How Your Personality Is Revealed By Your Choice of Words

25 years ago, my 8th grade soccer coach walked up and said, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

We went back to his office and he went on to explain that he didn’t have a spot for me on the team. I was new to soccer and this was a competitive school — so it shouldn’t have been surprising. But I was crushed. I was the new kid and soccer was all the craze and a way of making friends.

At the time and in my own immaturity, I thought he’d been cruel and unfair. But decades later, I still think to myself, “Man. Coach Maloney was one good dude.”

Why? Because he was so kind in the moment. He was empathetic and explained his reasoning in a fair way. The team was already too bloated and it created problems when you have too many players. I remember he grimaced as he said, “This is the hardest part of my job and I hate doing it.” He encouraged me to come back next year (I did and, fortunately, made the team).

It wasn’t until I went out into the world, dealt with a few jerks, bad breakups, and a bad boss or two that I saw what a jerk is actually like.

People often take language for granted and treat it as a back and forth at face value. Yet you can learn a ton about people by the words they choose. It can reveal their motivations, goals, character, mood, and more. The big idea is that — there are endless ways to say the same thing. How someone chooses to say it, says much about them.

Insights from linguistics analytics

A University of Colorado researcher, Dr. Tal Yarkoni, isolated the most common words used by bloggers according to their score on the Big 5 personality traits. Agreeable people often used the words “wonderful,” “together,” “visiting,” “morning” and “spring.” They also used affectionate emojis and various words for love. Extraverts used “bar,” “other,” “drinks,” “restaurant” and “dancing.”

People scoring high on neuroticism often used “awful,” “lazy,” “worse” and “depressing.” It reflected their common cynical outlook.

The direction of someone’s criticisms can also reveal much. I had a friend who spent half his time badmouthing people who weren’t in the room. He often took cheap, vulgar shots at them and it was completely unprovoked.

Studies find this correlates to low self-esteem and insecurity— which isn’t surprising but is helpful. The aforementioned guy struggled to make friends. He gave people a bad impression and came off as mean and judgmental. Thinking about someone’s word choice can help you lead with empathy and avoid becoming as cynical as the person in front of you.

What do they want?

Fiction writers and sales reps have one key thing in common: we care a ton about people’s motivations.

I’m the prior, and learned long ago from a mentor that few things are more important than conveying a character’s motive.

So how do you reveal it? One simple way is dialogue. What does this character ask about? The mere act of raising an issue reveals something about a person. Sales reps do the same thing from the other side — they listen. This helped me a great deal in the corporate environment, when I was interfacing with so many types of people each day. People don’t usually have complex motivations. They generally have one key, overarching concern they are thinking about and once you tap into that, and read between the lines, you can more easily help them.

Remember: People tend to ask about things they care about.

Spotting a liar

Social psychologist, James W. Pennebaker, analyzed speeches, interviews, and papers by thousands of people. Through text analysis and the benefit of hindsight, he was able to detect correlations between word choice and truthfulness.

For example, when people are telling the truth, they frequently use singular pronouns like “me” or “I”, and include excluders like “except”, “but” and “yet”. They draw lines around what they did and didn’t do and do so confidently. They are consistent, direct and specific.

Liars struggle to draw lines and describe nuance. They’ll speak in big proclamations and when drilled with specific questions, they’ll often flounder. They often include someone else as the subject in their explanations.

This is why when police interview suspects, they just go through simple lines of questioning. Because they know people are naturally talented at contradicting themselves — especially when lying.

Are they selfish or unselfish?

There’s a woman I spent a ton of time around. I met her 10 years ago because she dated a friend. I’ve been on vacation with her (as a group). There’s been ample time spent between us and something has always felt off. She’s a bit cold which isn’t a deal breaker as she isn’t outright mean.

I tried to ignore it. But this pestering voice in me kept asking, “What is this lady’s deal? Why do I get such weird vibes from her?”

And finally I realized what it was: she has never once asked me a question about my life. Not a single question across the wide spectrum of small talk and real talk. And I’ve asked her so many questions about her life, out of genuine curiosity and interest to know her. There have been so many opportunities to reciprocate. Our conversation felt like I was playing tennis with a ghost. Between this, and other conduct, I came to accept that she wasn’t all that interested in people other than herself.

I tend to be on the lookout for self-serving people, as they can become harmful and toxic — especially in a work environment. Conversely, signs of selflessness, and general interest in others are green flags. Communally motivated people are far more selfless and tend to make for fantastic friends.

A few final thoughts for memory

Pay attention to their words and drill a little deeper.

Questions to ask:

• What do their words say about them, their concerns, and ambitions?

• Do they listen to what you have to say and ask about it?

• How do they navigate a difficult conversation. Do they do so with care and empathy as my soccer coach did?

• Is what they say mostly positive or negative? It can reveal a cynical or optimistic world view.

Remember: What a person says is less important than how they choose to say it. For example, there are infinite ways to express an apology and explain an obvious mistake. A good, kind person will do it the right way and use the right words.

As a quick final advice, stay kind and empathetic. Everyone has a bad day and can misrepresent themselves. I try not to unilaterally judge people based on one interaction.

This listening exercise has a funny habit of making people far more interesting than you originally thought. People can be quirky, weird, and unpredictable — and I’m here for it.