The sleep-divorce trend: Is sleeping apart better for married couples?
More couples are taking an unorthodox route to sleeping arrangements and slipping into separate marital beds. The two-bed or two-bedroom trend, known to some as a "sleep divorce," is more prominent than one might expect, particularly among younger people who eschew the stigma of sleeping apart. The reasons for choosing to sleep separately range from avoiding sleep disturbances like snoring or endless phone scrolling to simply valuing having their own space.
Sleeping in separate beds in the "I Love Lucy" style is not necessarily a new trend, but the modern sleep divorce movement is gaining traction. Actress Cameron Diaz even made headlines last December when she said we should "normalize separate bedrooms" when discussing her marriage to Good Charlotte rocker Benji Madden. With celebrity endorsements and couples claiming the practice helped their marriage, the stigma of sleeping apart could be shifting.
Younger couples embrace sleep divorce trend
Many couples today are opting for a sleep divorce or using "snore rooms" instead of sleeping in the same bed, a trend that appears to be more prominent among younger couples. A March 2023 survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that 35% of Americans sleep in separate rooms occasionally or consistently. Millennial couples were most likely to sleep apart, at 43%, compared with just 22% of baby boomers sleeping separately.
"It's incredibly common that older generations see this as something must be wrong," John Hughes, a psychotherapist and couples counselor in Chicago, said to The Washington Post. However, he said people aged 35 to 45 are often "more open and willing to negotiate all aspects of a relationship" and seem less concerned than their parents about the idea of sleeping apart.
The trend of sleeping apart is "nothing new," The Wall Street Journal said. Couples have been sleeping apart for centuries, and it was only after the sexual revolution of the 1960s that people viewed sleeping apart as an implication of loveless or sexless marriage, creating a stigma around separate bedrooms, sleep expert Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral and social scientist at Rand and the author of "Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep," said to the Wall Street Journal.
A better connection or a 'mild pink flag?'
For many couples who choose this route, the choice is less about interpersonal issues and more about getting a good night's sleep. Elizabeth Pearson, an author and executive coach, found that she and her husband of 16 years slept best when they slept in hotels while traveling for work. "Where we slept poorly was when we were at home in the bed together," she said to the Wall Street Journal. For half of their marriage, the pair have slept in separate bedrooms. They found that being well-rested made them "more patient, more engaged and more present with their partners," Pearson said. And despite routinely sleeping apart, their sex life is great because they are "not pissed off at each other throughout the day for something that is uncontrollable like sleep and snoring," she said.
Choosing to sleep apart is not the "death knell of a relationship," Troxel said. "It is more about how couples arrive at that decision that can impact a relationship." Sleeping apart can become harmful if there is not clear communication about why they choose to sleep separately or when one partner leaves the bedroom angrily in response to a confrontation. If you are considering switching your sleeping arrangements, honest conversations can help mitigate potential misunderstandings.
Not everyone views the trend as harmless, and some sex therapists and marriage counselors are weary of couples opting for a sleep divorce. Some question the motive behind making that choice. Is it a means to escape a partner disrupting your sleep or an excuse to avoid confrontation? "What are you pretending not to know?" Katherine Hertlein, a professor in the couple and family therapy program at the University of Nevada Las Vegas, said to The New York Times. Choosing separate beds is a "little bit of a mild pink flag," Dr. Cheryl Fraser, a clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and the author of "Buddha's Bedroom," said to the Times."It's not a big leap from healthy solitude to a little bit of distance."