'Vulva' versus 'vagina': What should we be teaching kids?

Experts agree that it's important to teach kids the anatomical terms for their genitalia for a number of reasons, including reducing shame around bodies and giving them the tools to communicate to a trusted adult if and when someone has touched them inappropriately. But there's some disagreement about whether to use the word "vulva" or "vagina" when describing female body parts.

But aren't they the same thing?, you may be wondering. The answer is no. As Dr. Lauren Streicher, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine, told Yahoo Life last year, "The vagina is completely internal. Anything you see is the vulva." But, she added, people still often say "vagina" when they mean "vulva," because "little girls aren't taught the proper terminology, and no one uses it."

“Parents are right to be confused about the right terminology here,” says Dr. Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual medicine specialist. “But when we don’t have language for something, problems can happen." If a child has pain in a specific area — or has been touched inappropriately — they should feel safe and empowered to express that clearly.

So which term is most appropriate? Here's what parents should know — and why it's important to be clear with kids.

Which part are you talking about?

Let’s get specific. “There are situations when using the word ‘vagina’ would make sense; for example, if you are referring to the vagina itself — the vaginal canal, the internal part of the genitalia — then it makes sense to say ‘vagina,’” says Suzannah Weiss, a sexologist at BedBible. Along those lines, she urges not using the term "vagina" when discussing the vulva, or external genitalia, more generally.

But Rubin points out that using "vulva" to describe all external female genitalia may not be "specific enough," as she recently noted in an Instagram reel expressing her disapproval of using "vulva" as a catch-all term. "It would be like calling the penis 'the scrotum' or 'testicles,'" she says. "There’s a labia majora, a labia minora, a clitoris and a vulvar vestibule that can all have different issues surrounding them.”

After all, this is how other areas of the body are treated. “When you have face pain, you don’t just say, ‘my face hurts’ — you get more detailed,” Rubin adds. “There are doctors for each individual part of the face. You go to the dentist for your teeth and the ophthalmologist for your eyes.”

Why it's important to use clear, accurate terminology

Differentiating each part can also be meaningful and helpful in a developmental sense. “Using correct names for body parts prevents confusion and helps kids feel empowered about their bodies,” says Traci Williams, a psychologist who specializes in child development and family relationships.

She acknowledges that the conversation can be uncomfortable, but still emphasizes the importance of having it. “Using nicknames like ‘pecker’ and ‘pocketbook’ suggests there is something shameful about their body and can be confusing to children," Williams says.

Those “cutesy” nicknames for genitalia can be especially harmful when it comes to childhood sexual abuse prevention and response. “I have also worked with kids who struggled with describing the abuse they experienced because they didn’t know the correct names of body part,” Williams shares.

Additionally, correct education around terminology can prevent innocent adults from potentially getting into trouble. Williams saw this scenario play out when she worked at a child advocacy clinic. She heard about a child who told his teacher that his dad “put his pee-pee on my pee-pee.” The teacher reported it.

It was soon made clear that no abuse had occurred, however. “Through forensic interviewing and anatomically correct dolls, and discussions with the father, it was discovered that dad used the bathroom after the child and had not flushed between their uses,” Williams recounts. If proper terminology had been used, she says, the investigation could have been prevented.

Don’t forget about the clitoris

As kids get older, they may be in situations where they're of age and want to engage in sexual activity. With that in mind, Weiss believes in the importance of teaching them about the clitoris rather than pretending it doesn’t exist. This is important from two standpoints: Calling each part what it is (rather than just saying it’s all the vagina or all the vulva) and encouraging sex positivity.

Otherwise, Weiss says not discussing it “sets women up for sexual encounters where they will not be receiving clitoral stimulation and won’t know how to ask for it, and where they think their vagina is the main part that’s involved in sexual encounters when really most women don’t reliably orgasm through penetration alone.” These conversations shouldn't be limited to female children, either.

Now what? How to have the conversation.

The thought of saying words like “vagina,” “vulva” and “clitoris” (and especially talking about their purposes) with a child may feel overwhelming or nerve-wracking, and parents may worry they don’t know where to start. That’s valid — but rest assured, the conversation doesn’t have to be complicated.

Williams believes it can be as simple as saying, “This is your vulva and it is a private part of your body.” Or, “Your vagina is inside your body where we can’t see, just like other body parts, like your heart and stomach.” Generally speaking, Rubin says her best advice is to “use real words and real body parts, the same way you would for the different parts of the face.”

Don’t forget to talk about consent and body autonomy (in an age-appropriate way) too. Williams recommends reminding children that those body parts are private and shouldn’t be touched by others. “Conversations like these boost kids’ vocabulary, self-esteem, confidence and body image,” she adds.

Further, as a parent, it’s important to remember that genitalia discussions aren’t a one-and-done thing. This is partially because of how kids develop. Williams says kids begin pointing to and naming body parts between 1 and 2 years of age, but don’t ask questions about bodily functions until they're around 3 years old.

Additionally, they need repetition to truly learn. “Parents should remind their young children of body part names and body rules regularly,” Williams says. “Use bath time to name body parts and describe what they do.”

Picture books can also help explain things on a kid-friendly level. Williams suggests Who Has What?: All About Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies by Robie H. Harris and Amazing You!: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz.

The takeaway

“Vulva” and “vagina” are both important terms to use — depending on which one you’re referring to. Clarity and accuracy are crucial in keeping kids healthy and safe, as well as helping them feel empowered in their bodies and their understanding of them.

“Teach your children about body parts so that way, if they have questions, they know they can come to you without shame and guilt and be taken seriously, and they can be properly educated,” Rubin says. “If you yourself don’t know all the answers, it’s OK to read about it, learn together and ask questions.”