Healing Social Anxiety

No matter who you are, there’s no doubt you experience social anxiety from time to time. When you enter a space with other people, your muscles gently become tense, your breathing turns shallow, and your eyes dart more rapidly than they were before.

You aren’t alone in feeling anxiety like this. It’s normal, and in fact, it’s natural. One of the reasons you experience this physical shift is because you’re an animal. The response is a hangover from our primitive evolutionary psychology. Entering a space with others makes you vulnerable to a whole list of unknowns, so our ancient animal brain activates until we have spent enough time in the new environment to deem it safe.

What’s interesting (and unpleasant) is that in the meantime, our modern brain takes over and flips the animal anxiety inward on ourselves. So, while we are waiting for our bodies to calm down and get comfortable, our minds are treated to negative thoughts about ourselves like:

• Am I annoying the person I’m talking to?

• Are people judging how I look?

• Does anyone actually want me here?

• Are people judging what I’m saying?

• Do I sound boring, or am I captivating?

Of course, having these thoughts run through your head while trying to have a good conversation is limiting, distracting, and a real confidence killer. The good news is there is a way to let them go.

Mental formation is a term in Buddhism that describes thoughts that arise in our minds in response to what we are experiencing. When you think about your thoughts this way, it takes the teeth out of them.

Picturing your thoughts as simple clouds moving across the sky of your mind rather than cold, hard facts is endlessly liberating. Doing so allows you to see your thoughts for what they are: temporary blips of noise.

So, when you’re in a social situation and are feeling anxious, remember that every self-limiting thought that arises in your mind and causes you tension is nothing more than a mental formation. Simply notice the thought, then let it go by choosing to ignore it and refocus on the activity in the present moment (i.e., your conversation, physical sensation, etc.).

If you have pesky negative thoughts: when you notice the mental formation arise, take a quick second to examine it in contrast with objective reality. Essentially, what you’re doing here is exposing the thought as nonsense by clearly demonstrating that it isn’t based on facts–it’s just an assumption of the mind that’s a product of temporary anxiety.

Here’s how this would play out:

If you’re talking to someone and have the thought, “Is this person bored with me?” question the thought against what you can clearly observe.

Ask yourself:

• Do they keep trying to leave to go talk to someone else?

• Are they looking at their phone and half listening to me?

• Is their body language disengaged and disinterested looking?

By observing what’s actually happening instead of assuming what’s happening based on your thoughts, you can get a clear view of reality, release anxiety-based mental formations, and reconnect with the present.

What’s beautiful is that the more you practice unwinding your social anxiety, the less intrusive it will be. That’s because your mind will relabel new spaces as less threatening, and start serving you fewer negative mental formations and more positive ones. This is huge as it allows you to move into any social situation with a clearer view of reality, feeling relaxed and self-confident.

When you can show up in social spaces feeling open and grounded, you can be your true self rather than a guarded version of who you are. Bringing this open version of who you are to the table helps you deeply connect with each person you meet, which builds strong relationships and, most importantly, allows you to enjoy your experience of precious time on this beautiful planet.