When My Son Inherited My Mental Health Disorder, My Worst Parenting Fear Came True
I’m not sure what started my anxiety, but I know that it’s been there for as long as I can remember. In grade school, I’d get a knot in my stomach every morning at the breakfast table. It happened like clockwork. My mom thought I wasn’t much of a breakfast eater, but in reality, I was filled with anxiety for the day ahead. Would the teacher make me read my report in front of the class today? Everyone was sure to laugh. Was the P.E. coach going to make us run a timed mile? I was always last to finish. Would Tanya choose me for the volleyball game? She doesn’t like me. I know it. All the worries would make me so sad, I didn’t know how to articulate them to my parents.
And so, I moved from being an anxious child to an anxious young adult. It wasn’t until after college that I finally got the help I needed, and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depression — a two-for-the-price-of-one combo that, when given, actually made me feel better. I finally had answers.
Now, I'm a happily married mother of two incredible boys, one of whom I suspect has the same anxiety “gene” as me. It was easy to spot the clues. He became quiet and withdrawn, and he was not his usual happy-go-lucky self. And it all came on pretty quickly at the start of fourth grade.
One day, he finally confided in me and said, “Mom, I keep worrying about the same thing over and over even though I know I don’t need to. I just can’t make my brain stop talking.” Some of his concerns: Would I be late to pick him up from basketball practice? Was he studying hard enough for his science test? Unfortunately, the list went on and on.
I knew all too well what a life with anxiety looked like, and the guilt I felt about potentially passing down this horrible trait made me sick. I was fearful of how he would tackle life’s big and small problems with the constant weight of anxiety heavy on his shoulders. And while it might seem dramatic given that he’s only in grade school, I knew from experience just how hard it could be. Worries are relative. A child’s worries are just as big as an adult’s, because they all make us feel the same way — anxious, emotional, and out of control — none of which I would ever wish upon anyone, especially my own child.
This was my biggest fear: That my child would inherit my propensity towards anxiety. Depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders abound in our family. I wondered, if they had it, and I had it, would my son have it, too?
According to Meghan Marcum, PsyD., Chief Clinical Officer at A Better Life Recovery, it’s a little more complicated than just genes. “Both anxiety and depression usually present as a combination of both environmental and genetic factors," she says. "There is an increased risk for developing depression — about two to four times higher — for those who have a first-degree relative who has major depressive disorder." She notes the same can be said for anxiety disorders.
“Stress from the environment can essentially trigger anxiety," she adds. "How we respond to stress is typically due to what we’ve learned and when we have healthy ways of coping we tend to respond better. Childhood experiences like abuse, neglect, being bullied, and witnessing trauma can also play a role in the development of depression and anxiety."
No matter how it happened, my son was dealing with the internal struggle of anxiety. But I had an unexpected ally on my side — experience. I knew what we were dealing with and vowed to tackle it head-on. We consulted a psychiatrist for coping mechanisms and bought a few self-help books that we read together every night, including What To Do When You Worry Too Much and Help Your Dragon Deal With Anxiety.
For parents who suspect that their child may be suffering from anxiety or depression, there are signs to watch out for, according to Gayani DeSilva, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist and author of A Psychiatrist's Guide. “For young children it may be seen as being more tearful, crying, low frustration tolerance, poor appetite, restless sleeping habits, emotional outbursts, anger, or withdrawing from family and peers,” she says.
Now my son has a name for what he's feeling, which is an important part of his journey. When anxiety starts to cloud his vision, he knows he can come to me and we can work it out. I’m so glad he can trust me with all of his concerns, which I hope is always the case as he moves into adolescence. I can tell when he’s struggling, too, because he acts a bit more introverted and thoughtful. When I see it happening, we go back to our books and the tools our doctor gave us — setting aside a specific worry time during the day, or physically drawing out our worries and crumpling up the paper — and go from there.
Even though things are improving for my son now, we’re still working on it. I know the signs and have open communication with my son. I’m thankful he feels comfortable enough to share his worries with me, and that I can help. No one wants to see their child hurting. As for what the future will bring, it’s anyone's guess. But both of us will be ready to tackle whatever comes our way.
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