Want to Be Fierce? 10 Lessons From Shonda Rhimes
Television writer and producer Shonda Rhimes. (Photo: James White).
Award-winning television writer and producer, mom of three, reigning queen of TV, and total badass, that’s Shonda Rhimes. After all, this is a woman who owns Thursday-night television with not one but three groundbreaking hit shows on the air: Grey’s Anatomy, How to Get Away With Murder, and Scandal. But Rhimes wasn’t always a fierce woman. Just a few years ago, she was shy, awkward in new situations, overwhelmed by attention, and paying a publicist to turn down interview requests. She had gained so much weight, she was uncomfortable in her own body. Despite all the accolades, Rhimes admits she was miserable. “Whatever that spark is that makes each one of us alive and unique … mine had gone. Stolen like the paintings on the wall,” Rhimes writes in her new book, Year of Yes. “The flickering flame responsible for lighting me up from the inside, making me glow, keeping me warm … my candle had been blown out. I was shut down. I was tired. I was afraid. Small. Quiet.”
Rhimes is snapped out of her funk when her older sister noted that she never says yes to anything. The words stung, and Rhimes decides to take on an experiment in saying yes. She sends a text to a friend that reads: “Am going to say yes to anything and everything that scares me for a whole year. Or until I get scared to death and you have to bury me.” Her friend’s response? “Holy crap.” The yes experiment is an incredible one, with Rhimes losing 127 pounds and a few bad friends and gaining an incredible amount of confidence and joy. But beyond the advice to say yes more, there are some key life lessons in Year of Yes. With her candid, peppy, cheerleading text, it’s impossible to not feel like you want to kick ass, say yes (and be strong in your noes), and forge your own unique path. Here are Rhimes’s 10 best life lessons from the woman who made badassery a word.
Television writer and producer Shonda Rhimes’s new book, Year of Yes. (Photo: Simon & Schuster)
When you have help, let people know (don’t pretend to be perfect): Rhimes writes that she is often asked what the secret is to balancing work and motherhood. She devotes an entire chapter in the Year of Yes to unveiling the secret — and it’s not what you expect. For Rhimes, the glue that holds everything together is a really amazing babysitter named Jenny McCarthy. “There is one answer to all of those reporters’ Big Questions. I just didn’t want to say it. Because no one else ever said it,” admits Rhimes. “I’ve read a lot of books written by and about working women, and I’m struck by the fact that no one ever seems to want to talk about having help at home. Jenny McCarthy is my family’s nanny. And I’m proud to say so out loud to anyone who asks. I am proud to say that I do not do this alone.” Admitting that at times she was more comfortable on a soundstage than on a swing set, Rhimes credits her babysitter for not only keeping everything running but also helping teach her how to parent.
To be successful, you need to work at it: Rhimes talks a lot about the amount of work she puts into everything she’s proud of — motherhood, work, and friendship. The idea that people who are successful are simply lucky is an idea she takes issue with. “Lucky implies that I was handed something I did not earn, that I did not work hard for,” Rhimes writes. “Gentle reader, may you never be lucky. I am not lucky. You know what I am? I am smart, I am talented. I take advantage of the opportunities that come my way and I work really, really hard. Don’t call me lucky. Call me a badass.”
Strive for badassery: She created the word badassery (and added it to the dictionary on her computer). The concept involves knowing, accepting, and celebrating your gifts, living life with swagger, and not caring what anyone thinks about you. It’s a state of mind she worked to achieve after spending too many years feeling uncomfortable with being powerful and successful. “I strive for badassery. Men do it all the time. Take the compliment and run. They don’t make themselves smaller. They don’t apologize for being powerful. They don’t downplay their accomplishments. Badassery is a new level of confidence in both yourself and those around you.”
Embrace the word no: The year of yes involved a lot of noes. It was really yes to new, positive situations and no to toxic friendships and relationships she wasn’t embracing. When a friend asks her for a large amount of money, Rhimes practices saying no. It’s not a skill that comes easily, so she tries different ways of saying it: “I’m going to be unable to do that. That does not work for me. No.” When the moment comes, her friend rants and insults her for refusing to give her money. Rhimes realizes that at a different point in her life, she would have given in. But she doesn’t. And when she gets off the phone, she literally dances. “I did not lose a friend. I gained a second superpower.”
Drop everything when your kids want to play with you: The downside to all the yes was a lot of leaving the house. A pivotal moment came when she was dressed up in Carolina Herrera for an event, her youngest asked her if she wanted to play. She realized if she said no, she would be missing everything. “Wanna play? From now on the answer is always yes. I drop whatever I’m doing and I go to my children and I play. It’s a rule. No, I’ve made it more than a rule. I’ve made it law. Canon. Text. It’s a religion.” But lest you think it is easy for her to do that, because she’s her own boss, she’s quick to point out that it’s usually 15 minutes, and then the kids move on to something else. Ever the cheerleader, Rhimes encourages readers to follow the same rule. “Uninterrupted is the key. No cell phone. No laundry. No dinner, no anything. You have a busy life. You have to get dinner on the table. You have to make sure they get homework done. You have to force them to bathe. But you can do 15 minutes.”
Do not answer work emails after 7 p.m.: For her sanity, and the importance of not missing time with her family, Rhimes instituted a ban on work emails at night. To let everyone know about her new rule, she put it in her email signature. Please note: I will not engage in work emails after 7 p.m. or on weekends. IF I AM YOUR BOSS, MAY I SUGGEST YOU PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE.” Like Sheryl Sandberg, Rhimes is another very successful working mother who makes a point of leaving the office to have dinner with her children. Most nights she tries to be home at 6. She reveals that if there is an issue with work, she’s available (briefly) after 8, but the hours of 6 to 8 are about being present with her children.
Make weekends about fun and family: Rhimes spent countless weekends working around the clock, only to find that it took too much of a toll. In a culture where we are all expected to work 24/7, it’s inspiring to see someone who loves their work admitting that putting it down is important too. “I make it a rule I will not work on Saturday or Sunday unless it’s an emergency and unless the show is filming,” Rhimes writes. “I have been guilty of working far too many weekends in order to ‘get ahead.’ There’s no such thing. The work is always there in the morning.”
Don’t try to be someone else: Public speaking was on Rhimes’s list of terrifying things to avoid. But when she was asked to speak at Dartmouth’s commencement, she was in the beginning of her year of yes and had to do it. She struggled with her speech, writing one version that felt superficial. So she tore it up and started from scratch, revealing a lot about herself in the process. One of the most interesting nuggets is Rhimes’s advice to not try to be the next anybody. “I did not dream of being a TV writer … you know what I wanted to be? I wanted to be Nobel Prize-winning author Toni Morrison,” Rhimes reveals in her graduation speech. “Years later I had dinner with Toni Morrison. All she wanted to talk about was Grey’s Anatomy. That never would have happened if I hadn’t stopped dreaming of becoming her and gotten busy becoming myself.”
To achieve your goals (including shedding pounds), just do it: Another great piece of wisdom from her Dartmouth speech is her approach to goals, to be a doer, not a dreamer. “Perfect is boring and dreams are not real. Just … DO. You think, I wish I could travel — you sell your crappy car and buy a ticket and go to Bangkok right now. I’m serious.” It was the same approach Rhimes used to lose weight. While it took her a while to get motivated, once she did, she went after the goal with unrelenting determination and a few rules. For starters, she went to her doctor and got their advice and stuck with it. She also consumed 64 ounces of water a day, found an exercise she loved (Pilates partly because you can do it while lying down), and had no restrictions when it came to food except to eat small portions. It worked — she lost more than 100 pounds in a year.
Don’t want to get married? You don’t have to: Rhimes has always shined with writing characters that make choices that aren’t expected. For Rhimes, realizing in her mid-40s that she really didn’t want to get married, despite having a great man, was life-changing. She had always danced around the issue, not wanting to say out loud that she didn’t want what most people seemed to. “I have always known that I wanted to be a mother. … I assume some people feel that way about marriage. I think they do. I don’t. Never have.” For her, writing is her true love. “The amazing guy was right there. The happy was right there. And I didn’t want it.” Her mantra is simple — write your own story. “You don’t want a baby? Don’t have one. I don’t want to get married. I won’t. … Don’t apologize. Don’t explain. … No fairy tales. Be your own narrator.”
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