Humor: Please, I beg, give me an all-in-one product of my own

Truthfully, I never thought I'd be in this position, standing before an altar, getting ready to slaughter a goat. Isn't life strange? I've tried everything else, though. I've written letters, started petitions, and tried to schedule several meetings. All of that came to nothing. So here I am, knife in one hand, goat in the other, ready to sacrifice a literal kid to whatever entity will grant me and every woman an all-in-one product.

The irony isn't lost on me. I teased my boyfriend for years about his one bottle of magical soap-body wash-shampoo-conditioner-lotion-cleanser. He even used it as mouthwash, though the label advised against it. I believe I mockingly muttered, "Snake oil," while I hypocritically remained still so the mask made of snail oil on my face didn't detach from my skin.

Oh, how hubris kicks one in the butt. In this economy where every penny counts, I'm exhausted trying to maintain a beauty regimen with 8–20 expensive items. I want to use a product that will do it all. Notice how I used the word "product?" As in singular?

When my boyfriend asks what I want from Target, I want to respond in under five words. Right now I have to send a novel, with pictures. It's only fair when I send him on a quest that will span 11 aisles and require him to find a sales associate or wizard to assist him. The only other option is for me to go to the store. But this is a worse option because I will soon become overwhelmed by the sheer variety, and I'll leave with more than I intended to solve problems I didn't know I had until I walked into the store.

Let me get on my knees to show you cosmetic gods who speak to beauty CEOs that I am yours to command if you give me what I ask for. Is kneeling not enough? Here, I can make the goat kneel, too. Darn, she is super cute. I'm starting to feel bad about slaughtering her, but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do to make her beauty routine manageable.

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Rollers to drain fluid from my cheeks? Check. Eye cream to also battle age? Check. A pore cleanser to use after a pore detoxifier, which is somehow different from a pore extractor? Freaking check! You can see why I am turning to you. My god did not stop me from spending $297.56 on my quick trip to Sephora for makeup remover. Which is why I'm hoping you can help me.

Please do not forsake me! I implore you to have mercy upon me and others like me. I desperately need whatever intervention an all-in-one product can provide. My life is in shambles. If you don't believe me, look at my bathroom. I haven't opened the mirror cabinet in 10 weeks. Whenever my boyfriend or I dare to look for toothpaste, an avalanche of products pours out, like in that scene from The Shining.

We had a cat. The last time we saw him, he was sleeping in the sink when my boyfriend, foolishly looking for a razor because that's the one thing his product can't take care of, decided to try to access those forbidden shelves.

We've yet to find the cat.

Do I sound high-strung? Perhaps. I am just tired. Another reason I desire this all-in-one product is because I want to seize my time back. For the last decade, my time has been the property of numerous beauty routines. I envy those who can think of songs or novel ideas while showering. One can't get distracted while listening for the timer because woe to the fool who leaves her mask on for a second past the 20-minute mark.

Your intervention would also do wonders for my relationship. I'm not talking about stopping the daily fights over my growing pile of products. I'm talking about getting intimate in new places, like the aforementioned shower. It's impossible to contort two human bodies around the various potion bottles and special brushes required to give my skin the impossibly soft, dewy quality he loves.

So please, oh beauty gods, give me the holy all-in-one product you've seen fit to give men. Make it something that cleans and softens my hair, cleanses my skin (and liver), moisturizes my dryness while also not being greasy, turns back time and doesn't leave me super sensitive to the sun, brightens my face (but not in an obvious way), vanquishes pores and under-eye circles, all while easing my crippling anxiety.

Take my cash. Take my soul. Take my goat if you must. Just give me, a desperate woman, an all-in-one product of my own.