6 signs you are an introvert

I was born an introvert and have struggled with this label for many years. Like many of you, it has led to ongoing fights with partners. They didn’t get why I wouldn’t just go to a party with them, hang out in busy places, or stay longer at events.

Understanding the introvert-extrovert divide will help you be more empathetic, improve your connections with others, and boost overall well-being. Here are six surefire signs you're an introvert.

1. You can count your friend group on one hand

It is common for us to only have two to three close friends, or even just one. Conversely, my highly extroverted -ex had a loose network of more than a dozen friends she stayed in touch with. She was constantly having lunch with this friend or that one. I had trouble keeping track of all the storylines, divorces, new jobs, and drama.

Introverts don't typically have this much to keep track of. Some people still need reminding that there's nothing wrong with small social circles. As adults, we shouldn’t be measuring our worth by how many friends we have, as if this were the school lunch table.

2. You absolutely dread small talk

I was recently at a party and talking to a 50-something artist who was incredibly talented. I was blown away by his oil paintings. They could have been in a museum. As a creative person, I was so curious to get into the weeds with him on his process, his technique with the brush, how he drafts up paintings, and how he practices and corrects mistakes.

But he was so painfully pleasant. He loved talking about the weather, smiling and laughing at everything I said. I had to drag him to the altar to get him to talk about the interesting parts of his craft. He seemed to really enjoy talking about it once we got there, almost as if he hadn’t expected anything other than small talk.

Dread of small talk is a universal hatred amongst us introverts. I’d encourage you to push people to go deeper than that in conversations. They usually enjoy it once you get there. It will make that annoying cocktail party better for both of you.

3. You need time to recharge after socializing

I want you to imagine your most extroverted friend. How do they act when there are huge crowds around? Does their behavior change as more friends arrive?

Typically, extroverts feed off of this energy like they are concert performers. I had a friend who was effectively walking on the ceiling after enough people arrived, to the point that I didn’t even recognize him as a person.

Conversely, I often find myself checking the clock at parties, wondering how long I can wait until asking my partner if we can leave. She can even see the face I make before I talk, and she'll mouth the words, "Not yet." It can often feel like you're having to fake it constantly in these interactions, just to get through it all.

The telltale sign is that you’ll get home from this event and desperately need time to recharge. I will often feel like I need to lock myself in a room afterward — especially if I was dealing with close talkers or annoying people.

4. Your hobbies and career often involve quiet and solitude

For example, part of the reason I became a writer was because I didn’t enjoy corporate life, and having people in my cubicle constantly. The perpetual meetings were draining. I found my love of writing on the side, enjoying the quiet of my fan and being lost in my thoughts.

The vast majority of writers I know are also introverts. Conversely, people who score high in extraversion tend to find themselves in people-facing jobs like teaching, sales, performing, event planning and marketing. Introverts are often accountants, engineers, librarians, photographers, and scientists.

5. Your report cards gave hints

Maybe they said, “Needs to participate more.” Or that you were quiet and reserved in school.

Teachers may have even told your parents about your being withdrawn, even if you were otherwise friendly with the other students. It often led to mistaken concern that something was wrong with you. It was a foreshadow of problems to come, and society's misunderstanding of introverts. People telling you that you're quiet or intense, all began with those report cards.

Typically, the hints of introversion tend to emerge early. It doesn’t typically descend upon you randomly at age 40.

6. People mistakenly think you dislike them

Introverts just don’t like being overstimulated. We often come up with reasons not to get together for lunch at a busy restaurant, or to attend large gatherings. This is easily mistaken as you having a problem with someone.

Or — someone will assume you are shy, which is an entirely different attribute.

Per Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, “Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating.”

Someone can be hyper-extroverted and also quite shy, which might seem contradictory. Conversely, many introverts are quite personable and can hold a reasonable, normal conversation at a party. You’d likely be surprised to learn they are even introverts.

Is there more than one type of introvert?

There are typically four subtypes, which can occur when you have some, but not all of the traits of an introvert.

• Social introverts : Those who prefer small groups of people over large gatherings.

• Thinking introverts : Those who spend their time thinking, and working on creative pursuits. They tend to be very creative and innovative.

• Inhibited introverts : Those who overthink decisions and interactions and tend to dwell on problems too much.

• Anxious introverts : Those who get social anxiety when dealing with crowds and other groups of people. They get overstimulated easily.

The big idea here is to remember that introversion is a spectrum, not a singular label. Many introverts also have extroverted traits and habits, and vice-versa.

A final reminder and tips for introverts

There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to be fixed.

It might not feel this way as introverts are often maligned by extroverts. Per Atlantic author, Jonathan Rauch, “Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood.”

If you are an extrovert reading this, who is frustrated with your introverted partner, remember this is all just a difference in brain chemistry. We can’t change this easily. Introversion is a highly heritable trait, which comes down from one or both parents.

Extroverts have greater brain reward centers, meaning they get a bigger rush of dopamine from social interactions. They get a greater sense of validation from these interactions than others. Introverts can still get that same dopamine release while socializing, it’s usually the overstimulation that does us in.

As a final tip for fellow introverts, what has worked incredibly well for me is to own who I am upfront with people. When I met my spouse, I told her from the get-go that I was introverted, that it was who I was, and that I wouldn’t always be game to go to every cocktail party. I told her that I do like doing things with other people, but I have limits. Fortunately, she was accepting and we’ve worked through it without major issues.

Frontload who you are. Then retain a compromising spirit and try to step outside of your comfort zone and do things with your partner that you wouldn’t ordinarily do. But remember — you won’t get much credit if you go to the party and sit in the corner the whole time.

Above all, remember that there’s no shame in being an introvert. Many of the greatest men and women have come from this side of the fence.