Warning signs for parents around inappropriate behavior from teachers, coaches, daycare professionals
Once you become a parent, every priority you once had shifts toward your child. That’s why fathers become overprotective and mothers often adopt a “mama bear” mentality, understanding their most precious asset depends on them deeply. But sometimes your kid could be suffering at the hands of another person without your knowledge. Warning signs and reactions from children vary depending on age, personality and a slew of other factors, making it difficult to fully notice if your little one is being mistreated by a coach, a teacher, a relative or even, another parent.
However, having open, candid and vulnerable conversations can make a huge difference, though it’ll likely feel uncomfortable at first. Clinical psychologist Jessica Nicolosi, Psy.D. explains talking to children about the behaviors of others can feel messy, since you don’t want to frighten or confuse them. Even so, it is critical to start by teaching children what is appropriate and what isn’t with their own bodies, their personal space and how to respect that in others, Nicolosi says. And most importantly: that if they ever feel threatened, scared or jeopardize, you’re here to listen and help. “Letting your children know that they can come to you with anything, and that you will support them and have their back—and then following through,” Nicolosi adds.
If you’re concerned about recent shifts in your child’s reactions or wellbeing, experts identify the key signs something may be going on:
Warning Signs in a Teacher
Teachers are renowned for being selfless, underpaid professionals. That’s why it’s disheartening to hear of cases when a teacher steps outside of accepted boundaries, and perhaps, interacts in an inappropriate way with their students. Child and adolescent psychiatrist and author Gayani DeSilva, MD, explains even displaying favoritism or promising special treats can be dangerous signs. “Teachers should be treating every child with respect and friendliness,” she explains. “Parents may want to volunteer in the classroom and see how teachers behave with all children. The teacher should be consistent with everyone. If the parent notices differences, consider it a warning sign.”
If abuse has already happened, licensed mental health counselor Heiddi Zalamar explains your child might not want to return to school, or expresses a great disdain for their teacher. In younger children, she notes they may feel sick or have frequent accidents. In older cases, you might notice a teacher always wants to spend one-on-one time with your child. “If this is happening, parents can request to meet with the school counselor, nurse or principal regarding concerns. School staff are mandated reporters and are required to report suspicious behavior,” she recommends.
Warning Signs in a Coach
Every child needs to remain active to be in their best shape and health, and for most, this means after school sports and activities. Whether it’s soccer practice, ballet lessons, track meet-ups or soft- or baseball, participating in exercise from a young age usually creates an appetite for fitness for life. The coaches who lead these practices or games are meant to challenge and push your child, not make them ever feel uncomfortable.
If something questionable is happening, DeSilva shares your kid likely won’t want to continue the activity, or they will make statements about their coach. It’s important to really pay attention when this happens so you can understand the backstory. “Ask what’s changed for them. Ask in a gentle way. Hold back on your anxiety to learn every detail,” she recommends. “Support your child’s desire to pull back, and know they will eventually tell you the details, if they know that you care more about their experience than their position on the team.”
Warning Signs in a Friend or Relative
Whether it is their best buddy from the playground or your sister who always hangs around, these types of relationships are meant to be smothered in trust. As the support system everyone needs, from kindergarten to the nursing home, teaching your child about the value of friendship is essential. But so is creating an environment where sharing experiences about this type of dynamic is welcomed, according to DeSilva. When you speak freely about what it means to be a good friend — and what it doesn’t — your child will feel empowered to follow your lead. Some warning signs that abuse might be present is your child turning away from a particular person, or even hiding, according to Zalamar.
If you feel as if something is wrong or happening, she suggests inquiring. “Ask your child why they don’t want to be friends anymore. What changed for your child? You can also speak with the parent of that friend to make them aware of the situation,” she adds. In terms of a relative situation, consider talking to other family members to asset what might have happened in the past, or could be happening now, too.
Warning Signs in the Other Parent
Considering the divorce rate in the United States continues to remain at or around 50 percent, it is commonplace to split time between two parents. While abuse can happen in families that are split up, it can also be present in seemingly-happy households where mom and dad are still together. As DeSilva explains, any changes in your child’s demeanor about visiting or spending time with the other parents may indicate some conflict.
Parental abuse can be more difficult to detect, since it isn’t human nature to first consider your former partner capable of inflicting harm to your child. If emotions are heightened between the two parents, it make it even tricker. “Try to not jump to conclusions, because it is easy to project one’s own negative feelings about the other parent onto one’s child,” DeSilva says.
When you’re once eager son or daughter wanted to spend time with their mom or dad, and now suddenly they don’t or they seem scared to go, Zalamar says it’s worth raising an eyebrow. Some more obvious signs are visible bruising in areas where kiddos don’t typically have marks from the playground — like the cheek, chest, neck or thigh. Younger children might also have nightmares, wet the bed or not want to sleep alone, she adds.
“If you notice your child having some mixed feelings about the other parent, seek assistance for your child from a therapist. Let the therapist explore the dynamic with the other parent and make some suggestions,” DeSilva recommends.
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