Want to Win People Over? Discover Proven Persuasion Techniques
Whether you’re trying to disarm an argumentative relative at Thanksgiving dinner or convince a rebellious teenager to (finally!) listen to you, persuading others to see your point of view can be equal parts frustrating and futile. Or, at least, it’s easy to believe that. To the rescue: Experts share simple communication strategies for handling difficult conversations, defusing arguments and winning people over in every aspect of your life.
Charm and persuasion: keys to effective communication
Your most powerful tool of persuasion? Your personality! Keep reading for ways to get people to see your point of view, easily and empathetically.
Tap your natural warmth
Simply harnessing your charm and friendliness is nine-tenths of the battle when it comes to persuading someone. “An affable request requires that you remember something specific about the other person,” says communication and body language expert Patti Wood, author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charisma.
“If you’d like someone you volunteer with to make brownies for a fundraiser, for example, you might say, ‘This is going to be an exciting event and everyone loves your delicious brownies. Would you mind making your famous recipe again?’” In short, opening with a compliment and making a specific request are fundamental to successful persuasion.
Speak their language
It’s a rule as old as time, or at least as long as humans have been around: We’re more likely to agree with and say “yes” to people who are like us, notes body language and communication expert Traci Brown, author of Persuasion Point: Body Language and Speech for Influence. That’s why trying to match the way people talk—their word choice and idioms—will help you build an instant rapport.
One speech pattern to focus on? The adjectives they use when they’re excited. “If they say something is ‘amazing,’ for example, you might pick up on that and use it yourself when you talk to them,” says Brown. She adds that to be most effective, you should try to use the same language, rather than mere synonyms. “‘Awesome’ may convey a similar meaning, for instance, but it’s not quite the same as ‘amazing,’” and simply mirroring their lexicon makes a big difference when it comes to connecting with people.
Wield a ‘hidden’ command
If you’ve tried to get little ones (or, gasp, teenagers!) to do pretty much anything they don’t want to do, you know it’s an uphill battle. That’s why Brown recommends what she calls an “embedded command,” one that’s a bit, well, sneaky.
“An exasperated mother of twin 8-year-olds just emailed me to say how effective this is,” she says. “The key is to start with the phrase, ‘I’d like you to notice,’ and tack your command onto it: ‘I’d like you to notice how easy it is to clean your room now.’” This makes the task sound simple and, dare we say, fun.
Defuse difficult people
You’ve been to enough family get-togethers to know that facts don’t typically persuade people to see your point of view. In fact, a pretty keen observer of human nature (Aristotle!) said just that thousands of years ago, reveals persuasion expert Jay Heinrichs author of Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion.
The next time you find yourself in a contentious situation, rather than try to assert your side, get curious instead. “When someone is being aggressive, I have this technique called ‘aggressive listening’” he says. “Show deep interest by asking a few questions, like ‘Can you tell me more? Where did you find this information? From the news or the internet?’”
Heinrichs adds that you might consider ending the conversation on a lighter note by saying, “Nice try, but you haven’t convinced me yet!” Turns out, when someone has to answer questions about their own point of view, they’re more likely to question it and may even come around to your side—eventually.
Sprinkle ‘agreement breadcrumbs’
An incredibly powerful way to convince someone, is to ask them to agree to each successive point you’re making as you go along, says Wood. “In other words, you might say, ‘I’d like to meet to discuss X. Does that sound good to you? I think Y day gives us all enough time. Does that day work for you?” The rationale behind sprinkling your request with breadcrumbs of agreement: “When people agree with you on one point, they’re much more likely to agree with you on several points in the future,” says Wood.
Ensure great customer service
“Just being nice and patient with a customer service rep is everything,” assures behavioral scientist Susan M. Weinschenk, PhD, author of How to Get People to Do Stuff. It's also important to have a specific solution in mind. “Be clear, by using phrases like, ‘How about a refund?’ or ‘Is it possible to…’ she advises. “The other day, I needed to return a package, but it would cost $6, so I asked if I could drop it off locally for free instead. Sharing a resolution makes all the difference.”
Start with a kind offer
When negotiating, first pinpoint what you’re willing to offer, says Wood. “I had my deck painted last summer, for example, and I told the handyman, ‘I’m not in a hurry; you can do this whenever you have a free date. And when you’re done, I’ll write a great review on our neighborhood Facebook page.'” The result? “I got $100 off! Leading with what you’ll give builds trust.”
And when it comes to persuading family? Appeal to their “self-story,” encourages behavioral scientist Weinschenk. “For example, you might tell your husband,‘I know you like having a nice flower bed—could you clear out the weeds?'”
Or, if you’re trying to convince teenagers, you might appeal to how much they value a sense of control, by saying something like, ‘Whenever it makes sense for you to do your laundry is fine by me,'” Weinschenk says. “People want to do things that are consistent with how they see themselves.”
Say the magic word
Whether you’d like someone to do the dishes or give you a ride to the airport, saying “because” after your request makes others more likely to say yes, says Weinschenk. “In one study, people asked folks waiting in line to make Xerox copies if they could skip ahead. They got almost the same number of “yeses” when they said, ‘Can I make copies because I’m late to a meeting?’ as when they said, ‘Can I make copies because I need to make copies?'” The bottom line: We’re programmed to believe what follows “because” is valid, even if it doesn’t make that much sense!
Follow the ‘law of consistency’
Perhaps the most important principle of persuasion is that people have a deep-seated need to act in accordance with their values. “We want to perform or behave in a manner consistent with how people see us,” says Wood, explaining that this truism is called the law of consistency for this very reason.
“If you know that someone prides themselves on their work ethic, for example, you might preface your request by saying, ‘You’re the kind of person who always follows through…’ Or ‘You’ve always impressed me with your ability to do Y.’” In the end, just employing what you intuitively know about human nature will help you persuade (almost) anyone.
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