How to Spice up Your Marriage in 2024, According to a Relationship Expert
Husband and wife spicing up their marriage
When you've found your person, the idea of spending forever together can spark butterflies in your stomach. However, at some point in your marriage, you may realize how long forever really is. Perhaps that's why Kirkland Stretch-Lite Plastic Wrap has outlasted some marriages.
Like leftovers (wrapped in Kirkland plastic wrap or not), a marriage can feel stale after a while. That spark? Seemingly snuffed out. Stale bread cannot become fresh again, but what about a marriage? One expert suggests a mindset shift if you find yourself asking that question.
"Rather than thinking, 'How do we keep things fresh?' which sounds like you’re trying to bring back the qualities of young love, try reflecting on how you can evolve or mature your love," says Shan Boodram, the sex and relationships expert at Bumble. "The truth is, you can’t go back to the way things were when you first met, and why would you want to? You’ve come so far, experienced so much and grown exponentially."
That doesn't mean there's no room to grow more. In fact, Boodram advises couples to focus on growing deeper. To do that, she recommends bonding through experiences you both know you love and new ones.
"I’m not against having a status quo, but it’s healthy to challenge your sense of normal, especially if that norm isn’t serving you as well as it used to," Boodram says.
To help, Boodram served up tips to create a different, deeper version of normal that helps you strengthen and spice up your marriage.
Related: 150+ Creative Date Night Ideas to Spice up Your Love Life
Why Do Marriages Get Stale?
Give yourself some grace if you feel like your marriage is in a rut. It's natural to go through this phase—as in, biologically natural.
"During the early days of love, the brain is pumping us full of chemicals," Boodram says.
These hormones include:
Testosterone, a hormone that fuels sex drive in people of both sexes
Dopamine, which Boodram explains is a "feel-good high that prompts risk-reward behavior,"
Oxycotin, which research has shown promotes bonding
"However, after passionate love turns into companionate love—for example, after years of being married—these chemicals shut off kind of like a sprinkler system," Boodram explains. "As we stumble out of our chemically-induced love high, the brain gives way to a calmer, more rational state known as companionate love."
Companionate love isn't bad. Boodram says it promotes feelings of safety, security, familiarity, trust and a newfound appreciation for each other. Yet, the sprinkler shut-off of chemicals comes with a caveat.
"The thrill of a new connection and the neurochemicals that go with that stage don’t usually linger beyond the seven-year point, and that is why things can begin to feel stale," Boodram says.
9 Ways to Spice up Your Marriage
1. Schedule time together
Your work planner likely has meetings with colleagues, clients and contractors. It may even have a standing happy hour. This may not sound romantic, but marriages need to be nurtured like a business does. However, quality time together (without screens) can be the first thing to go when the rest of your schedule is jam-packed.
"When life gets busy, it can be easy for us to take time together for granted, but living in a shared space isn’t the same as spending time together," Boodram explains.
Take a page from your work planner and slot in regular time together.
"This can take the form of date nights, time to be intimate, or even time to relax together," Boodram says.
2. Perform small acts of kindness
When in a marriage rut, it can be tempting to think that climbing out of it involves grandiose gestures like private, fancy rooftop dinners, complete with John Legend serenading your SO with your first-dance song. That's not the case, Boodram explains.
"Kindness is sexy," Boodram says.
Bumble recently surveyed more than 1,000 U.S. adults, and 83% said kindness is more important than physical attributes in a potential partner. Boodram says this desire for kindness extends way beyond the swipe-and-tap stage.
"Doing a chore for your partner or picking up their favorite latte before work can still bring a little spark no matter how long you’ve been together," Boodram explains.
3. Don’t let crazy in love turn into lazy in love
The comfort of marriage is a major perk. However, real talk: There's a difference between "comfort" and "laziness."
"Maybe you can’t mimic your early year responses, but you can mimic the behaviors like date nights, [upkeeping of your] appearance, curiosity and respect," Boodram suggests. "It’s like brushing your teeth—it isn’t good enough to have done it yesterday or last month. We need regular effort to keep up our relationship hygiene."
Related: 50 Relationship Goals That'll Help You Grow Closer As a Couple
4. Go on double dates
"Just us" time is important, but Boodram says teaming up with a fellow couple can bring couples closer. She points to research for a book, Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships. Authors and University of Maryland School of Social Work researchers Geoffrey Greif, DSW, MSW, and Kathleen Holtz Deal, PhD, MSW, conducted more than 400 interviews with couples. The researchers found that maintaining friendships with other pairs could assist with solidifying a sense of self in couples and even up partners' attraction to each other.
5. Try something new
The old cliché goes that variety is the spice of life. If you want to "spice up your marriage," Boodram says mixing in new experiences is essential.
"Going out of your comfort zone together is a key way to bring newness to an old partnership," Boodram explains.
"New" is unique to you. Stuck? Boodram suggests trying a new restaurant, hobby or move in the bedroom.
6. Use the word "we"
You're a team, and getting out of this rut will take two. Ditch the blame game and "you" statements that come with it (for example: "It's all your fault").
"[We] is simple, powerful, inclusive and community-fostering," Boodram says.
For example, "We seem to be struggling to find time for one another, and I'd love to work together on ways we can fix that."
7. Up-level your conversations
Now that "we" is easily rolling off the tongue, try breathing some life into your conversations beyond "How was your day?"
"It can be easy for our daily conversations to trend toward the mundane when you’re living each day in such close proximity to someone," Boodram says.
If you don't know where to start, Boodram says Bumble has a list of suggestions like, "What is your favorite quirk that I have?"
"You’d be surprised how your answers can change in different phases of life and how you can learn new things about your partner down the line," Boodram explains.
Related: Time To Reconnect! 25 Relationship Check-In Questions for You and Your Partner
8. Commit yourself to seeing your partner with fresh eyes
Boodram got personal for this one.
"In my marriage, I often think to myself, 'What would you be thinking if you just saw your husband for the first time right now?'" Boodram shares. "Whether he just got out of the shower and I’m looking at his quads, or he’s walking towards me in a parking lot, I try to see him with fresh eyes."
Boodram says she feels some of those nostalgic butterflies and a heaping helping of gratitude that she and her long-term beau are so much more than strangers.
9. Focus on the positive elements of your relationship
It's natural to default to negative thoughts about any aspect of your life, from the real reason your boss emailed you about a new idea to how your marriage is going.
"Just as you have to remind yourself not to be so down on yourself, you must also make a similar mantra when thinking of your lover," Boodram says. "This isn’t just good for your relationship. It is healthy for you."
A small 2011 study found that people who regularly expressed gratitude and appreciation for their partner were less depressed, more connected to their communities and more satisfied with their lives overall."
Related: 15 Signs You're Married to an Emotionally Unavailable Husband, According to Experts
What To Do if These Tips Don't Help
You tried these tips and still feel like you're in a rut. You're not a failure—and the two of you don't have to sort this out alone.
"It might be time for a larger conversation or to bring in some outside help using a therapeutic medium," Boodram says. "This may include a couple’s counselor, or it might include going on wellness retreats, reading books, engaging in somatic healing or going to therapy separately."
Once again, a mindset shift may reframe your perspective.
"I think you should see it as a real win if the spark is gone, the quick-fix tips are not working, and you’re both willing to keep trying to find something that will help," Boodram says. "With commitment like that, you truly can’t lose. All you can do is learn and get closer to the best outcome for you both."
Next: 13 Ways to Grow Stronger as a Couple—According to Relationship Expert Dr. John Gottman's Advice
