Trail Sex! Hangovers! Illegal Racing! The True Confessions of Everyday Cyclists
3 Tips to Make Flat-Fixing Easier
1. You’ll need two sturdy levers with a wide, thin “spoon” (the portion you slip under the bead) and a solid hook for the spokes. We like Pedro’s ($5 per pair).
2. Remove one side of tire from rim by placing levers six inches apart and prying bead over edge of rim. Hook one lever to a spoke and run other around loosened bead to completely pop it off rim. Drop other bead to center of rim channel.
3. To reinstall: Insert slightly inflated tube. Start at valve and work loose bead back over sidewall of rim with your fingers, in both directions away from valve.
Once you get 10 to 14 inches of bead on, push valve up and into tire, then pop last few inches of tire back onto rim. -Mike Yozell, former pro mechanic
5 Tips for Riding Through a Hangover
1. Eat a mix of complex and simple carbs (like whole wheat toast with jam) to help bring your blood sugar back up to pre-alcohol levels.
2. Rehydrate with a full bottle (or two) of water before you ride, and drink extra water with electrolytes throughout.
3. Wear your darkest sunglasses and rock a stylish cycling cap so you don’t feel like sunlight is burning your skull.
4. Keep your pace easy and cadence high for 10 to 15 minutes to help flush out metabolic waste and any concrete-leg feeling, since alcohol can slow recovery.
5. Skip the intervals. Your body is working hard enough just to recover, and intense efforts could compromise your immune system. -Molly Hurford, contributing writer
Source: Michael Ross, MD, director of the Rothman Institute’s Performance Lab in Philadelphia.
“I have zero interest in the Tour de France.” -Jennifer Sherry, managing editor
“I raced illegally. A friend crashed and broke his elbow before the Leadville 100 one year. There were no refunds or transfers, but he gave me his entry. So, coming from sea level, with minimal fitness, I lined up as Expert class racer Paul Dopp. It went about as you'd expect.” -Joe Lindsey, contributing writer
“I’ve been racing for 22 years, and I still have stress dreams where the race is about to begin and I can’t find my bike anywhere. When I finally find it, it either has no wheels or square wheels (not kidding), or it’s in pieces. Before. Every. Damn. Race.”-Selene Yeager, The Fit Chick
5 Signs It’s Time to Clean Your Bike
1. The chain (or drivetrain) is caked in grime.
2. You hear loud or “crunchy” noises when you shift or pedal.
3. The brakes squeal or howl (and not from being wet).
4. The shifting is slow or requires excessive force at the lever. (Often this is caused by spilled drink mix or other filth coating the bottom bracket area where the cables pass.)
5. You can’t stand looking at it anymore. -M.Y.
“I avoid trails in entire regions of the country–especially the Southeast, in summer–because of my fear of snakes.” -D.S.
“I lied to my mechanic about having absolutely no idea why the ceramic pistons on my front disc-brake caliper were cracked. I know damn well they cracked because I desperately tried to reset them using a metal object. I rationalized it by blaming him for them not being set up right in the first place.” -Jesse Southerland, creative director
“I eyeball my cleat placement and only change it when my knees start to hurt.” -L.T.
“When people start talking about cycling’s past, I feel like I know nothing about cycling. Then I remember it doesn’t matter: I ride bikes to have fun, exercise, and see places with good friends.” -Colin McSherry, senior art director
Shifting Down or Up, High or Low – What’s the Deal?
Shifting up means you move the chain to a cog or chainring with a higher resistance. Try not to think about the cassette or the direction the chain is actually moving. That just makes it confusing. Instead, we like the following tricks:
1. “H” is for “higher” and “harder” gear
2. You shift “up” to a higher gear
3. High = fly, low = slow
4. Think of a car’s shifting system: first gear (the lowest) makes it easier to climb hills
“I can’t ride a road bike with hairy legs or a positive-rive stem.” -M.P.
“I once accidentally peed on my bib straps right before the start of a ride… and had to put them back on.” -Gloria Liu, editor-at-large
“I live and die by what the Race Predictor website says. Before I sign up for a race I look up my estimated placement based on the pre-registered riders. Then I click on each person’s profile and stalk their entire bike racing career.” -Eispeth Huyett, former social media editor
Is It Actually Bad to Turn Your Bike Upside Down?
There’s no immediate harm in it unless you have a GPS device on your handlebar that might get scratched. But here’s why I don’t personally do it: The bike may topple over and damage the derailleur hanger if it falls to that side. Or, leaking water bottles could dump a sugary mix all over your bike. I say it’s better to lay the bike on its nondrive side after removing your wheel. No need to compound what can already be a frustrating fix. -M.Y.
“I have shown up to group rides without tools and tubes, hoping someone else brought supplies.” -D.S.
“I never wear a helmet when I ride in my regular clothes.” -Jennifer S.
“I can’t blow a snot rocket.” -C.M.
“Once a driver flicked a lit cigarette out the window and it landed near where I was stopped at a light. I reached down and grabbed it. Then I tossed it back into his open-top convertible, right on the leather seat, with the words, 'Hey, you dropped this.' He was not pleased.” -J.L.
Reader Confessions
“I used to ride by my son’s house on nearly every bike ride. Now he has moved, but I still ride by because I miss him and his family so much. I hope the new family doesn’t think I’m creepy." -LeeAnn G., Spokane, Washington
“I stand on my tip toes in the grocery store checkout line–not to work my calves, but so others can see them!” -James R., Gifford, Pennsylvania
“I often ride just so I can stop halfway for lunch.” -Dave N., Brookfield, Wisconsin
“On my first big group ride 15 years ago, I could see right away that I would never be able to keep up with the speedsters in our bicycling club. So I took a 10-mile shortcut, stopped for a donut, and waited for the group to roll by. Then I snuck in the back of the pack and happily finished the ride.” -Keley S., Yankton, South Dakota
“I’ve fallen over many times while clipped in.” -Greg H., Austin, Texas
*in November 2017, more than 1,000 readers spilled their secrets in our online survey on cycling confessions
10 Convo Starters
Do this ride often? Where’s the sprint?
How do you like that bike?
What’s your bike’s name?
What’s the most epic ride you’ve ever done?
What’s the funniest thing you’ve been yelled at by a driver?
If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
What’s your sign/Myers-Briggs personality type?
Show me your best trick.
Got any jokes?
What’s your go-to convo starter?
“I was about to cross the finish line for the win in a crit, but hesitated for a half-second because I didn’t know how to ride with no hands and I wasn’t sure how to celebrate. I got nabbed at the line. I was so mad.” -Riley Missel, assistant features editor
“I ran a guy into a tree on purpose in a mountain bike race, because he was being a danger to myself and other racers. Coincidentally, I sold him a bike a few weeks later at a shop where I worked. Luckily, he didn’t recognize me. I was too ashamed to say anything, as we were both very much wrong in our actions.” -Jo?l Nankman, mechanic
“When I first started riding bikes, I didn’t know you shouldn’t wear underwear under your shorts, so there I was in my tighty-whities and a chamois wondering why I was so damn uncomfortable.” -J.L.
“I crashed on a cold winter ride because I was trying to stuff my gloves down the front of my bibshorts to help warm a certain body part that I definitely didn’t want to get frostbite. I told the nice family that drove me home that I hit a walnut in the road-then got myself bibs with a windproof front panel soon after." -Jesse S.
Is there a difference between men’s and women’s shorts?
It’s mostly subtle stuff (so my mistake was understandable!). “The needs of the rider are often very similar,” notes Maria Olsson, Rapha’s head designer. Where designs differ, it’s due to anatomy (like the chamois pad) or aesthetics. While brands take varying approaches, here are some general differences. -J.L.
Bibs
M: Wide straps, fit straight up and down
W: Contoured to fit bust, may have mesh panel to work with sports bra, and/or be detachable for easy bathroom breaks
Chamois pad
M: Rises higher in front, with longitudinal channels for perineum
W: Shorter front-to-back, more uniform surface in center (no channeling) to reduce irritation
Seams
M: Typically straighter lines
W: May be slightly curved to accommodate the hips
Inseam length
M: Low on quad, almost to knee
W: Typically higher, around mid-thigh
Leg grippers
M: Snug to hold shorts and warmers in place
W: More forgiving, to minimize "sausage leg"
Sources: Brad Sheehan, cofounder of Velocio; Steve Smith, brand manager at Castelli, Maria Olsson, head designer at Rapha
The Ultimate Confession
“Sometimes, I don’t want to ride. On rainy and cold days, of course I would rather sit in my comfy red lounge chair, drink coffee, and read the New Yorker while watching my kids do puzzles and play Hungry Hungry Hippos. Also (less frequently, but still) on bright sunny days when I’m supposed to meet friends who have been planning a particular ride for days or weeks, I will sometimes pass. On those days, I might play kung-fu with my kids, watch football, or, weirdly, mow the grass. This doesn’t happen often, but it has happened enough that friends and colleagues coined a term for it: Mazzan-out.
Is unwavering allegiance to the ride required to call oneself a rider? Must each violation be paid for with cyclist cred? It sure feels that way when thumbing through the fire hose of stoke pouring from my Insta feed. But I don’t feel much need for penitent reflection. I can chill today and ride tomorrow. Balance, right? It’s okay to embrace the joy of missing a ride. I see your #FOMO and raise you a little #JOMO." -Louis Mazzante, test director
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