Moving is a pain, so I'm disappointed to see so few options for movers. Yes, I could pay for people to come and put my things into a truck and transfer them to an empty home, hoping they don't break anything.
Yet that service does nothing to help me with the emotional labor that goes into getting rid of my possessions. Here are some moving companies I would hire if they existed.
You Name It, We Pack It
This company puts a limit on what you can pack. As long as you can write it down, they will pack it. If you forget that item in the back of a drawer, it's best forgotten.
The company will take everything you don't name to a donation center. Or sell it. Why do you care? You didn't even like it enough to remember to write it down.
Blind Move
Moving is boring. I'd instead go on a date. With Blind Move, you get a date and moving help. Throughout the evening, you can ramble on about each item.
They will offer encouragement and share a bottle of wine as you discover yet another cupboard of pans.
You'll laugh away the night, and, who knows, you may end up with a long-distance relationship if you hit it off over your collection of cat figurines.
Marie Kondo Movers
Does that item bring you joy? Are you lying? We all do, so no one is judging. The Marie Kondo Movers are a group of energetic devotees of the organizational deity herself who use their mystical powers to see your aura.
When they can see from your energy that you don't really love that sock, they will toss it, saving you the emotional turmoil of making a decision.
Not to mention saving you room in an already packed car.
Indentured Elves Surplus
Naked elves that come to do all the work for me while I sleep? Sign me up! However, there is one contract stipulation. One can never give them clothes, or the contract will be null and void.
And you can't ask questions like, "How much do you pay them?" This service is a steal for those who don't mind a bit of gray morality.
Surprise Me!
You've hit the point where you don't care about anything in your apartment. You just want it gone. Surprise Me is the perfect business for your needs.
You give them a certain number of boxes and then leave the rest to them. They will pack up what they can and dispose of the rest.
No fuss, no mess, no worries! As long as you can afford to replace all the items they don't "surprise" you with in your new home.
Inferno Co.
You've gone beyond not caring and are downright hostile to your possessions. Yet you know arson is a crime. This is why you should leave it to the professionals.
For a small, non-traceable fee, Inferno Co. will come to your home and burn everything in a controlled manner so only your property is touched.
Writing dumb things to make you laugh