Love without limitation: What exactly is polyamory?

In much of society, we are expected to hold one romantic relationship at a time. There’s even a term for it: default (or compulsory) monogamy. In monogamy, we typically move through relationships, screening partners to see if they could be "the One." The One to buy a house with, have children with, or with whom to embark on similarly meaningful relationship milestones. While the "‘til death do us part" in wedding vows has been cut from many modern scripts, the principle behind it still underpins how people tend to approach and maintain monogamous romantic connections. The formula is simple: love, longevity and exclusivity is the winning combination for successful, meaningful and happy relationships.

That is, of course, unless you’re someone like me. Like many people, I practice a form of non-monogamy called polyamory. I still have loving, often long-term relationships, in which I might achieve the same or similar relationship milestones as I would in a monogamous partnership, but my love isn’t exclusively tied to one person at any one time.

A polyamorous person could be dating one, two or more people simultaneously, or maybe none at all. With the full consent of whomever else we are seeing at the time, we are free to explore the possibilities. Polyamory grants us the opportunity to foster multiple loving, nurturing relationships that are rewarding in different ways.

Chad Spangler, a polyamory content creator and independent artist, feels being polyamorous strengthens his relationships: “I think a lot of people see polyamory from the outside and think the quality of each relationship must be somehow diminished because feelings, intimacy and the like are distributed among multiple people. I've experienced quite the opposite. My previously monogamous relationship is better than ever because of the amount of communication polyamory requires.”

Myth-busting polyamory

One of the main criticisms sometimes leveraged against polyamory is that it is an all-too-convenient lifestyle for anyone who simply wants to have lots of (usually unethical) sex with lots of people.

But, as polyamory educator Leanne Yau explains, that’s not what the word means: “Poly means 'many,' and amory means 'love,'" Yau notes. "While sex is of course a part of a loving relationship for a lot of people, the point of polyamory is to foster intimacy, connection and commitment with multiple partners.”

Polyamory can be incredibly sexy and fun, but it can also be hard work. Being open and honest with multiple people at a time, maintaining consistent lines of communication and coordinating schedules takes a lot of effort.

“Polyamorous people have to be extremely organized in order to maintain multiple relationships … and you are more likely to find them communicating boundaries and negotiating relationship agreements with their partners than participating in a wild hedonistic orgy on any given day,” Yau says.

In fact, sex isn’t a prerequisite of polyamory at all, and neither is romance. Many people who are asexual and/or aromantic feel being polyamorous gives them the freedom to get their other relationship needs met without sexual or romantic expectation.

Tommie H., who is both asexual and polyamorous, says that it allows them to "have a number of different relationships that provide different things and it's much easier to ask for what you need and [have] that be respected, rather than doing what society tells us we have to do."

They add, "This is so freeing and, in my experience, has made my relationships more intimate and healthy."

Jealousy can sometimes be tricky to navigate in polyamorous relationships. We have been conditioned by default monogamy to believe that we should be the sole focus of our partner’s romantic and sexual desire, so it’s only natural that we might sometimes feel jealous of a partner’s new relationship or recent romantic milestone. Finding tools to mitigate jealousy and talking it through with partners can definitely help.

A journey of self-discovery

"[Through polyamory] I learn so much about myself and the ways I desire to heal and grow around relationships and love," polyamorous personal coach Evita Sawyers says.

Since I started practicing polyamory, I too have discovered and healed so much in myself. One of my major realizations is that many of the things I believe my relationships "must have" or "must do" are rooted in societal expectation, rather than my own genuine preferences.

Now, if something happens in one of my relationships that I’m not happy with, I reflect on whether I dislike it because society tells me to, or whether I’m genuinely uncomfortable. Then, I determine whether that uncomfortable feeling is a "me" problem, a dealbreaker or something my partner and I could work on together. This helps me to approach the situation with compassion rather than divisiveness and tends to grant me a more positive, validating experience of moving through a tough situation.

Polyamory as a form of joy

Polyamory isn’t really for the non-committal. It takes excellent organizational skills, self-awareness and a level of vulnerability that can feel emotionally tough to work through at times. But the effort usually pays off; nurturing multiple relationships can also be incredibly rewarding, enriching and joyful, too.

"Being able to express love and affection without guilt or shame has been key to my happiness," Yau says. "It also brings me great joy to see my partners engaging with others in ways that fulfill them. When I love someone, I want them to receive everything that they could possibly want and deserve in life, even if it doesn't come from me. I think that generous, selfless, polyamorous love is what brings me the greatest joy in life.”

I couldn’t agree more. My polyamory is rooted in deep, expansive love that can take any shape and form we want it to. It’s exciting and intimidating and awesome. Like in monogamy, things can get tough, but for me, the rewards of having multiple people to explore different interests with and share affection and intimacy with are priceless.

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