Sick of sick days? So is my boss

Last winter, in the middle of the “tri-pandemic,” I had a conversation with my boss that changed the trajectory of my career. “I just want you to get better,” she said nervously, after telling me to expect a call from HR that afternoon. “There are accommodations we can discuss to give you time to take care of yourself.”

I felt blindsided. Yes, I have two young kids and we had at least one illness a month for the past six months. The holiday season alone was brutal—we had covid the week before Thanksgiving, influenza A the week after and the finale when my three year old was hospitalized with RSV and enterovirus the week before Christmas. Each of these illnesses was particularly painful because after one kid would get sick, either my husband or I would be next, then the other kid—which means it  took two to three weeks for us all to feel better. But had my work actually suffered?

As I had this conversation, I was on day three of antibiotics for strep throat. My husband was so sick he’d gone to the emergency room two days prior. Once again, we were both stuck at home, sick and trying to take care of sick kids, while keeping up with our work deadlines.

Recounting all of this still stresses me out. Caring for a sick family member is incredibly taxing. Caring for two sick kids, a husband so sick he goes to the ER in the middle of the night, all while trying to work full time in a senior role—I want to cry for all that  we’ve been through. These are not run of the mill, every day colds.These are serious illnesses that require a range of protocols, especially for little kids who can only take limited over the counter medication to feel better. Did I clean the humidifier? Where’s the chest rub? When is he due for more Tylenol? Are they throwing up from the amoxicillin, or is this a new bug? It’s beyond exhausting.

There are so many failures here. In the US, and particularly post covid, childcare options are abysmal, family support is limited and the lack of support at work is the hardest to swallow. As a person who was passionate about their career before kids, it has been devastating for me to accept that I can’t do it all. I simply can’t be the employee I want to be while also being a parent, without making huge sacrifices for one or the other.

I wish coworkers were encouraged to be compassionate to parents

Despite all of these lows, I thought I had done a decent job keeping things afloat at work. I was a senior director on a small team. On most of the days I stayed home sick, I spent at least two hours staying on top of emails and sending quick messages to the two colleagues I work closest with, asking them to help with one or two urgent things I couldn’t do from home. I even brought my laptop to the hospital and worked bedside while my son was having breathing treatments for RSV. Coming from a person who is extremely considerate of others’ time, I never felt I was imposing. I’d received a promotion within the last year, and my weekly touch bases with my boss were always positive.

Until today. As my boss continued, she shared that she and the rest of my team were concerned about my health and also frustrated with my absence, citing the  five sick days I had used in the past three months. She was hesitant to give specific examples as she wanted me to discuss my options with HR.

I was honestly hopeful about this conversation. I couldn’t get her comment, “I just want you to get better” out of my head, and it wasn’t until that moment I realized how much I very badly wanted to get better too. I didn’t have a name for it at the time, but in hindsight it’s evident I was suffering from extreme burnout.

Sadly, the call left me with more questions than answers. The HR liaison quickly informed me that since no one was suffering from a long term illness, ADA or FMLA accommodations wouldn’t be applicable. As we talked, I vented to her that even if I take a day off to “rest,” I still have to pick up my kids from daycare by 5:30, or keep them entertained, fed and medicated if they’re home sick. There is no real rest for working parents, particularly mothers. She sympathized, but we both knew there was no solution she could offer.

I wish there was a better ending to this story. But the sad reality is this was a wake up call for me on the importance of working for a company that reflects my values at this stage in life—family friendly, flexible, compassionate. On paper, my former employer checks those boxes but, in reality, the culture there, and in our society in general, does not support working parents.

I don’t think I’m out of line in feeling pushed out for making the choice to have kids. I’m sure I’m not the only working parent who feels the same.

After a few months agonizing over my options, I transitioned to a freelance role, meaning I gave up my benefits and steady salary in exchange for freedom to juggle life’s uncertainties. I don’t regret it. It was the best move for my mental health and my family, but I do feel sad that it was the only option. Job hunting and starting a new role where expectations are uncertain feels too intimidating right now, especially as we enter into a new cold and flu season. In the past two months, we’ve already had hand, foot and mouth disease, and my youngest son had surgery to put in ear tubes after multiple ear infections. I would have been very stressed taking days off for this if I were in a new role or still expected to be in an office three days a week.

I wish that I had been able to get through to the leadership team at the company I worked for to make a better case for why flexibility is so important for working parents. Most of all, I wish coworkers were encouraged to be compassionate to parents. Someday, they may be in my shoes and wish their team had more to offer besides insensitive comments.