The Science Behind Why We Start Resembling Our Partners
The Michelangelo phenomenon is real and has consequences for your wellbeing.
My partner never cursed when we met. She was a wholesome young woman from a quaint town in upstate New York, which I affectionately dubbed, “Her snow globe.”
Not even the most lightly offensive words graced her lips and she often reprimanded me for my foul language. And in my defense, the habit was embedded at an early age. I’m the son of a sailor, who could make the devil blush with his expletives.
Today, my partner, sadly, has caught some of my bad language habits — and I feel quite guilty now as I write this. Even more so because I caught some of her amazing organizational skills and forethought. It seems an unfair trade by most measures — but it has made us more similar and benefitted our relationship.
This personality trend is called “convergence” and is observed by many researchers, who find that, over time, we begin to resemble our partners personality, well-being, and health.
It’s also why a new health kick is easier to roll out if your spouse also gets on board with it. After all, it’s hard to stick to a diet if your spouse is filling your fridge with chocolate, creamy cheesecake, and buttery croissants.
How have you changed since meeting your partner? Were there any specific habits that you picked up? Any beliefs you changed? Surely something has been altered along the way.
Here’s how it happens and what it means for your life.
The origins of partner convergence
Psychologists often discuss the Michelangelo phenomenon — which describes how two partners shape each other in the ongoing process of living, working, and pursuing their goals. With continued proximity, their values and priorities imbue upon each other, creating a convergence between them.
After all, as partners, you often do the same activities together. You talk to the same sets of people and have conversations about similar topics. You hear and empathize with each others frustrations and perspectives. No, this process doesn’t make us clones — but on some touchpoints, the change is noticeable.
For example, my sister was a music aficionado growing up. She listened to indie and pop music religiously for the first 25 years of her life. Then, she fell in love with a southern boy. One day, I was in her car and noticed country music playing and thought I was hallucinating. She’d spent so much time bashing the genre, calling it the worst music, but was now listening with a smile on her face. I suspect I knew the cause.
This convergence goes well beyond romantic relationships — to the people we spend the most time around, and even the culture we live in. Shared stories, media, and customs flow through us and shape similar attitudes, motivations, and emotional responses.
Convergence is also why parents are so strict about who their kids play with. My dad always said, “Let me meet your five closest friends, and I’ll learn a lot about you without meeting you.”
And this matters in a big way, even for your happiness. One study, aptly called, Don’t Drag Me Down: Valence Asymmetry in Well-Being Co-Development in Couples, found that the happier person in a relationship, tended to become less happy over time as the unhappier partner pulled them down.
Remember that as the Michelangelo phenomenon unfolds, you both hold a scalpel, and with it — responsibility.
The how and why of it
What’s interesting is that researchers don’t agree on what causes convergence. They think it might be a matter of perception in some cases — which is just as important in the phenomenon. The belief that you are similar to someone can elicit the converging behavior on its own, even before it happens.
For example, there’s a famous boardwalk here in Tampa called Bayshore. It’s the longest unbroken sidewalk in the nation and lines a beautiful shimmering body of water, with scenic views and perpetual good weather. When you walk on it, you’re given a front row seat to some of the greatest people watching available, and many examples of convergence.
You see the fit couple go by, the couple with metal band t-shirts on. Sometimes, I see a tattooed up couple ride by on bikes. I always wonder if they were both that tatted up when they met, or if one got into tattoos after seeing the other getting them.
Another component of convergence is that we often date people who are more like us than a random stranger. Singles tend to date in similar socioeconomic and cultural groups, and in some cases, date people similar to their exes or parents.
This is also described by homophily, which is our tendency to associate with those that are similar to us. Numerous experiments have proven it — and not always in a good way.
Homophily was even observed on the set of Planet Of The Apes in 1968. The director noticed that during lunch, people sat with those who wore similar costumes to them. They’d self-segregated. He described feeling a chill in the air and wondered if we were already in a dystopian sci-fi future.
Homophily can be bad, as it can undermine the benefits and goals of diversity — but it does explain in part how we end up around like-minded people.
What does this mean for your life?
You need not seek out your doppelganger. Any will do, so long as their personalities and values align with your hopes and dreams.
The good news is that you can easily absorb positive qualities one brings to the table, without passing all of your bad habits to your partner. A study by Dr. Jeffry A. Simpson found that a secure and confident partner can help alleviate the challenges a secure-attachment style partner faces — making them feel better and behave more constructively.
Despite the cursing habits I passed to Laura, I’d like to think I gave her a few of my other traits — such as learning to laugh when its needed most, and knowing when to take life less seriously.
Remember that we can be either a force of good or bad on the person we are with most. You stand to create a virtuous cycle by modeling the behaviors you hope to embrace by getting them mirrored back to you.
And if it isn’t already self-evident, consider deeply the people you want to spend your time with. Specifically, your choice of a life partner is one of the most consequential decisions you will make. Few things affect your happiness, health, longevity, and financial wellbeing as much as this decision.
I’m fortunate to have found a woman who is better than me in so many ways, and I’m grateful for that. Her kindness, caring, and intelligence, have been such welcome additions to my life, and have left me an ongoing student. I wish only the same degree of fortune upon you.
Let us remember the profound impact we have on each other’s lives. Whether we serve as agents of encouragement and growth, or unwitting conduits for negativity — the choices we make in our relationships shape not only our own destinies but also those of our loved ones.
Do not fear the unknown or those different from yourself. Embrace them. But remember that each of us holds a scalpel, and as you go out into the world, you help shape it into a reflection of your own self.
I'm a former financial analyst turned writer out of sunny Tampa, Florida. I began writing eight years ago on the side and fell in love with the craft. My goal is to provide non-fiction story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.
