What to Do If Your Teen Wants to Wear a 'Sexy' Halloween Costume
How to handle this issue, according to experts.
Medically reviewed by Samantha Mann
When your child was little, their Halloween costumes ran the gamut from Disney princesses to animals to favorite storybook characters, but now that they’re in their teens, well, things have likely changed. Your teen is no longer into Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz or cartoon heroines; this year, they want to dress up like a sexy witch, a scantily clad cat, or their favorite pop star.
These desires are nothing new; it’s a tale as old as Halloween itself. Remember the iconic line from Mean Girls about Halloween? "In the real world, Halloween is when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it,” Lindsay Lohan’s character Cady says. (Of course, the characters get schooled later on in the film about why the word "slut" is not cool to throw around—but that's another topic for another day.)
This has been a rite of passage for young people for decades, and you might have even gone through something similar yourself. “Halloween has [become] a safe night for exploring new identities, and part of this is exploring how it feels to wear more sexualized clothing,” explains Dr. Erin O’Connor, chief of education at the parenting resource Cooper. “Teens also might see it as a way to differentiate themselves from the more childish side of Halloween; it might not be 'cool' to engage in traditional trick-or-treating, but it is cool to celebrate in a way where you can assert your independence and explore your sexuality.”
So how does a parent approach this dilemma in a thoughtful, supportive way? How do you encourage your teen to be themselves without going too far? We gathered advice from experts to help you navigate this tricky situation.
Related: 4 Ways to Connect Better With Your Teen
Should I Forbid My Teen From Wearing a "Sexy" Costume?
While your knee-jerk reaction may be to forbid your teen from any “sexy” costumes entirely, that’s probably not the right approach; it’s much more likely to backfire on you.
According to pediatric psychologist and certified school psychologist Kelsey Latimer, PhD, CEDS-S, RN/BSN, sitting down and talking honestly and openly with your child is the best place to start. “I would encourage your teen to talk about why they want to wear a certain costume and what they are hoping to get from it,” Dr. Latimer explains. “You might find them opening up deep concerns of not feeling good enough, or needing validation of worth from others, or just a sense of fitting in. Those are all very important and normal things teens want to feel.” Empathize with those feelings; you likely felt similarly at some point when you were younger!
Take Care to Avoid Shaming Language While Discussing Your Teen's Costume
It can be helpful to ask your child their intentions behind the costume, but be careful not to body-shame them in the process. It’s normal for teenagers to be curious about sex and for them to explore their sexuality.
“Adolescence is a time of change and a time of exploring identity. Sometimes it's fun to (literally) try on a new personality,” says Crystal Britt, LCSW. “It might feel different and ‘adult’ to them to try out something more risque. Help them articulate why.”
How does your family deal with sex and sexuality in general? This could be a factor in why your teen is attracted to their costume of choice. “If the topic is taboo in your home, your teen is more likely to be fascinated by it and seek it out,” says Britt. “Similarly, if it's allowed to be talked about and questions are okay, kids are a lot more likely to lose the allure of these types of costumes.”
Approach your teenager with empathy and thoughtfulness, not judgment or anger. “The key here is creating curiosity and openness, not shame for wanting attention or for showing one's body,” says Dr. Latimer. “What are other messages they want to send into the world about themselves and their personalities? Is it that they are fun? Creative? Exciting? What about using the Halloween holiday as a time to express those things and to enjoy being a teen?”
Keep the Focus on the Costume Itself, Rather Than Your Teen's Appearance or Body
Dr. O’Connor recommends keeping the focus on the costume and not your child and their appearance. “Statements like, ‘I am concerned that you might not feel comfortable the night-of in that costume’ will keep the conversation focused on the clothing elements rather than your child’s behavior or appearance,” she explains. Dr. O’Connor brings up the scene from the Barbie movie where Barbie is rollerblading in Los Angeles and realizes she feels unsafe in this new environment; will your teen feel OK in their costume all night long, especially if there’s a chance of scenery?
“Your teen might feel great at home, or at a friend’s house, but different if they go to a party where they don’t know many people; the shoes they have on might feel great at 6 PM, but how will those shoes feel at 10 PM?” Dr. O’Connor asks. “Encourage them to ‘play the tape’ through to consider how changes in environment or circumstances might affect their feelings about their costume.” As for safety, Britt recommends reviewing your family’s rules for nights out and ensuring your teen has a way to contact you if they’re not enjoying themselves and want to come home.
Related: An Argument for Letting Your Teen Wear What They Want
Most Importantly, Make Sure to Have an Open Conversation
Learning the “why” behind the costume can be pivotal in finding a happy medium for parents and teens; if you can have an open dialogue where both parties listen to the other, you may just find a compromise that lets your teen express themselves without doing too much, too fast. “You as a parent are allowed to create scaffolding around your teen’s options that will allow them to engage with their peers without going all-in,” shares Dr. O’Connor. Maybe it’s time to take a trip to the local Spirit Halloween or thrift store together! “If your teen will allow you to go shopping with them, do it so you can continue to talk through their choices and encourage them to consider their comfort.”
Your teen may even decide that what they thought they wanted isn’t actually as cool in real life as it was in their head, or that they feel great in their chosen costume—and you’re OK with it too. “Whatever the compromise or solution, the important part is including your teenager in the decision-making process—the harder you push back, the harder they may go after it,” says Britt. “Remind your teen that you are on the same team: wanting them to grow up to be the healthiest version of themselves.”
Related: This is Why Your Teen Won't Always Tell You About Their Day
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