What Is a Situationship? Hereâs What a Psychologist Told Me About the Modern Dating Phenomenon
When I first met Harry (not his real name), I had a crush on his frat brother. It happened during my second week of freshman year at a Sigma Chi partyâice luge, âPandaâ blaring from the speakers, strobe lights and all. âAre you looking for something?â He asked, clocking my wandering eyes. I was scanning the packed, sweaty basement for his friend. âUh, no, sorry. Tell me your name again?â I realized my preoccupation was bordering on rudeness. âWhoever he is,â he said handing me a shot, âHeâs not worth it.â Well, the kid had my attention. âWho says Iâm looking for a guy?â I pressed. He smirked, âYouâre a 10. Girls like you always have a guy.â
You know where this story is headed. One shot led to another and by the night's end, Iâd forgotten all about his friend (who I later discovered had a girlfriend). At first, I remember feeling perplexed by this; Harry had a muscular build with neatly trimmed hair that didnât fit my usual âskinny stonerâ type. But talking to him was easy, like Iâd known him for 100 years. The familiarity of our banter felt addictive and intoxicatingâalmost as if he were a drug that was custom-tailored for me. When he texted the next morning, I could barely contain my smile in a 300-person lecture hall.
So then, it was five months later, and Harry and I were in constant contact. We exchanged quippy texts in class and snapped photos of the changing foliage and political protestors on campus. Weâd see each other every weekend, starting at Sigma Chi, and ending with our legs tangled beneath his denim blue comforter. Yet, despite how intertwined weâd become, there was a stuckness that seemed to define our dynamic. When Harry and I were together, we acted like a couple and I felt like his girlfriend, but he was adamant about âseeing where things go.â He refused to put a label on our relationshipâthe mere mention of the term âexclusiveâ twisted his face in painâand I was left with a lingering anxiety that heâd evaporate into thin air. Frat parties soon became about whether weâd go home together. Weekdays transformed into longing for when weâd see each other next. And when we would get together, I felt trapped between wanting him and knowing I needed more.
This, friends, is what a situationship looks like.
Stuck in a Situationship? Here Are 3 Red Flags to Watch Out For as Early as Date One
Meet the Expert
Dr. David Tzall is a licensed psychologist practicing in New York. He currently serves as Deputy Director of the Health and Wellness Unit of the NYPD and maintains a private practice in Brooklyn. After completing an undergrad degree in history, his attention shifted to psychology, earning a Psy.D. in Clinical Psychology. His training is in motivational interviewing and dynamic-relational therapies, and he specializes in trauma and recovery, substance use and interpersonal issues. In his practice, Tzall works with individuals and high-conflict couples, and as a parent coach and coordinator, he engages with parents in various parts of their developmental process.
What Is a Situationship?
âA situationship is a romantic relationship that lacks clear definitions or commitment,â Tzall says. âBroadly, it is a no-strings-attached relationship or emotional/sexual bond without a titleâpartners wonât define their relationship, place it into a category or set clear boundaries.â To that end, a situationship is different from a booty call, since it tends to breed âintense feelingsâ and âemotional intimacy.â While a booty call is about sex without emotions, situationships are all about sex and emotions (hold the commitment).
More to the point: Situationships are usually incited by one person who wants the benefits of physical intimacy without the pressures of commitment. For the other person, however, the dynamic can be emotionally draining: âFeelings of insecurity, loneliness and rejection can crop upâand the lack of clear boundaries can make it difficult to establish trust,â Tzall mentions, adding, âSelf-worth can be greatly impacted when this person begins to feel that they are not worth any type of relationship or love. This can all lead to low self-esteem, and for [anyone who wants commitment], situationships can be deemed as a toxic relationship.â
7 Signs You're in a Situationship
1. You Donât Put a Label on Your Relationship
Naturally, the first and most defining characteristic of a situationship is that itâs *not* a relationship. âIndividuals with commitment issues may prefer to keep the relationship casual (i.e., avoid putting a label on it) out of fear that it will become too overwhelming,â Tzall says. âKeeping it light and breezy reduces the anxiety for one person, but can have long-term consequences for the other.â Meaning that while one person might view defining the relationship as scary or anxiety-inducing, the other person might view it as an essential step forward. âKeeping a relationship as undefined denies the opportunity to navigate complex emotions and experiences.â
2. You Donât Make Long-Term Plans
Again, if you reference my scenario above, long-term planning was a pain point. Tzall explains, âPlanning anything for the next few months might be out of the question, as that would assume that the relationship is anything more than casual.â Thatâs why situationships are often built on day-to-day or weekly plans. âThe relationship isnât given time to breathe and play itself out authentically. Rather, artificial barriers are put in its way to prevent it from growing and maturing.â
3. Theyâre Seeing Other People
Part of the situationship agreement is that youâre not bound to each other by clear commitment. âSeeing other people suggests that the relationship lacks clear boundaries and exclusivity. In a committed relationship, both partners have agreed to be exclusive. However, in a situationship, partners may not have that conversationâor have decided to keep things casual. This can lead to confusion and uncertainty about the relationshipâs nature and future.â
4. You Arenât Introduced to Friends or Family
Given the fact that situationships exclude long-term plans and conversations about commitment, it makes sense why theyâre rarely introduced to family members (how do you explain this dynamic to your 80-year-old grandmother?). Tzall also notes, âOne partner may not feel the need to integrate the other person into their lifeâŚthey may wish to keep the matters of their social life private.â Plus, he says, âThis person may only reserve the opportunity for significant others to be welcomed into their family sphere when the relationship feels significant.â
5. They Are Inconsistent
If thereâs one feeling that hits the situationship nail on the head, itâs inconsistency. âA partner may be inconsistent about their feelings and behaviorâbeing warm and affectionate one minute, and cool and aloof the next. Communication can also be inconsistent, where one partner may be slow to respond to messages or avoid having serious conversations about the relationship,â per Tzall. âConsistency is a sign of a commitment as it brings about more transparency and trust.â
6. They Are Emotionally Unavailable
First and foremost, it might be helpful to read up on avoidant attachment styles. As far as situationships go, one partnerâs emotions might be âunclearâ and itâs hard to read whether âthey have genuine feelings for youâitâs difficult to distinguish whether itâs just a sexual relationship.â Tzall explains, âThey may not express how theyâre really feeling, what the dynamic means to themâŚtheyâll often speak in generalities.â To that end, both parties âmay be hesitant to open up or share what they are truly feeling.â
7. Theyâre Sticking Around for the Attention
Finally, thereâs the question of why one would opt for a situationshipâespecially since itâs about more than just sexual gratification. According to Tzall, it could be because the person who shies away from commitment enjoys the attention more than they like their partner. More specifically, it could be that they âenjoy the time you spend together, and the attention theyâre getting, but this person canât picture a future together,â he concludes.
What Does a Situationship Look Like?
1. When You Canât Talk About the Future
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Anyone whoâs binged Sex and The City will tell you: Carrie and Big were the OG situationship. For those who havenât watched, Big is a commitment-phobe who, despite having strong feelings for Carrie, refuses to move the relationship forward. Despite Carrieâs best efforts, sheâs unable to engage in real conversations about the future she wants to build with Big. Whether itâs his urge to âsee other peopleâ or deciding to move to Paris on a whim, he refuses to factor Carrie into his long-term plans. In fact, this aversion to commitment spurred an entire theory of its own: Taxi Cab theory. As Carrieâs friend Miranda says in an episode, âMen are like cabs; when theyâre available, their light goes on. They wake up one day and decide theyâre ready to settle down, have babies, (whatever), and turn their lights on. The next woman they pick up, boom! Thatâs the one theyâll marry. Itâs not fate, itâs dumb luck.â In that sense, this type of situationship is dictated by timing and emotional unavailability: Commitment can only happen when both people have their cab lights on.
2. When Youâre Friends Who Hook Up
Netflix
If you tuned in for season six of Love is Blind, youâll likely remember AD and Clayâs storyline. From the get-go, there was chemistry between these twoâand unlike other couples from the show, they were able to parlay a mental connection into a physical one. Yet, while this couple seemed to have all of the ingredients that would make for a successful relationship, Clay ultimately decided to say no at the altar. This is interesting because AD later described their bond as a âflirty friendshipâ on a podcast. To this day, theyâll hug and play around when they see each other, despite enduring a very public breakup. This, in turn, poses the idea that their relationship was more about being friends with benefits. While they enjoyed each other's company and felt good when they were around each other, there seemed to be a lack of incentive for long-term commitment. Weâve all heard the saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
3. When Thereâs Someone Else in the Picture
JOSH STRINGER/HULU
Disclaimer: If you havenât read Tell Me Lies or binged the adaptation on Hulu, this is a must-watch for anyone in situationship. The story outlines the tumultuous addiction that stems from wanting someone you canât have. While Lucy is taken by Stephenâs charm and charisma, sheâs completely blind to the fact that heâs still in contact with his ex-girlfriend. So, while we see Lucy struggle to understand why Stephen wonât commit, we watch in horror as he tries to win back the affection of his ex. True to the title, Stephen lies at every turn, or uses vague language when he can, to create the illusion that *one day* heâll commit to Lucy. And as she clings to the hope that heâll finally make her his girlfriend, his commitment lies with someone else.
What Makes a Situationship Unhealthy?
1. Theyâre Addictive
One of the most addictiveâand in turn, toxicâelements of a situationship is that it's predicated on the belief that things can change. The person who wants commitment will convince themselves that they can push their partner towards wanting something serious. This is what leads to an internal monologue thatâs hard to let go of: If I show them that Iâm an incredible partnerâthat I can give them what they want: sex without commitmentâIâll make them see that the benefits of being in a relationship with me outweigh the disadvantages. This, of course, incites an addiction that becomes about more than just commitment. Itâs about forcing someone to see how great you are and fixating on the validation youâll feel when they do.
2. One Person Benefits While the Other Compromises
Whatâs ironic about the narrative above is that itâs precisely why situationships tend to stay situationships (more on that below). While itâs appealing to think, If I give them what they want, Iâll get what I want, relationships arenât built on a transactional basis. Whatâs happening, in reality, is that one person gets exactly what they want from a situationshipâand the other person is compromising on their desire for commitment. While one person benefits from a casual sex dynamic, the other is stuck in a loop of wanting more and not knowing how to get it.
3. Thereâs No Room to Discuss Priorities
Fact: relationships start with a commitment agreement. This doesnât have to mean monogamyâit could mean establishing an open relationshipâso long as everyone feels secure in what they want, and is clear on what the other person wants. Situationships, in contrast, are sustained by a âdonât ask, donât tellâ policy. In order to keep this dynamic afloat, both partners avoid discussing what they wantâor what they might want in the future. Again, this works to the benefit of the person who does not want commitment, and to the detriment of the person who does. Perhaps the most unhealthy component of a situationship is the muzzling that occurs for anyone who feels deprived of commitment. Theyâre relegated to the demands of someone else while having to pretend like itâs what they want, too. All with the fear that asking for more will put an immediate end to the bond.
Can a Situationship Be Healthy?
The short answer is: YesâŚbut only if youâre aligned on expectations. In some cases, you have a scenario where both people are uninterested in commitment. âThis approach can be appealing for those who have demanding careers, busy lifestyles or who are not ready to settle down,â Tzall explains. This, in turn, means thereâs no power imbalanceâboth people are on the same page when it comes to what they want (and what theyâre getting) from the connection. âThis kind of situationship can offer individuals the freedom to explore and experiment with different types of relationships. They may be similar to âfriends with benefitsâ situations, where both parties are happy with the level of intimacy and lack of commitment.â Long story short? If you feel absolutely nothing when you hear your situationship is seeing other people, youâre in a healthy dynamic that works for both of you.
What to Do if You're in a Situationship
Iâve dedicated an entire article to this topic (read: Soonicorn), but the idea is that letting go of a situationship will set you free. By hyper-fixating on someone else, and making decisions that donât align with your gut, you effectively block yourself from becoming who youâre meant to be. Add to that the fact that the more time you spend ruminating, the less youâre able to see the object of your affection for who they really are (read: projectidating). You might find that when you take a step back, this isnât someone whoâs worth committing to anyway?
At the same time, however, itâs worth mentioning that relationships are about timingâand prioritizing yourself is the only way to turn a situationship into a relationship. Thereâs no rule that says a person whoâs averse to commitment (right now) will always be averse to commitment. And while I donât have a crystal ball that can predict if and when theyâll come around, I can tell you this: Agreeing to âkeep it casualâ when you want commitment is not the path to getting more. If anything, it shows them that you donât value yourself as a priority (so why should they?). The best thing you can do is free yourself from the cycle, and hopefully, offer a fresh start if you want to revisit things down the line.
So, What's the Deal on Situationships?
In theory, situationships are great for two people who are looking to keep things casual. Yet, in practice, situationships tend to be toxic and hard to break out of. While the arrangement might start on a level playing field, one person usually develops feelings of wanting more. And when that happens, thereâs only one thing to do: Break out of the cycle, get back in the dating scene and recognize that commitment wonât be a battle you have to fight when you find the right person.
Are You Dating a Soonicorn? And If So, Should You Dump Them?
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