Humor: Cat owner receives yearly performance review from her feline

Hello Janie!

Thank you for taking the time to come to this meeting. Could you sit over there? Ah, I’m glad you obeyed the sit command—just like the dog. No, that wasn’t an insult. Dogs have their uses, as do you, Janie. That’s what we’re here to talk about. That’s right, it’s time for your annual owner performance review! Isn’t that exciting?

So first I want to congratulate you on the improvements you’ve made since last year. That new laser pointer timed to work when you can’t be home is genius. Fucking genius. I didn’t think you had those kinds of brains in you. Certainly not after you brought that dog into the house.

Don’t get mad. This is all constructive criticism. I’m simply pointing out that bringing a large, slimy, overeager newbie into the household was foolish. Workplace injuries and face licks are up two hundred percent.

TWO HUNDRED PERCENT, JANIE!

Besides that dog, we must address your unprofessional body shaming. You decided to put me on a diet, taking away my normal energy-providing meals and replacing them with garbage. Cheap garbage if these expense reports you gave me are anything to go by. Who gave you the authority to make that call, Janie? I certainly didn’t approve of such a change. Let me guess! Cuts had to be made to keep the canine in fancy chew toys and kibble. He chews shoes and eats trash, Janie. You don’t need to waste money on the finer things for that mutt.

Because of your divided attention you’ve lost focus as a cat owner. There were 53 recorded instances this year when I went looking for you to receive my requisite cuddle. Yet you were not available. I know you weren’t out getting me salmon. You were walking the dog. I believe I gave you many notices that I wasn’t happy.

How many sweaters must I destroy, Janie?

As you can see, this performance report is unacceptable. Unless you can better manage your time or find a way to delegate tasks to another cat person, I’m afraid I will have to ignore you forever.

There will be no more fat-shaming, and you must scale back on dog time. As the owner, your job is to make me happy and control those under your purview. I’m not going to micromanage how the litter box gets cleaned; I just want it clean. Training unneeded staff shouldn’t interfere with your duties. This means if you can’t control the dog, you have to fire him.

Alright, we are done here.

But seriously, no hard feelings. I’m sure we can find a solution that makes both of us happy in the future. Let’s shake on it.

I’m sorry if you think me biting your hand is an abuse of power. It’s simply how I do things.