'This Time of Year Is PTSD for Me'—Amanda Kloots Opens Up About Her Grief Journey and How She's Healing
Kloots on keeping her husband's memory alive, healing and more.
These days, Amanda Kloots is is known for her role as co-host of CBS' The Talk, for her irresistible jump rope and dance cardio workouts, and even for her in-room workout videos at the WYNN Las Vegas. Recently, she added another job to her resume: Children's book author. Her picture book Tell Me Your Dreams was released on April 11.
Three years ago, though, the world was glued to Kloots' Instagram account as she shared daily—sometimes hourly—updates on her husband, Broadway star Nick Cordero, who was in the hospital battling COVID-19. Kloots was at home taking care of their baby son, Elvis, and her tens of thousands of followers were supporting her with their prayers and positive thoughts.
Kloots, now 41, eventually lost Cordero in July 2020. Her grief is still very fresh, and she works hard every day to keep Cordero's memory alive for Elvis. Here, Kloots shares with Parade the ins and out of her grief journey, what she hopes Tell Me Your Dreams will accomplish, and of course, her favorite workout tip.
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Why This Time of Year Is So Difficult
The anniversary of the beginning of the pandemic is a little triggering for all of us, but this is especially true for people who lost a loved one to COVID. Kloots is one of them. On March 30, 2020, Cordero went to the hospital, and that was the last time she ever spoke to him.
“This time of year is PTSD for me," she said. "It’s really crazy. I feel it coming on, and then it really hits you, because it’s impossible not to think about three years ago, or two years ago, and where we were or what we were doing. March 30 was the day I took Nick into the hospital, and that day is forever ingrained into my head. This time of year is very difficult."
Because she's able to anticipate that difficulty, Kloots works hard to get all the support she needs. "I’m back on a regular therapy schedule because I know I need extra help at this point," she said. "I’m trying to really take time for myself to rest. I [tend to] push grief away by keeping myself very busy. It’s my defense mechanism—I fill my day up hour to hour so I don’t feel pain. I’m trying to be very conscious about allowing myself to rest and meditate and make sure I’m listening to my body. If emotions come over me I allow them to happen. I really, truly believe in expressing my grief and getting it out of my body.”
She added that if you don't let yourself experience grief, "It can eat you alive. It really can."
Related: 100 Grief Quotes to Uplift and Help You Feel Less Alone
'Tell Me Your Dreams' and Keeping Cordero's Memory Alive
Because Elvis was so young when Cordero died, Kloots works hard to keep his memory alive for her son. "I’m constantly doing things with Elvis to remind him of Dad and playing Nick’s music," she said. "There are pictures of him all around the house. I’ll ask him, ‘What’s your favorite memory of Dada?’ And he’ll usually say something I’ve told him because he was too young, but we make him a part of our daily lives."
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Her decision to write Tell Me Your Dreams is part of that: In the book, a little boy goes on adventures with his dad in his dreams. The idea for the book started with a bedtime tradition Kloots had with Elvis, and it eventually evolved into a book idea. "I started creating this fantastical dream where I wasn’t involved, but Dada was, so he got to meet up with Dada in his dream and go on this really fun adventure," Kloots said.
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In addition to being a helpful narrative for Elvis, Kloots hopes it will help other parents who are having a hard time explaining loss and grief to their kids. "This book gives the opportunity to parents to incorporate people they’ve lost in their children’s lives," she said. "It’s really hard for parents to talk about death and loss to children, especially with toddlers. I started to do it with Elvis because of course he asks about Dad ... and if you’ve suffered the loss of a parent or grandparent or a friend or a brother or sister, it gives [parents] the opportunity to say, 'You know what? That person isn’t here with us on earth every day, but when you dream, you can have crazy adventures with them.'"
Tell Me Your Dreams
Related: Seth Meyers Reveals His Favorite Children's Books
Healing Through Movement
Considering her role in the fitness space, it makes sense that Kloots is a big fan of movement herself—and that she's used it quite a bit on her healing journey.
“[Exercise] is my everyday healing," she said. "I have to move my body. I’ve been a dancer my whole life—since I was 10 years old. Moving my body and expressing emotion through movement is something that’s innate. Whether it’s lifting weights or jumping rope or going to a dance class, [exercise] is my therapy, and I know I need to do that every day for myself. It can be as long as an hour-and-a-half dance class or as short as a ten-minute jump rope, but I know I have to move."
Related: Why 3 Minutes of Exercise Per Day Can Help You Live Longer
For anyone wondering how they can achieve Kloots' level of fitness—both for their physical and mental health—she had one piece of very important advice: find a type of movement you love.
"If you find a class that you love, and then that class turns into a community where you have friends and support, you start changing your schedule to go to that class, to be a part of that group," Kloots said. "I’m not a runner [so I don't run]. I love to box, so I box once a week. I love to play tennis, so I make sure I play tennis once a week. If you find something you love it doesn’t feel like a workout, it feels like a fun activity. And it’s a bonus when your body and mental health respond."
Don’t make working out a chore, Kloots cautions. "Enjoy it."
Next up: 40 Meaningful Songs About Death, Loss and Grief To Help You Cope
