partner, combined with why, become powerful words of affirmation that will be most welcomed.”
Related: Sealed With a Kiss! 30 Romantic Love Quotes To Send Your Special Someone
2. Acts of Service
Acts of service or devotion are gestures where you perform a helpful task or “service” for your partner without being asked. The intention behind this is to make your partner feel good by exerting effort to do something they normally would have to do themselves, which saves them time and energy—and makes them swoon over your thoughtfulness too.
“One of the best things you can do to show your appreciation is unexpectedly step in to help when your partner is overloaded,” says Petsinis. While this is a kind gesture for any partner at any time, this works especially well if their dominant love language is acts of service. To take this show of appreciation to the next level, “Do something you don't particularly like doing—like cleaning the bathroom while she's out running errands,” recommends Petsinis, “and she'll be especially grateful back!”
Essentially, “The love language Acts of Service can be shown by helping your loved one out with something that requires their time,” explains Ponti. “The best way to think of this if you’re struggling for ideas is to do things that are completely selfless.”
For example, say your wife packs your kids' lunches every day of the week. In order to show her just how much you appreciate her regular efforts, take over lunch-making duty for a week, suggests Ryan. “Surprise her by having the kids' lunches pre-packed in the fridge and with a note laying on top of them from you, saying something like, 'Thanks for all you do for our family, but I've got lunch-making this week. You deserve a break!’"
3. Receiving Gifts
Most partners will light up when given a thoughtful gift or token of your love. But, if receiving gifts is your partner’s dominant love language, these tangible gestures can be especially meaningful ways to show your gratitude.
With this love language, it’s not about breaking the bank to impress your loved one. “The thought behind the gifts is what counts,” Ponti says. “Let's say he loves basketball. Surprise him with some tickets for him and a friend. Or for her, a spa day to enjoy with her best friend (or even you!) would be a great gift,” Ponti suggests, which shows both appreciation and thoughtfulness.
Just make sure the gift is hyper-personalized, since more “standard” gifts—like chocolates, flowers or a gift card to a favorite store—won’t carry quite the same meaning.
Related: 5 Steps to a Happy Marriage From Dr. Joy
4. Quality Time
Sometimes, it’s not the amount of time you spend together—but the quality of your interactions during it—that counts. And with life moving a mile a minute and so many things competing for your uninterrupted attention, carving out some sacred quality time for your partner can be a wonderful way to show your love. “The point is to share uninterrupted one-on-one time,” says Ryan. “That means no phones, no kids, no interruptions. Just the two of you enjoying each other’s company.”
“When you want to express your gratitude with quality time, choose something you don’t normally do together,” she suggests. “You might have a special date night with an at-home picnic, where you spread the tablecloth on the floor and get some great takeout. Put everything in a basket, just like you would in the summertime.”
You might even decide to start a new tradition together, as a way to prioritize regular quality time together, “like having coffee every Friday morning before work to celebrate the end of the work week,” Ryan says. “Even 15 minutes with each other can build intimacy and show your appreciation for everything your partner does for you."
5. Physical Touch
Sexual intimacy is a cornerstone of most romantic relationships, but for a partner whose love language is physical touch, their affinity towards touching goes beyond the purely sexual. It includes a desire for things like hugs, holding hands and simply sitting near one another too. The key to physical touch is to give physical love without expecting it to lead to something more.
“If you are grateful for the support your partner provides, here are a couple of ideas to express that appreciation with physical touch,” Ryan says. “Put your hand gently on your partner’s lower back, which offers support through touch. You might combine this by verbally expressing your gratitude as well."
“Another supportive gesture is to put a hand on your partner’s shoulder—or both at the same time—and gently rub and squeeze them,” says Ryan. “Many people hold stress in their shoulders, so when you do this, you might also say something about how you know they handle a lot of details or tasks and how much you appreciate it.”
If you’re unsure of which of the five love languages your partner prefers, try one of each out and see what resonates. Or, simply ask them and have a discussion about your love language preferences together. You’ll be glad you did!
