How Do I Tell My Wife to Stop Monitoring What I Eat?
This article originally appeared on Outside
Welcome to Tough Love. We're answering your questions about dating, breakups, and everything in between. Our advice giver is Blair Braverman, dogsled racer and author of Small Game and Welcome to the Goddamn Ice Cube. Have a question of your own? Write to us at [email protected].
My wife has always been active, the whole time I've known her. She struggled with body image in the past, but has made peace with her body through hiking, swimming, and other movement. I think she'd say exercise is an important component of her mental health. Recently, however, she injured herself, and hasn't been able to train as much as she usually does. Maybe as a result, she seems to have become careful about her eating habits, like weighing and measuring everything she eats. For example, she eats the same salad with homemade dressing every day for lunch. She might bake cookies, but they have healthy ingredients and she only eats one, and will bring the rest to work to give away.
She looks fantastic and doesn't seem to be unhealthy or too thin, but the problem is that now she seems to be extending her control toward what I eat. If we go out to a restaurant, she'll say things off hand like, "That was your cheat meal for the week," even though we've never discussed my eating and I am not on a diet myself. I feel like if I so much as get a Starbucks, she's judging me. So I find myself eating at weird times, like when I wake up at night, but then I feel like I'm hiding things even though there's nothing to hide. How do I get her to realize that she can monitor what she eats, but I don't want her to do the same for me?
It's not OK for your wife to control your food, but I'd be more concerned about the ways she's controlling her own food, especially with her history of struggling with body image. Her focus on you seems like an extension of her own self-judgment, and she might need to fix her own perspective first. Looking great doesn't mean that her mental health is on track. In fact, one of the most insidious things about disordered eating is that, to a certain degree, people are often praised for getting sicker--and you might be inadvertently participating in that cycle when you compliment her looks, even though you're trying to be supportive.
A good rule of thumb, particularly for people with body issues, is to only compliment things about their appearance that they can change in five minutes. Their long legs? Don't mention 'em. Their new hairstyle, or the rad outfit they put together? Praise away. Of course there are exceptions: if you know your friend's been working out for months with a particular goal in mind, and now they have the calves of their dreams, feel free to go ahead and comment. But the trick is to know the situation well enough to know what you're reinforcing, and right now, that doesn't seem like the case with your wife.
Your first step should be to start a conversation with her, although it's really a coin toss on whether she'll be receptive. Framing things according to your own feelings might help her to feel less defensive. "It seems like you're monitoring what both of us eat," you could say. "I don't want to get into a pattern of tracking my food, but more than that, I'm worried about you. It seems like you've been thinking about food a lot since your accident, and I know that you've gotten into bad cycles with that before. How are you doing?"
It could be that this is the opening she's been waiting for, and she'll jump right in, share her thoughts, or even ask for help. It could also be that she's not ready to face her feelings--but knowing you're open to the conversation, and to helping her through this challenge in a nonjudgmental way, might help her come to terms with them a little sooner. Ultimately, she's an adult, and you can't force her to focus on therapy, nor can you force her to eat differently--just like she can't force those behaviors on you. But you can make clear--lovingly--that her controlling comments aren't welcome to you, and that you find them disturbing, which will at least serve as a small, regular reminder to her that this isn't normal or well-adjusted behavior.
In the meantime, remember that this whole situation was triggered by an injury, which made her world smaller. It won't fix all her problems, but I'm sure it would soothe her heart and mind if you'd help her find ways to make the world bigger again. Is she getting the treatment and/or physical therapy she needs to recover from her injury? Can you help her find sports and activities that don't hurt, so that she still has positive chances to get outside and move her body? These could be small, new, daily parts of her routine, but you might also plan something more adventurous: say, a weekend trip away to go horseback riding or dogsledding, which will give her something to focus on, learn about, and look forward to. Even things as simple as a professional massage or gentle yoga class could help her reconnect with her body in ways that are built on enjoyment, rather than disappointment or betrayal. And you can remind her of the same: that she is miraculous to you--that she is kind and brave and extraordinary--not for what she can do, but for who she is.
For exclusive access to all of our fitness, gear, adventure, and travel stories, plus discounts on trips, events, and gear, sign up for Outside+ today.
