How to Talk to Your Kids About Death
When our six-year-old son Joey was diagnosed with cancer, his brothers were five, three, and one. We couldn't even begin to imagine how to explain any of it to them, especially when it turned out that the cancer was terminal. Nothing in our parenting toolbox had prepared us for the tough conversations we would need to have. My husband had the foresight to seek advice from a professional counselor, who gave him these tips to help us talk to our children about death. But even so, I'm sure we made some mistakes along the way.
Admittedly, I'm no professional grief counselor. But we have learned going through the grief process. We still are going through the process. After all, grief is tenacious. It doesn't easily give up, and it rears its head when you least expect it. It comes and goes like waves throughout a person's life. It becomes a constant, a part of the scenery we can either fight against or live with if we have the proper tools.
1. It's okay to say "I don't know why."
Parents think they need to have an answer for everything. But the bottom line is that sometimes there isn't an answer. Reassure your child that you will be there for her when she is scared and confused or just needs a hug.
2. Don't avoid questions.
Even if you don't have all the answers, it's still okay to talk about the squashed squirrel in the street. In fact, animals provide us the perfect opportunity to introduce the concept of death to kids. Yes, that squirrel ran in the street and got hit by a car. Now it is dead. Be simple and straightforward.
3. Do avoid euphemisms.
Many people use terms like "sleeping," "passed away," "went to sleep," or "was taken from us" to describe death. These terms can confuse children. If Daddy is sleeping, then he will wake up. Again, be straightforward: The tumor in Joey's brain caused his body to stop working, and he died. Teach children that all living things eventually die; and once dead, they are dead forever.
4. Expect many emotions and fears.
You may see children exhibiting a variety of emotions such as sadness, anger, depression, or apathy. Even if your child seems apathetic, he may simply not understand how he is feeling or emotions may hit him when he least expects it. Children may be running and laughing on the day of the funeral, but wake up weeks later after a nightmare.
5. Keep your routines consistent.
Children are actually comforted by routine. At a time when things seem scary and out of control, daily routine can help start the healing process. It shows children that even though someone we love is gone, our lives are going on and that's okay.
6. Provide opportunities for talk and play.
Don't expect your child to talk to you about how she is feeling. Talk about your own feelings and then listen when she talks about hers. If she is playing and pretending the person who has died is there, let her play. This a the way children process their loss.
7. Start new traditions while keeping some of the old.
It's good to remember the past we had with our loved ones and continue family traditions in their honor. But it's okay to start something new, too. June 10th was just another day before Joey died. Now, it is Joey Party Day. We look at pictures, tell funny stories, go to the zoo, and eat all of Joey's favorite foods.
8. Use professional resources geared toward children.
Two books for children that came highly recommended to us were The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia and When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers (aka, "Mr. Rogers"). Local libraries have "Grief Kits" that contain books and stuffed animals, and websites such as The Compassionate Friends, the Dougy Center, and the National Alliance for Grieving Children offer support for the entire family.
9. Let them keep a personal object.
While it's emotionally unhealthy to leave things untouched, allowing your son to wear his dad's favorite ball cap or siblings to keep some of their brother's stuffed animals is comforting. You can make a display of your loved one's favorite items or have a quilt made out of their clothing.
10. Utilize professional help.
Whether you need it beforehand, during, or even many years after a death, there is no shame in seeking help for yourself or your family. Grief is an on-going process, and we never know when or how it will affect us.
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