What to do if someone you’re dating loses interest in you

Dating coach and author Benjamin Daly offers advice about this difficult relationship situation.

Video Transcript

BENJAMIN DALY: If someone you were dating lost interest in you, then you need to watch this video. My name's Benjamin Daly. I'm a dating coach and author. And I'm going to explain why someone loses interest and what you can do about it.

Now, I'm guessing you're seeing someone. Things seem to be going well. But for whatever reason they dropped off. Maybe they ghosted or just stopped putting in the effort and allowed things to fizzle out. Now you're left feeling confused, disappointed, and hurt, wondering what went wrong.

Now, it's important to understand that there are two reasons why someone loses interest. And this can be quite hard to hear. Number one, they're not that into you. They realize that you're not the one they want to be with. Or number two, they're not interested in the relationship. They've decided that they don't want to take it any further than it is right now.

And you can try to communicate with them in an attempt to understand what's going on. But the reality is you're probably not going to get a straight answer. When someone loses interest, they often feel guilty for letting you down, but they don't want you to feel rejected. So rather than being completely honest, they may just give you an excuse. They might tell you they're busy or they're not in the right headspace or they're confused about what they want.

If they're giving you excuses, they've decided that they don't want to take it any further. And they're now trying to find their way out. It's really important to understand that dating is a process of exploration. And it takes time to figure out whether it's a good match or not.

They might realize at some point in the early stage it's actually not right for them, and that's OK. We need to respect their decision. So do not expect every good interaction to turn into a relationship. This is really important because expecting every interaction to turn into something is unrealistic and will only lead to disappointment.

Dating is a numbers game, after all, and will require you to sift through the pack until you find the right one. Also keep in mind that their lack of interest doesn't define your value. It's no reflection of your value as an individual, but rather a mismatch in compatibility. We all have different tastes. And just because you aren't right for them, it doesn't mean that you aren't going to be right for someone else.

OK. So what do you do if they lose interest? Well, whatever you do, do not try to change their mind. Continuing to pursue someone who's clearly lost interest will only lead to more disappointment and upset. So you don't need to send them any long paragraphs or try to make them regret their decision. Simply let them go and move on. Your job is not to convince someone, but to find someone who doesn't need convincing. Always remember that.

And here's a quick tip before you start dating again. I want you to set zero expectations on anyone and any interactions while dating. When you start dating with zero expectations, you won't be disappointed if interactions drop off. And you'll be pleasantly surprised when things work out.

So in summary, people will make excuses if they're not interested. So look at their actions, not their words. Expect some interactions to lead to nothing because it's normal for people to lose interest. And finally, never pursue someone who's distanced themselves because they are not your person. Instead go and attract someone who's into you just as much as you're into them.