How to talk to children about September 11

As the 23rd anniversary of 9/11 approaches, many parents will navigate talking to their kids about the tragedy.

So, how should you approach the topic with your children?

Mr. Meredith Elkins, clinical psychologist and co-director of the McLean Anxiety Mastery Program recommends parents having their first conversation about September 11 do less talking and more listening to their kids. Start by asking your kids what they know first, she suggests.

“Most parents’ instinct is to talk and talk and give a lot of information,” Elkins said. “Frankly we’re nervous. We’re trying to prevent our kids from experiencing worry and stress, and our go-to is often ‘fill the space’… And what we actually find is that asking questions and listening is going to be much more beneficial for kids.”

After gauging what the child already knows and wants to learn, a parent can then discuss the events in whatever capacity is suitable for their individual child.

“In a developmentally appropriate way, you can share with them about the event… in a really concrete way saying, September 11 is the anniversary of a really hard day in our country where some people hijacked planes and flew them into buildings, and their goal was to create a lot of fear and sadness and destruction,” Elkins said. “And at the same time, there were so many people who were incredibly brave. And so, every year, we come together to honor them and to acknowledge them.”

Elkins warns parents to avoid sensational language and graphic imagery, and she encourages parents to allow their children to feel the normal emotions that tragedy evokes but to remind kids there is still always hope.

“When we talk about these tragedies, we want to model that it’s okay to be scared and sad because these were scary and sad things,” Elkins said.

At Morrill Memorial Library in Norwood, parents and teachers have been checking out books about 9/11 in the days leading up to the anniversary.

A popular book locally among young families is The Man in the Red Bandanna, a story about 9/11 hero Welles Crowther, a Boston College graduate, New York City equities trader, and volunteer firefighter who saved up to 18 lives.

Director Clayton Cheevers showed Boston 25 News a variety of books about the Twin Towers, the events of 9/11, and heroes of that dark day.

“It’s really important for us to explain, just like people before us explained about the Kennedy assassination or the fall of Saigon – or there are so many events,” Cheevers said. “In books, we realize that we’re not alone. They help us explore the inner thoughts of other people, and they help us build on the resilience of people who lived through horrible times.”

As a father himself and someone who vividly remembers the trauma of 9/11, Cheevers believes books can be a helpful guide for children to understand our country’s past and the tragedy their parents lived through.

“I think for those of us who lived through 9/11, it was very visceral, and it’s such a dark, sad day,” Cheevers said. “It scarred us. This is part of surviving our trauma. We don’t want to inflict trauma on future generations, but we do need them to know when we look at lower Manhattan today, it feels different and we’re going to have a reaction when we drive by and see the Freedom Tower instead of the Twin Towers.”

For more information, the Tunnel to Towers Foundation provides educational resources based on first-person accounts for students between kindergarten and high school. Those resources can be found here.

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