How to Spot the 5 Tell-tale Signs of a Toxic Friendship
Everyone is allowed to have a bad day, but if you have a friend who's always in a bad mood (or putting you in one!), then beware: They could be toxic. That's why knowing how to spot the signs of a toxic friendship and how to deal with toxic friends if any are in your life can help you avoid drama and keep your self-esteem intact.
Toxic friends typically have no remorse for their negative behaviors. They may forget dates that are important to you or continually flake on plans with you. You may even feel emotionally drained after hanging out with these types of toxic friends for long periods of time.
Wondering how to spot the signs of a toxic friendship? Here are some of the tell-tale signs of a toxic friend—including details about the different types of toxic friends you might encounter—plus tips for how to deal with toxic friends so their bad juju doesn't bring you down.
Related: 15 Genius Phrases to Respond to a Toxic Friend's Text
5 Signs of a Toxic Friend
1. They Make You Feel Emotionally Unsafe
“If it feels like you are walking on eggshells and afraid of this person’s fluctuations between kindness and blame, beware!” says Kelly Rudolph, founder of Positive Women Rock and an expert in dealing with toxic friendships. “For example, if it feels like this person is using what you confided in them as ammunition to hurt you with ridicule or criticism—but then they deny it, saying you’re being overly sensitive and making you question if you are the bad friend—they could be toxic." Keep in mind that "this manipulation is bully behavior stemming from insecurity and feeling powerless,” Rudolph explains. “Causing you to feel bad or guilty or confused makes a toxic friend feel in control again,” which is one way to identify them.
2. It’s All About Them
A toxic friend will never truly listen to you. They will only half-listen to your problems while waiting for their chance to talk or turn the conversation around to them. "A toxic friend is often rude and mean to people and everything is always about them with no feel-good or support for you," Rudolph explains. An easy way to test for this trait is by bringing up random topics that you and your friend have no particular tie to. If your friend has the ability to manipulate the conversation back to them, it may be a sign of toxicity.
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3. They Constantly Put You Down
“A friendship is toxic if it’s often unsupportive, unrewarding, unsatisfying, draining, stifling, and/or unequal (unbalanced in terms of give and take). If a friend consistently lets you down, puts you down, or drains you with self-absorption, the relationship is in trouble,” explains Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends True Friends: How Your Friendships Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career. Ultimately, the reason you don’t feel happy or relaxed around them is because they don’t make you feel good about yourself.
4. They Compete With You
Whether that be a new relationship or job promotion, a toxic person in your life will try to compete with you. They won't like the idea of you having anything that doesn't involve them, and they especially don't want you to excel at something that you’re good at. They may even take it one step further and may start to mimic you by buying the same clothes or copying the way you talk.
5. They're All About Drama
One thing you can guarantee from a toxic person is the amount of drama that seems to follow them. They’re always fighting you or other people or have grandiose unexpected things happen to them ALL. THE. TIME. (Or at least that's the picture they paint!)
Related: Open up That Group Text! 100 Interesting Questions To Ask Your Friends When You’re Bored
5 Types of Toxic Friends
1. The User
This kind of person is often referred to as a “fair-weather” friend. The User seems to be there for and often invites you places… Until something better comes around and they leave you in the dust. This toxic friend is very much obsessed with improving their social status or finding a romantic partner. They may be fun to hang out with on the weekends but once you have served your purpose, they’ll be gone.
2. The Leech
This kind of toxic friend doesn’t understand boundaries and will expect you to drop everything when they call, needing you. While it’s important to be supportive, it’s also needed to look after your own mental health and set clear expectations and boundaries. If you do not, this “friend” will drain you of emotions and energy.
Related: It Takes Time and Effort—Here’s How To Rebuild Trust in a Relationship in 8 Steps
3. The Negative Nellie
This person is never satisfied with anything that they have. As a result, they spent a lot of time whining about how the world has treated them so unfairly. They project that negative energy on you from criticizing you to never giving you a compliment.
4. The Rebel
Although hanging out with this friend may seem fun and exciting at first, it can quickly turn dangerous. What’s more, the instability and unpredictability of this friend can be draining after a while and the constant peer pressure may be exhausting to deal with. In the end, this person’s lack of responsibility will start to bring you down, therefore, putting you at risk of damaging your own life in the process.
5. The Mean One
This toxic friend is easy to spot. They’ll make little digs at jabs at your expense (often in front of others) and pass it off as “jokes.” While it’s easy to see that they’re trying to make themselves better to put you down, remember that no true friendship involves putting each other down.
Related: What Is Gaslighting? 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
How To Deal With Toxic Friends
1. Ask Yourself: Is This Friend in Trouble... or Just Mean?
"If your gut feeling tells you this friend is in dangerous emotional pain and crying out for help, you might have a calm talk and ask if they’re okay since things have changed," Rudolph suggests. "You might even be able to point them toward a coach or therapist," she says, should they be open to it.
2. Know the Score
If you’re considering whether staying in the friendship is worth it, make a pro/con list to see whether the good outweighs the bad. "Ask yourself: 'Is this friendship worth saving?' Do the positives far outweigh the negatives?" says Isaacs. If it’s negatively unbalanced, consider how much you want this person in your life.
3. Handle Things When They Happen
When your friend sends you a mean text, it can be hard to call them out on their toxic behavior. However, if you respond politely and respectfully, it can be a great effective way to establish necessary boundaries and maybe even improve your friendship.
4. Communicate Constructively
If establishing boundaries and distancing yourself doesn’t seem to be working or you think there’s a bigger issue at play, try having an honest conversation with your friend. "Stick to 'I' statements, as in 'I felt hurt when…' instead of 'you,' as in, 'You’re never there for me,' which sounds like an attack," suggests Isaacs. While it can be downright terrifying, having a direct discussion can let you air things out with your friend and express your thoughts.
5. Get out gently or immediately
If you’re sure this friend is toxic and want out of the friendship, either be up-front with this person that you are moving on from the friendship," Rudolph suggests. "Or, you can taper off (or go cold turkey) of answering their texts and calls (be busy with other things) and they will move on to their next victim." While it may be difficult, the payoff is worth it. "Remember that deleting one negative friend opens up space for three positive ones!" Rudolph says.
Next, here are some tips on how to end a friendship.
Sources:
Kelly Rudolph, founder of Positive Women Rock and an expert in dealing with toxic friendships
Florence Isaacs, author of Toxic Friends True Friends: How Your Friendships Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career
