How to identify your core values when you’re off track

After my divorce, life was like a bad Netflix series: Every episode had a different plot twist, cast of characters, and a disconnected storyline. You knew the main character would be okay (it’s not HBO!), but you weren’t sure what was happening in the show.

The anchorless boat: Why core values matter

That’s why core values are so important. They anchor you to what’s important and show you how to navigate the world.

In this article, I discuss core values in general (and share mine!) I’ve also included a 10-minute exercise so you can align your actions, relationships and decisions for optimal growth. Here I unpack:

• The Stages of Change Model

• Analogy: Are you the boat or the dock?

• Why values matter

• 10-minute exercise: Define your core values

Let’s talk about growth for a minute.

?The hardest part of growth and self-discovery is learning which people, places and opportunities create an environment conducive to positive change versus those who benefit from you staying exactly as you are.

“The Stages of Change Model” by Boston University reminds us why it’s important to assess your environment. You cannot fully embody a new version of yourself when your brain is triggered to regress into old habits and ways of behaving.

The hardest part of growth and self discovery is learning which people, places and opportunities create an environment conducive for positive change vs. those who benefit from you staying exactly as you are.

If you notice yourself revisiting past behaviors, habits or thought processes when around an old friend, role or environment, you might have outgrown that younger version of yourself. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable but this is a sign of growth.

But how do you know which environment is right for you? Keep reading.

Core values: Are you a boat or a dock?

Picture a boat floating in the water with no anchor. It drifts around… and around…until an anchored boat invites it over. So the anchorless boat ties up and joins the party and people.

Then the party ends.

So they untie the boat and it drifts away.

The anchorless boat sees another group of boats. It drifts over and gets tied to one of them…joining those people until they decide they are done and untie it.

And the anchorless boat drifts away again…waiting to see who it can anchor itself to.

This is what it feels like to navigate life without a defined set of core values. Your boat bounces between groups of people with a range of values, not anchoring at a port you trust.

How do core values help you?

Core values act as a filter for:

• Relationships

• Opportunities

• Personal brand

• Content creation

• Decision making

Without core values, every passing thing can pull you in, creating a false sense of safety and stability for a short time.

Growth requires you to be a dock, not a boat. A dock is a person with a defined set of values that pulls in people and opportunities. It’s stable. Others come to it. Let’s make sure you’re a dock, not a boat…

Why core values matter for becoming a “dock”

Values and actions are tightly linked—what we value and believe influences how we act.

In one series of studies, researchers showed how subtly shifting our values shifts our behavior. For example, one study showed that when people were primed with security values, their curiosity decreased. On the flip side, another study showed that priming people with self-direction values increased curiosity.

Many people are anchorless boats. Their actions aren’t filtered through a set of core values which ultimately won’t get them the desired outcome they want. Seeking more alignment in your life? Keep going.

Steps to becoming a person with core values

It doesn’t take years of self-reflection or therapy to define your core values.

This simple 10-minute exercise will help you create your values so you can start aligning your actions with the right people, decisions and opportunities.

Step 1: Reflect

Reflect on your life and answer the following 4 questions:

• When was I happiest in my life and what was I doing at that time?

• When was I the least happy in my life and what was I doing at that time?

• If money was no object, what would a perfect day look like?

• How do I spend my free time?

Step 2: Create a list of 10–15 words

Based on those reflections, choose 10–15 words from the below list.

A few notes: This list is not exhaustive — you may think of another word. Personal values may vary from person to person. Your values have evolved and will continue to evolve. Stay focused on now.

Here are my top 10–15:

1. Relationships

2. Intention

3. Health

4. Family

5. Success

6. Fun

7. Adventure

8. Ambition

9. Control

10. Community

11. Growth

12. Play

13. Wisdom

Step 3: Refine your list

Bucket your words into columns based on similarities (see below).

Then, highlight one word per column and refine each column to 4–5 values that are clearly distinct and represent different parts of yourself.

Step 4: Pair value words with a verb

Now it’s time to make impactful statements for each word.

Here are mine:

• Create and maintain meaningful relationships.

• Seek opportunities for growth.

• Live in control of my time.

• Always make time for play; never take life too seriously.

• Protect my mental and physical health.

Step 5: Make them visible to you daily

• Make them your phone backdrop

• Add them to your computer wallpaper

• Write them in the front of a notebook

• Put a post it on your desk

CONGRATS! You just created your core values and can start aligning your actions with the right people, decisions and opportunities.

Bonus: This is also great exercise to do with a partner or team. We did this at my last startup to help create the company’s culture and value system. Those values ended up at the front of every slide deck to ensure our daily actions stayed in alignment with our value system.