What Are ‘Thought Daughters’ and Why Are They Trending?

These overthinking girls are actually quite misunderstood.

Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah Scott

On the heels of the phenomenon known as “eldest daughter syndrome,” a new type of daughter has entered the online chat: the “thought daughter.”

She’s similar to the eldest daughter in that she is responsible, anxious, and prone to people pleasing. But where eldest daughters typically have strong personalities and a penchant for control, “thought daughters” are more introspective, intellectual in their pursuits, and devout over-thinkers.

Experts say that's not always a bad thing. There are ways for caregivers to connect with their "thought daughters" and help them thrive.

How Did the ‘Thought Daughter’ Trend Start?

So, how did “thought daughters,” who by definition don’t love the spotlight, find their viral moment? Well, it was born out of backlash when an offensive internet question resurfaced.

Street interviewers were asking: “Would you rather have a gay son or a thot daughter?” And yes, that head scratching inquiry was meant to be provocative while highlighting societal prejudices and stereotypes. The term “thot” is an acronym for “that h** over there”—and no explanation is needed about why that's offensive and derogatory to call women.

But, in a moment where the internet actually knew to do better, women on TikTok took control and spun the term on its head, turning “thot” into “thought.” With that subtle shift, suddenly “thought daughters” were sharing on TikTok, seizing the opportunity to introduce themselves.

What Does ‘Thought Daughter’ Mean?

TikTokers who consider themselves "thought daughters" explain they have constant chatter in their brains, ruminate after every situation if they were perceived favorably, and find solace with darker choices in their media consumption that makes them feel seen. Think singers Fiona Apple and Lana del Rey, authors like Sylvia Plath, and books such as Wuthering Heights.

Nicolle Pacifico, PhD, a clinical psychologist with Providence St. Joseph Heritage Medical Group specializing in pediatric behavioral health, believes that "thought daughter" is a new term for a long-standing phenomenon.

“These are the young women coming of age in a post-pandemic world often feeling misunderstood and socially isolated because people may not understand them as deeply as they would like or need,” Dr. Pacifico explains. “These girls tend to be deeply feeling, conscientious, and caring. They over-analyze every situation and may find themselves wondering whether they said something wrong, did something wrong, or their friends really like them.”

The heaviness of constantly worrying about everything you say or do sounds cumbersome and overwhelming. But to try and understand the “thought daughter” mindset, Dr. Pacifico believes Taylor Swift's lyric from “Who's Afraid of Little Old Me” sums it up: “So tell me everything is not about me. But what if it is?”

But the need to be understood is a core characteristic of “thought daughters." That's why many gravitate to books, music, poetry, and movies for fulfillment. It also helps to have people they can talk to.

“These girls have all these thoughts swirling around. They thrive when they find people in their lives who truly understand their deeply feeling selves,” Dr. Pacifico explains. “Talking to their parents, sister, or best friend can be helpful—especially if they're able to validate her emotions.”

How To Connect With a 'Thought Daughter'

The secret to connecting with “thought daughters” is giving them permission to feel without judging or criticizing.

Parents should ask questions, listen instead of lecture, and not catastrophize out of inappropriate parental protection or their own experiences or fears, suggests Don Grant, PhD, MA, MFA, DAC, SUDCC IV, National Advisor of Healthy Device Management at Newport Healthcare.

Remember, being emotional is sometimes just part of being human, but it can feel more intense for teens.

"The underdeveloped teen brain also tends to exaggerate emotion, drive uncontrollable impulsivity, and be overly and perpetually vulnerable to peer and now social media influence,” explains Dr. Grant. “Many teens also do not yet have the skills to process and regulate their emotions and experiences as quickly as a more mature and experienced brain usually can.”

Overall, Dr. Pacifico’s advice to parents who love their “thought daughters” is to get really good at actively listening and validating their emotions. And most of all, know that “thought daughters” have a gift.

“Being an over-thinker is the same quality that gives them their superpower,” explains Dr. Pacifico. “They think about other people; they think about their needs and their wants; they think about how to say things in such a way as to not be hurtful. They think so much because they care that much. And that is a gift that this world could use more of.”

"They think so much because they care that much. And that is a gift that this world could use more of."

Nicolle Pacifico, PhD

When To Worry About Your 'Thought Daughter'

It’s important for parents to understand that “thinking, analyzing, and reflecting” are not “bad” behaviors. According to Dr. Grant, “thought girl” behavior often generates fantastic ideas, maturation, healthy self-discovery, creation, and awareness. But if these traits are not historical and seem sudden, Dr. Grant cautions against blind acceptance.

“Instead, I would suggest non-judgmentally and supportively investigating what may have happened or changed to cause such a profound shift in personality and persona,” he explains. “Consider their current friend group, interests, hobbies, online engagement sources, and identify if any have significantly changed or been abandoned without apparent cause. Explore who and what they are currently reading and listening to, paying attention to any new influences.”

Do not challenge these choices, but rather look into them, with the goal of having an opportunity to maturely and intelligently discuss them.

Also, pay attention to their alone time. While that's not unique to “thought daughters” and a teen's need to be alone can increase as they seek independence, it sometimes may be concerning. Dr. Grant suggests intervening or seeking professional help when alone time becomes “unhealthy isolation," such as abandoning, rejecting, or neglecting friends, social activities and academic responsibilities, significant changes in sleep, hygiene, diet, or weight, or frequent mood swings.

It's also important to note, overthinking can be a symptom of anxiety. If your child seems to be struggling with anxiety, it's a good idea to seek professional help.

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