Vigil, episode 5, review: laughable submarine drama is truly plumbing the depths

Last week’s Vigil (BBC One) was a stirring romance. This week: pure comedy. Where to start? The sight of Suranne Jones and Shaun Evans in diving drysuits, searching for a killer device in a big tin of oranges? The loving shots of DI Longacre’s Renault Megane? DCI Silva turning out to be an authority on sarin? The boat’s doctor telling the coxswain that he might have been fatally contaminated, then giving him a kiss?

Paterson Joseph, God love him, has done his level best to take this thing seriously. As the boat’s commander, he delivered all his lines with a straight face. “We should assume this is a nation state attack,” he said gravely. “Our enemy has succeeded in knocking out Britain’s nuclear deterrent. Our job is to fight back and restore it - I want your ideas.”

The following brainstorm session took precisely one minute. Lt Hadlow (Connor Swindells) used some “rudimentary chemistry” to come up with a plan involving bleach and those plastic spray bottles you use to mist the plants. “Do it. Thank you, everyone,” said Commander Newsome. Really? That’s it? I spend longer than that deciding what pants to wear in the morning.

Silva and the coxswain duly donned their drysuits and went into the contaminated galley. This drama has always been low on lighting - the former commander of HMS Dreadnought said recently that subs are actually very well-lit - but now we were plunged into darkness, with the pair appearing as disembodied heads. Silva got the sarin-spreading device, put it in a plastic bag, then just slung it on the floor when she came out. This was no time for health and safety.

While all this was going on, Longacre (Rose Leslie) was busily investigating on dry land. It involved the politician and a man from the peace camp - I trust you were following all this. But Longacre still found time for a nice bubble bath. Even the hard-working ex-partners of detectives in imminent danger of nuclear annihilation deserve a little “me time”.

And then the big reveal of the baddie. It was… a lowly character that you haven’t paid much attention to for the past five episodes. Maybe that explains why they’ve been marketing this as the new Line of Duty.