Tragedy Leads Kate to Her Mother on 'This Is Us'
The middle child syndrome is apparently real, even among triplets. After a particularly crushing episode centering on Kevin’s inner demons, we turn our attention to Kate’s story with a bitter account of how being the only girl - squashed between two impressionable brothers - often pushed her along the margins. We learn how she forged a path that often alienated her from those who loved her the most, particularly her mother Rebecca, as she struggled to find her own voice. But we see all of this unfold through the framework of Kevin’s narrative last week, further illustrating how Kate’s journey often played out through whatever was happening in Kevin and Randall’s lives. In telling her story this way, did we get any closer to a character whose own insecurities have come to define who she is? Let’s discuss.
The episode opens right where Kevin’s began last week, just moments away from his Notre Dame interview. He's flouncing around the house getting ready to bomb the opportunity while Randall is somewhere fretting about his looming campus visits. Meanwhile, Kate is snapping at her mother for nagging her about creating a list of her top five colleges, per her guidance counselor’s request. They’re not due for a month, Kate says, as she cleans pee off her dog. Right away, the flashback reveals Kate’s lack of urgency about her future, giving us even more of a sense that her story - even as a teenager - was still largely unwritten. But when Rebecca approaches her about it later in her room, Kate is offended that her mother thinks she has no direction. This again establishes Kate’s relentless disdain for Rebecca. The show has made clear throughout this season how strained their relationship is, but it’s becoming more and more evident that Kate deflects her self-doubts onto her mother, who desperately wants to know her daughter better. It’s a yearning she won’t fully understand until she experiences it for herself as an adult.
So we flash forward to the present day as adult Kate prepares for the birth of her own child. She's nervous about curating a list of questions for her doctor at her next ultrasound, and she’s so anxious about making everything just right that she forgets her own rule - curbing her excitement until the baby is actually born. For a moment, she is genuinely happy, and we are happy for her because she and Toby are in a good place. It’s not until we hear her cry out in pain from the bathroom that we remember all is not right with her. That's when she and Toby realize she's miscarried. And just like that, Kate’s joy, which she fought so hard to contain, is once again diminished.
It says something that the writers were able to convincingly recreate that moment after we experienced it through Kevin’s point of view last episode. The scene between Toby and Kate in their apartment was so authentic that we suspended what we knew to be true for the hope of what once was - so much so that we are in agony right along with them. True to form, Kate internalizes her pain, ignoring a text from her mother asking about her ultrasound and heading off to a gig not 12 hours after her doctor confirms the news. Toby watches her incredulously as she walks out the door after snapping at him when he tries to offer his support.
Back in the past, teenage Kate storms away from her mother after she offers advice on how to navigate her supposed indecisiveness by “attending a liberal arts school where you can study many different things." Alone in Kate's room, Rebecca not-so-effortlessly stumbles across Kate’s application and audition tape for Berklee College of Music. Rebecca’s face lights up as she listens to Kate singing “Summertime." We see a montage of adult Kate performing at her newest gig while Toby steps back into the bathroom and relives the moment when their hope for a child left their lives.
Toby's throwing the broken curtain and rod into the dumpster when he receives a notification that their baby bath - something Kate was so excited for - is on its way to the house. For the first time, we see Toby in a panic, rushing to intercept the package before it arrives on their doorstep and completely devastates Kate. He goes so far as to drive to the distribution site and practically beg the representative to sift through their outgoing packages. Either the rep realized Toby wasn’t going to leave without this package or he felt sorry for his distressed state, because he allowed him access to the warehouse. Toby rummages through in a frenzy, giving up hope when he turns up empty and walks back to his car. Even when the rep returns with the package in tow, it doesn’t lift Toby’s spirits. He doesn’t even touch the box, instead gifting it to the rep, whose sister is expecting.
While all this is happening with Toby, Kate is having a panic attack of her own and walks offstage mid-set. Despite all her efforts, the events of the last day have finally taken their toll. As she walks alone down the street, she finds herself in front of a buffet restaurant. She sends yet another call from her mother to voicemail and, in a moment of weakness and utter despair, goes in to eat.
Thwarting the help of loved ones is nothing new to Kate, as we see her in a flashback seated in the bleachers with her mother at Kevin’s fateful game. Rebecca proudly hands Kate the remaining money for her college application, revealing that she saw it and listened to her singing on tape. Kate is enraged that he mother went through her things, though Rebecca says she could have helped her had she known - which, as Kate admits, is exactly what she didn’t want. But when Rebecca says that she has a good shot, Kate manages a stiff smile in response. It’s a subtle but important reaction that helps tear down a wall between the two.
As Kate sits down with a plate piled high with food at the no-name buffet, the words “I could have helped you” seem like a distant memory. She's pushed away everyone who cares about her, but still, she manages to walk away with her plate untouched. When she reaches her apartment, she finally answers her mother’s call, immediately asking her to remain quiet as she tells her she lost the baby. She can't bear to stay on the line to listen to her mother’s response. Instead, she calls Kevin and gets his voicemail.
Meanwhile, Toby comes home frantic and worried. He scoured the streets looking for Kate after her bandmate revealed she left the performance. As he relays his fear to her, he becomes more exasperated, but Kate reacts the only way she knows how. She snaps, saying, “This happened to me.” It’s a sentence clearly coated in pain, but to Toby, it’s a lash that deeply, and justifiably, offends him. Toby’s natural zeal has been eclipsed by an insurmountable loss he is unable to mask. He tells Kate he will support her in every way possible, but he will not act like this pain is hers alone. “It happened to me too,” he says, “and it hurt.”
As the episode weaves in and out of time periods, we see Kate slowly start to open up about what has become an ongoing theme throughout this season: her fear of disappointment. In a flashback of Kate and Rebecca at the hospital as Kevin’s fate is decided, Kate finally apologizes to her mother for not telling her about applying to Berklee. She says, “If I don’t get in, I think it would crush me. But I don’t think I can take disappointing you on top of that.” Rebecca tells her she would be more disappointed for Kate, and Kate says, “Sometimes it’s hard to feel the difference." Kate has a habit of hurting people who love her as a way to deflect from her own pain. You know who is also like this? Kevin.
Rebecca, who’s sadly used to Kate lashing out at her, internalizes her comment. She acknowledges she doesn't have the close, open relationship with Kate that she always hoped for - particularly after being raised by her own distant mother - but promises she will continue reaching out to Kate. She hopes one day Kate will fall into her mother's arms - when she’s ready. But she will love her whether or not she does.
Oh how you break us, This Is Us. In the next scene, Rebecca visits adult Kate, who is distraught over how she left things with Toby. What does Kate do? Fall into her mother's arms in tears. Kate and Rebecca are finally able to connect for the first time, even though it's over a shared pain. Kate asks her mother how she could possibly feel so sad for a child she didn’t even know. Rebecca responds with her own story of mourning the death of baby Kyle and not feeling like she could talk about it with her loved ones, including Jack. This heartbreaking moment is interrupted when Kate says, “A little too much with Randall, though,” referring to her mother's attention to her brother. Though Kate is joking, there have been multiple times throughout this season that both Kevin and Kate have felt slighted by Rebecca’s overwhelming attention toward Randall. This will likely unfold in an interesting way as we make our way to Randall’s story next week.
But before we get there, we see Toby come home. Rebecca steps out for coffee, leaving Toby and Kate to reunite. Kate doesn’t take this time for long apologies or heartfelt monologues. Rather, she tells Toby that she feels she disappointed him (he quickly says that she didn’t) and pulls him close to her. Then she says that she wants to try to get pregnant again - when she’s ready. It’s the sincere moment they need on their way back to normal.
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