Humor: Stop asking your alligator-less friends when they are going to get an alligator

Ever since moving down south, I've been asked when I'm going to welcome an alligator into our home. At first, it was just curiosity, but the constant questions became annoyingly judgey. Here are some of the most common things said to me because I do not yet have an alligator after age 30, and why they are ridiculous.

"Your life will have more purpose if you have an alligator."

There is a misconception in these parts that a woman's sole purpose is to raise an alligator. According to proponents of this belief, she is incomplete unless she brings one into her home and nurtures it into a healthy adult capable of killing water buffalo. However, it is not the 1800s anymore. Women can do more than raise a cold-blooded reptile while maintaining their environment.

I have other goals that don't involve alligators. Just because I have hands that could throw chickens into the gator's pen doesn't mean I have to. These hands can do more. For example, I make gorgeous fences to keep alligators out of my yard.

"If you don't have an alligator now, you'll miss your chance."

Understandably, most people insist you should grab your alligator in your 20s or early 30s at the latest. After all, when I'm older, I won't have the energy to give my alligator the attention it deserves. Indeed, some very conservative people suggest that once a couple is in their 40s, they won't be blessed with an alligator even if they want one.

That idea is silly. Should I choose to one day have an alligator, I, like many other late alligator-havers, can choose to foster a gator in need of love and affection. Or go to an egg farm to try and hatch one of our own when I'm ready. We don't need to create the perfect climate-controlled environment to host the reptile in our early years. There is time for that at any life stage.

"Don't you want your mother to have a chance to see your alligator before she dies?"

Um, this isn't about my mother. She raised alligators in her youth, it is true, so I have a lot of experience with them. While happy, she never expected me to have gators to please her. She understands I'm not a gator person, and any mom who loves her children would feel the same. Good moms don't guilt their children into having alligators because they want photos of baby claws to share with the other grandmas.

"If you get an alligator, you can spend more time with your friends who also have alligators."

It's true that I see some of my friends less now than before they started raising their hatchlings. Raising alligators is a full-time job, and maintaining one's old social life is complicated. During those first few years, new gator owners want to find a support network of other gator owners who understand the struggles of keeping small pets away from their gators and tricks to keep their little ones warm when heat lamps run out of juice.

"Don't you feel a little selfish living your life without an alligator?"

Nope. I'd feel selfish if I added an alligator to my life when I couldn't give it the time, money, or love it deserves. Other alligator-less couples probably feel the same. Plus, you never know why a couple doesn't have an alligator, so you shouldn't assume.

"Who will share your stories and traditions if you don't have an alligator?"

That's what blogs and books are for. Plus, I bet your alligator is not listening to half the stories you tell.

"You'll be lonely in your old age."

It depends. I will be lonely later if I don't facilitate good relationships right now. But I am fostering those friendships, and I think many of us will learn to make friends into our nineties if need be. Also, there is no guarantee that your alligators will nurture you in your later years. You're raising an independent gator, not a retirement plan.

Don't put expectations on them to be the sole provider for you because of an old social construct. If anything, that will make your alligator resent you and swim off into a Florida swamp where you'll never hear from them again.

"You'll regret not having an alligator one day."

This phrase is so offensive to people without alligators. It's self-righteous and hurtful. You're basically wishing ill on friends because they didn't make the same life choices you did. I could easily say you'll regret having that gator that's destroyed your lovely home and cost upwards of $50,000 to feed, house, and entertain.

But I wouldn't because I know you love your life and your gators. However, we alligator-less people also enjoy our lives, which are rich and full of small pets with much less stress.

Let's agree to be more empathic. You can come to my house and enjoy a peaceful evening of wine and gossip. I'll come to your alligator's birthday party and endure the noise and constant attempt to chew my arm. Because, in the end, we're not so different. We're both just trying to survive in a world that wants to eat us alive sometimes.