Steph and Dom’s One Star to Five Star episode one review: Shamelessly formulaic fare

Steph and Dom’s One Star to Five Star (Channel 4) had a title crying out for a one-star or five-star review. Sorry to disappoint but it’s going to get neither. This new teatime series found Steph and Dom Parker, the tippling toffs from Gogglebox, helping fellow B & B owners upgrade their establishments from the lowest rating to luxury status.

Across five days, they’ll move in, muck in and try to improve every aspect of service: food, drink, decor, comfort and hospitality. Say goodbye to lumpy mattresses and greasy fry-ups.

The Parkers’ first destination was the 16-room Ransdale Hotel in Bridlington, all tatty valances and faded Seventies wallpaper. The Parkers challenged the owners to expand their breakfast menu (never can the word “kedgeree” have been greeted with such suspicion), create a seaside-themed bedroom and throw a beach party. Soon they were accidentally melting plastic bowls on the hob and making hungover guests feel queasy with the stench of smoked haddock. 

This was shamelessly formulaic fare in the vein of Four in a Bed, Alex Polizzi’s Hotel Inspector, Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and countless other makeover-mission shows. It was also burdened with an over-fiddly scoring system. Marks out of five were dished out four times per episode, before an overall rating gets calculated at the end of the week. Still, at least any watching schoolchildren could practise working out averages.

The clapped-out format was just about kept afloat, though, by the sheer force of the Parkers’ personalities. While “southern softie” Steph spat out a cockle and declared it “revolting, utter filth”, Dom fretted about splashing paint on his brogues. They boozed, bickered and brayed with laughter. After 20 years of marriage, the couple clearly still adore each other. Maybe they should get a room. Oh, they already have.

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