Do you talk in lifts, hate naps and have a five-year plan? 12 signs you're a weirdo
Maybe we are the weirdos. Perhaps, feasibly, plausibly, it is us walking on the sticky side of, ‘What the hell is going on here?’ But, as we storm and limp and skip through life – depending on what has just triggered us – we notice things. Oh yes, we do. And we wonder. Are we really the weirdos? Or are they…
Those who don’t wear earphones in the gym Not the ones who have clearly forgotten their earphones and are practically weeping from boredom and demotivation on the cross trainer, ready to abandon all hope. But the people powering through, deliberately… doing what? Listening to their laboured breathing? Listening to our laboured breathing? Doing the most boring thing on the planet with no uplifting or distracting anthem? Not normal.
Those who wear heels all day when they don’t need to Maybe they have a monstrous tolerance for pain? Maybe they have a great deal to prove? Maybe they have a secret chauffeur? They probably have freak feet. Yes, that must be it.
People who can stop at one of anything One Netflix episode, one biscuit, one glass of wine, one sliver of brie, and they are not left staring at the screen/packet/bottle/fridge thinking, ‘Walk away now, walk away now,’ but instead are entirely satisfied. Happy even.
People who talk in lifts ‘So I said to my therapist, “I am having that dream again where I go on a killing spree in the office, but this time my partner in crime is Dr Alex from Love Island.”’ Why would you say anything other than, ‘Morning, morning, morning,’ out loud in a small enclosed space filled with people? Do these folks think that what happens in the lift, stays in the lift? It doesn’t.
People who don’t like naps You can tell us they make you feel a bit sick when you wake up, a bit groggy and possibly a little anxious. You can explain that a nap compromises your night’s sleep. BUT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.
Those who have five-year plans… We do not have a five-year plan. We do not have a five-hour plan. OK, that’s not true. Laundry is in our plan (always). And having a drink and not starting an argument, and going for a swim. Is that enough of a plan? Baby steps.
… And those who ask us what our five-year plan is Damn you and the planning horse you rode in on. OK then, our plan is world domination. After we’ve managed to get on top of the laundry. And the anxiety.
People who sleep for eight hours a night – every night Are they serial killers? It’s their sinister ability to compartmentalise: hide the bodies and then sleep like babies. As opposed to lying back and watching a mental showreel of their worst moments of the past 10 years.
People who enjoy drinks parties The standing around. The talking. To people. The hiding in the loo. The horror of bumping into someone we, erm, ‘kissed’ 20 years ago. The handing out of business cards. The endless manoeuvring of self to get maximum canapé access. But does it look like we are flirting with the teenage waiter? Are we?
People who don’t ‘like’ anything on social media We know they are there because we see their name pop up on our Instagram stories. Or we bump into them and they say, ‘Did you have fun at the car boot sale #bargain?’ But why don’t they like anything? Ever. Lurkers.
Those who avoid all medication We look at them with their terrible headaches or sore backs and say, ‘Here is some industrial-strength ibuprofen that will soothe you,’ and they say, ‘I am sorry, I try not to take any medication.’ And we stare and stare. Still staring.
People who never properly swear What is effing wrong with them? Are they dead inside? Oh, bother it.
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