How To Tell If A Red Flag Should Actually Be A Relationship Deal Breaker
If you’re in a relationship, chances are, there are specific things that made you fall in love with your partner. Maybe their artistic talent, sense of humor, and charming smile made you swoon. Maybe the honeymoon phase was rom-com worthy—full of butterflies, passion, cozy date nights, and tons of great sex.
However, now that you’re a few months in and your relationship is getting more serious, you start noticing things that seem… off. And as much as you hate to admit it, you begin wondering if those things could be relationship deal breakers. Perhaps your partner has a quirk or bad habit that drives you bananas, or you realize you disagree on literally everything from ice cream flavors to politics. Or maybe there’s a certain red flag that keeps getting more, well, red. You might even think your partner is fantastic and you feel mostly aligned, but there’s one big, glaring incompatibility that’s putting strain on an otherwise healthy relationship.
No two people are the same, and having differences with your partner certainly doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. However, if you keep coming back to one specific problem or incompatibility, you might feel sad, awkward, or confused about how to proceed. Here are 14 common deal breakers in relationships and what to do if you encounter them, according to licensed therapists.
What is a deal breaker in a relationship?
No matter how much you love someone, sometimes, you’ll come across a deal breaker—aka, a clear non-negotiable that will make a relationship unlikely to work out. A deal breaker can be anything from a bad habit to a lack of something important in the relationship, like trust—and while specific deal breakers will differ from person to person, they all typically represent some type of boundary that prevents the relationship from moving forward.
“A ‘deal breaker’ in a relationship is when one partner identifies a discrete behavior, aspect, value, or goal of the other partner [that] they are unwilling to tolerate or compromise on—and [they] decide that the relationship is not worth continuing if it exists,” says Jolie Silva, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the Chief Operating Officer of New York Behavioral Health.
It may also be the lack of a certain quality or aspect of the relationship you feel is missing, Silva adds. For instance, you may get along pretty well, but if you don’t have much physical chemistry, you might consider it a deal breaker. Or, you may have tons of physical chemistry, but you don’t share the same sense of humor—which may be a no-go for you.
Although some deal breakers are personal—like looks, physical chemistry, or lifestyle choices, for example—others are universal red flags that shouldn’t ever be tolerated in a relationship, says Susan Trotter, PhD, a relationship coach and clinical psychologist. Think: Abusive, toxic, or generally hurtful behavior. “People may be inconsistent, controlling, communicate poorly, or have problems with frustration tolerance or anger management,” Trotter says. And while some behaviors can certainly be worked on, others might be a sign that your relationship is unhealthy.
Deal breakers can look different for everyone, but ultimately, they’re determined by where you, specifically, draw the line. “We all have needs and requirements for what must happen in a relationship for us to feel happy and safe,” says Gloria Zhang, MA, a Canada-based psychotherapist, relationship coach, and host of The Inner Child Podcast. “Deal breakers are when our conditions for a happy relationship aren’t met or are broken.”
14 Deal Breakers In A Relationship
Many deal breakers are personal, meaning they will depend on you, your personality and preferences, and what you want out of the relationship. However, others might be more universal. Here are 14 potential deal breakers you might encounter, according to experts.
1. There's been infidelity in your relationship.
One of the most common relationship deal breakers is infidelity. Although some partners can mend things after cheating or betrayal has occurred, for many people, it’s a sign that the relationship needs to end. “Infidelity can be a deal breaker for many people because it shows a lack of respect to the other person and erodes trust,” says Trotter.
Although there are many potential reasons why a partner may cheat, Trotter says infidelity can sometimes reflect underlying unresolved issues in the relationship—and this might mean it's time to part ways.
2. You can't trust your partner.
Solid trust makes all relationships, including romantic ones, work. If you can’t lean on your partner, things can go downhill pretty fast. “Without trust, there is no foundation in the relationship,” says Zhang. “If there is a consistent lack of trust, whether it's due to past betrayals or ongoing suspicions, it can become a breeding ground for insecurity.”
Whether you’re dealing with infidelity, your partner keeps hiding things from you, or you continuously feel like you can’t fully trust your partner to support you in the ways you’ve asked, this lack of trust could be a deal breaker for the relationship.
3. You don't have the same core values.
One of the biggest relationship deal breakers is having drastically different core values, says Layne Baker, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert in private practice in Los Angeles, California. “The health and longevity of any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is directly tied to how aligned you feel on a values-based level with another person,” she says. “In romantic relationships, it is essential that you and your partner can identify a few core values that are foundational to your relationship—trust, equity, collaboration, and humor, for example.”
Everyone has their own beliefs, and it’s normal if you and your partner aren’t 100% aligned on every little thing. But if you have drastically different values—or if you value something deeply, but your partner does not—it could be a deal breaker for your relationship.
If you realize you and your partner have different values, there may be room for compromise—but you shouldn’t feel pressured to let go of what you hold important, says Silva. “The first piece of advice in navigating a deal breaker is to not alter your values for someone else because that will likely result in resentment and an unhealthy dynamic,” she says. “Compromise can be effective many times, but if a deal breaker exists and your partner is not willing to compromise, you are better off working to separate and move on than trying to change the other person.”
4. You have different desires for family planning.
Have you ever asked your partner whether or not they want to have kids someday? This can be an intimidating conversation, but it’s a crucial one that helps you determine whether or not you’re on the same page for the long haul. If one of you wants to become a parent but the other does not, it can be a major deal breaker—and relationship-ender—for many people, according to Zhang.
“Do you both dream of being parents, or does one person crave a child-free lifestyle?” she says. If you’re not in alignment here, it might not make sense to stay together as a couple, she adds.
5. Your religious, political, or ethical beliefs conflict with each other.
You can absolutely have different beliefs and still get along as a couple. However, some specific belief systems—like religious, spiritual, or political views, for instance—might hold extra weight, making it even more significant when things don’t align.
Kristina Brown, PhD, LMFT, chair and professor in the Department of Couple and Family Therapy at Adler University, has seen a rise in “political” deal breakers in recent years. “A person's core values can be challenged if their partner has differing political beliefs. This can be especially painful during election times,” she says.
Apart from politics, maybe your spiritual practices feel like they’re at odds with your partner’s. Or you feel strongly about sustaining a vegan lifestyle, but your partner does not, and you feel conflicted about it. “While it's true that no two people are exactly the same, religious beliefs, political views, or ethical principles can create ongoing conflicts,” adds Zhang. “Fundamental [differences] are hard to reconcile.” Whatever the situation may be, remember only you can determine whether something is truly a deal breaker or not—the decision is personal.
6. You have—or want—very different lifestyles.
One of the most common relationship deal breakers is “when partners have different preferences for how they want to live their lives,” according to Silva. For example, if you dream of settling down, buying a house, and starting a family but your partner is set on traveling the world and exploring for the next few years, it could be a potential deal breaker. Or, if they’re content living with a bunch of roommates in a busy city but you prefer the countryside, it may be a sign that you aren’t heading in the same direction.
Ultimately, you can ask yourself: Do you have—or want—the same lifestyles? Do you see your lives fitting together, or not? This can help you determine whether it’s a temporary misalignment that you can work through or if it’s ultimately a deal breaker.
7. You don't feel like you can be your authentic self around them.
When you’re around your partner, do you feel like you can let your guard down and really be yourself? Are you able to speak up about your true thoughts, or do you feel like you’re constantly censoring what you express? If something is holding you back, it may be a subtle sign to explore deeper issues.
“If you struggle to really let your true self shine around your partner in all of its complex, awkward, and imperfect glory, this could create a barrier for deeper connection,” Baker says. Of course, it’s normal to be shy around someone cute you just started dating—but if there’s ongoing discomfort, it may be a warning sign.
8. The relationship (or your partner) makes you sacrifice your life goals.
In a healthy, secure relationship, both partners can pursue what they love—and, ideally, you can support each other enthusiastically along the way. If you feel like you have to give up your ambitions to make the relationship work, it can potentially be a deal breaker, says Zhang. “Does staying in this relationship mean you must abandon your lifelong dream of starting a family? Of getting your degree at school? Or starting the business you've been planning since you were a kid? Real love shouldn't mean you are abandoning what's important to you,” she says.
Of course, building a life with someone means you might have to sacrifice certain things at different times. But if you find yourself consistently putting your needs aside—or if you feel the relationship is one-sided, it may be cause for concern.
9. You don't feel respected or valued.
All relationships have their ups and downs, but no matter what, you deserve to feel safe, secure, and loved. If you feel like your partner disrespects you, ignores you, or treats you poorly in any way, this is likely a major deal breaker and a sign to evaluate whether or not your relationship is worth continuing.
“Even during conflict or difficult conversations, healthy relationships still feel safe—meaning, even though something hard is happening, you feel respected and valued, and your emotions matter,” Baker says. “Regular ruptures in emotional safety can be a deal breaker as it prevents someone from really being able to fully trust their partner.”
10. Your partner has specific behaviors or habits that you don't agree with.
“Some people identify specific behaviors as deal breakers because they are unwilling to tolerate them, like substance use, aggression, or employment instability,” Silva says. For example, if you strongly value dating a non-smoker, your partner’s cigarette habit may ultimately be a nonstarter for you. Silva adds that deal breakers can also include the “lack” of behavior in a relationship—for instance, you’re very career-driven, but your partner isn’t super ambitious.
“My first recommendation is that a person determines what their own deal breakers are and then present them to their partner(s)," says Silva. "I also encourage each person to enter the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to find common ground.”
For example, maybe you value going to bed early but your partner stays up super late, and the mismatch feels like a noticeable conflict. “If one person is a ‘night owl,’ rather than insisting on matching bedtimes, the early-to-bed partner might get a mask and noise machine while the other wears headphones to watch TV or listen to music, and the reverse can be true in the morning,” Brown says. Voicing your thoughts can be intimidating, and if you need help, Brown suggests working with a therapist, especially if there are concerns of abuse, addiction, or infidelity, she says.
11. You don't (or don't want to) live in the same place.
To be clear, long-distance relationships can work—with lots of communication and effort, of course! But for some partners, living in different locations or across time zones can be a significant issue. If you aren’t willing to mutually work on things, geographic distance might become a deal breaker.
Another potential conflict might be that you want to temporarily relocate for work, but your partner doesn’t, says Silva. Or, maybe they’re interested in moving somewhere new, but you’d rather stay where you are. Either way, the outcome will be largely based on you and your partner’s personal values and comfort levels.
12....or, you struggle to live under the same roof.
If you and your partner get along great, but not necessarily when sharing a physical space, this could be a potential deal breaker that many don’t think about, says Brown. “Some people are naturally neat, while others struggle with this. Some people want a pet, and others don't or can't, and many have differing and even opposing decoration styles,” she explains.
When moving in with a partner, negotiation and compromise are a must, Brown adds. “This may look like each person having their own space decorated and maintained in their own way and the shared space is somewhere in between,” she suggests. “Or, if one person wants a dog and the other is allergic, they are supportive of their partner volunteering at the local shelter.”
You might think your partner’s inability to wash dishes is an automatic deal breaker at first, but is there a chance things can change with a healthy conversation? If so, it might not be the relationship-ending issue you think it is.
13. You're changing who you are to make them happy.
Healthy relationships are all about compromise, and sometimes, you’ll have to meet in the middle to maintain harmony. That means you’ll probably have to self-reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, and areas for improvement within the relationship. That said, if you and your partner have to change too much about yourselves to keep each other happy, there might be an imbalance, Zhang says.
“Relationships are a constant dance between growing and being yourself, and sometimes the gap is just too big,” she says. “If you need to take personal accountability for ways you could show up better, such as communication and effort, then this is a chance to work through your differences and become a better version of yourself. But if staying in this relationship means that you have to become someone that you don't want to be, then it's better to say goodbye.”
14. Your partner is exhibiting any type of abusive behavior.
While some deal breakers may be based on personal preferences and standards, others are universal. No matter how “aligned” you and your partner may be, Trotter says toxic or abusive behaviors—verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and more—should never be tolerated in a relationship.
"It reflects a lack of love and respect and it violates boundaries. This kind of behavior also erodes trust and a sense of safety in the relationship,” says Trotter. If your partner belittles you, is controlling, or exhibits any type of abuse, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship—the exact opposite of what you deserve.
“Love should not hurt,” Zhang adds. “Any form of abuse absolutely needs to be a deal breaker for everyone. If your partner makes you feel scared, they are not the one. No relationship is worth risking your own safety for.”
What should I do if I encounter a deal breaker in my relationship?
Being faced with a relationship deal breaker can be a painful experience. “Regardless of what the deal breaker is, it has probably thrown a wrench into a relationship that you were hoping was going to work,” says Baker. “Assuming that you have already talked with your partner and confirmed this is, in fact, a deal breaker and not something that can be worked through, trust your instinct and get support.”
She recommends talking with trusted friends, journaling your thoughts, or talking to a therapist who can help you navigate next steps. A breakup might be painful, but an incompatible relationship—or an unhealthy one—might be even worse.
Meet the experts: Jolie Silva, PhD is a clinical psychologist and Chief Operating Officer of New York Behavioral Health. Susan Trotter, PhD is a relationship expert, clinical psychologist, and public speaker. Layne Baker, LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert in private practice in Los Angeles, CA. Kristina Brown, PhD, LMFT is the chair and professor in the Department of Couple and Family Therapy at Adler University. Gloria Zhang, M.A. is a Canada-based registered psychotherapist, relationship coach, and host of The Inner Child Podcast.
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