Why We Tend to Have Stronger Maternal Family Ties

My grandfather, Marvin, was big, gruff and tough. But he was also loving old man who could be quite playful. He used to sit in a giant lazy boy chair in the middle of his living room. He’d look at me as a boy and say, “You mess with me and you gonna get these.” And proceeded to flex both arms.

Then he held one fist up and said, “Seven days in the hospital.” Then he held up his other fist and said, “Death.” Which made me laugh. It didn’t matter that his jokes were so edgy. The most important thing was that he was actually present.

My maternal family’s involvement far outweighed that of my paternal side, with me spending entire summers with my grandparents and seeing my only uncle several times a year. This maternal bias wasn’t malicious, but it is common, encompassing what many of you experienced as well, especially if you live in the US or Europe (though it is slightly less pronounced in Europe).

The matrilineal advantage isn’t often written about. So what is it that drives these connections? And is it problematic? It turns out that one solution might involve paternal leave.

Looking into the data

Sociologist Dr. Christopher G. Tran, of Florida State University, ran a study examining matrilineal ties in families, and consistently found closer ties for children to maternal relatives and grandparents. Part of this is explained by more pervasive kinkeeping activities that women uphold — meaning they tend to be more proactive in maintaining these family ties. They schedule more dinners and brunches with family, and special get togethers. They are more likely to remember birthdays and send cards and messages to extended family. These small gestures play a big role in promoting kinship.

But this also applies to home activities. Even when the wife earns more than her spouse, she’s still more likely to do more homecare activities, especially with children. And even when she doesn’t make more, male advantages in the workplace often confer a familial advantage to the mother’s side as a result.

Which is unfortunate if you are a paternal grandparent and want more time with grandkids. No, this isn’t a competition. And it isn’t my goal to sow discontent and start fights with extended family, but this should serve as a reminder to some that more can be done.

If anything, it’s a reminder to us men that perhaps we should take a more active role in kinkeeping, introducing our family to our children, allowing them to learn of our heritage, upbringing and values. Sadly, the problem is worse than that mere disconnect from extended family. There are around 15 million single mothers in the United States, with many fathers being only glancingly involved in their children’s lives.

The extraneous factor we can’t control

It’s also worth acknowledging that sometimes this paternal connection isn’t possible. My paternal grandmother died before I was born, and my paternal grandfather died when I was five. I painfully wish I could remember and have known both of them and at least know what their voices sounded like. Which is why it makes me so sad to know that many children don’t know their paternal grandparents — despite them being alive, available, and well.

But this doesn’t mean there isn’t a way for you to reconnect. After entering my 30's, I went on a mission of discovery, to learn as much about my paternal grandfather and mother as possible —including all the good and the bad. I learned my grandfather was a heroic world war 2 pilot, and that his wife, my grandmother, died in her 30's — choking to death at a dinner party, with nobody knowing the Heimlich maneuver. My grandfather raised my dad and siblings from then on, never remarrying, but still getting the job done appropriately. I also learned he was a hard-nosed man who ran a tight ship, which is probably where my father got it from.

Take the time to reconnect with the missing side of your family. Otherwise, it can often feel like something is missing from your life. Rediscovering these histories, and people that are still present, can be an almost spiritual experience, one that makes you whole again.

Additionally, to the men reading this, if you are getting ready to have a child with your partner, consider taking advantage of paternal leave. During a twenty year study, researchers found that around 273,000 women were taking maternity leave at any given time. And while men did usually take a few days of PTO off after a birth, it was and is much rare for them to take paternity leave.

The missed opportunity

The unfortunate thing is that many companies now offer paternity leave and many men choose not to take it, despite it being proven to help establish a more egalitarian parenting relationship early on, which has cascading benefits for the entire family. The wife will feel less like she’s working a second-shift after getting home from work, and more like she has an embedded partner to help maintain the family.

I know of several men who felt it wasn’t “manly” to take paternity leave, so they opted out. But one man I know who did it was extremely grateful, and his marriage is definitely better for it. This leave not only gave him more time to spend with their child, it also gave him time to bring the baby to see his extended family, and establish an early relationship with them.

Research has shown that knowing more of your extended family, learning their histories, and playing a role in these loved one’s lives, can contribute to wellness, happiness, and overall satisfaction with life. It is like adding layers of love, which never hurts.

It can also help to compensate for missing figures in your life. Even if the father isn’t present, his parents likely want to be involved in their grandchild’s life, and would be eager to help, and even play the role of babysitter — which can be crucial in the grueling early years.

Why this subject? Why now?

As a writer, my goal has never been to teach people how to get rich, make money with writing, or even to tell them what they want to hear. It has always been to promote empathy and show better paths through life. The world is full of division, anxiety, and people who are feeling lost. Family and genuine connections can help replace much of what is missing.

Years ago, I polled 5,000 readers on their biggest regrets in life. More than a few results involved some form of, “I wish I’d taken time to get to know my estranged family members.”

Or, “I wish I’d gotten to know my father’s side of the family before they passed away.”

Family is an incredible gift that should never be taken for granted. It takes time, patience, and effort to maintain these ties. But if you don’t, you may end up regretting what you missed out on, that was fully available all along.

To the men seeing this, get involved, stay involved, and allow your children to see your side of the family too. Both families matter.