What it's like when your parent comes out as LGBTQ
Melissa Giberson first began to question her sexual orientation at 44, when her children were 10 and 13. Her recent memoir, Late Bloomer: Finding My Authentic Self at Midlife, details her journey of self-discovery and how she tried to support her children amid her revelation and the restructuring of their family.
Giberson’s story is not unusual. An estimated 2 million to 3.7 million American children under the age of 18 are being raised by an LGBTQ parent. According to the Family Equality Council, most of these children were conceived in a different-sex relationship and had a parent, like Giberson, who came out later in life.
“The social and legal progress for LGBT+ people and families in the past 20 or 30 years has really made this phenomenon something that occurs much more frequently,” Samuel Allen, a core faculty member in the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Northwestern University’s Family Institute, tells Yahoo Life.
Here’s what it's like when a parent comes out, and how families navigated the process.
Starting the conversation
Giberson says coming out to her children was the hardest conversation she’s ever had. She knew it would permanently change her children’s lives. “It’s challenging at any time to change your family’s story,” she tells Yahoo Life. “I made the choice to tell them everything at one time with the support of my husband at the time. I told them he was there supporting me and this was an ongoing conversation.” For her, the most important thing was keeping the lines of communication open, because she knew this transition would involve many follow-up conversations.
Allen believes this mindset is key. Parents should allow children space and time to process while also making themselves available for open conversations when their children are ready to have them. He encourages parents to make this clear when they come out, and offers the following sample script for parents to follow: “I have something to tell you, and it’s not really easy for me to tell you, but I really want to share it with you because I love you, and I am not sure how you’re going to react. Please know that any reaction is fine with me. I’m not sure if you’ll want to talk with me, but please know if, and when, you ever want to, I’m here for you.”
The importance of acknowledging complicated feelings
From his research and clinical experience, Allen has found that one of the most challenging things for children is the sense of loss they feel during this time. It can also be harder for them to express their emotions, because this type of loss is not traditional. Instead, it’s a type of ambiguous loss because children have lost this image of a parent they knew as heterosexual or cisgender.
“Fortunately, in 2023, kids — even young adults and older teenagers — were born and raised in an era amidst the relative social and legal progress for LGBTQ people. [The] concern is less about their acceptance of LGBTQ people but accepting their parent as that, because what they knew is now challenged,” Allen explains. “Acknowledging this loss can be a really powerful way of moving forward and processing the experience.”
Angel Martin, the national program director of COLAGE, the only national organization for children of LGBTQ parents, knows this is a courageous and difficult time for parents, but they encourage parents to take on the emotional labor necessary to center youth during the process.
“Let your kids know that no matter what they’re feeling it is OK, and make space for all types of feelings,” Martin tells Yahoo Life. “Maybe your family isn’t progressive or are more conservative or [you were] raised in a religious household where being gay is [considered] a sin, and that is a whole other unlearning [you] have to do.”
These big feelings could also be about divorce or separation. For Giberson, the hardest part of coming out to her kids was their coming to terms with the dissolution of their family. “What was problematic was knowing that the family construct was changing,” she says. “When I had that conversation with them, [they knew] their dad would be, at some point, moving out of the house, and that was upsetting.”
It’s also important to acknowledge that some families may stay together, and some kids may have mostly positive feelings. Both of Bradley Vogel’s parents came out later in life. His mom came out as bisexual when he was in high school, and his dad came out as trans when Bradley was in his mid-20s. Vogel says it wasn’t a big deal because his parents always raised him to be accepting. When he tells other people, they are usually shocked that his parents are still together, but Vogel sees it as a good thing. “I’m happy for my parents to be happy with who they are,” he tells Yahoo Life.
Do you have to tell everybody?
Many kids feel pressured to talk to classmates, friends or family members about what is happening at home. Martin understands this pressure firsthand because their mom came out as a lesbian when Angel was 3. They lived in a rural and conservative part of Connecticut and didn’t feel it would be accepted. “I did not come out casually about my family until my junior year of high school,” Martin says. “Up until then, only my very close friends knew. Knowing that I could do it when I was ready was a huge relief.”
This was the most useful advice Martin received when they were in COLAGE during elementary school. A facilitator told them that you don’t have to share your parent’s news on anyone else’s timeline. Martin found this advice liberating and encourages fellow “queerspawn” to give themselves this agency over their story.
From making a big announcement on Instagram to casually slipping it into conversation by mentioning your parent’s partner, there is no right or wrong way to do it. “You also never have to do it, especially if you’re in school. You can come out to as many people or as few as you want about your family,” Martin says.
What does support look like?
When a parent comes out to a child, it can be challenging for all members of the family. It’s a huge transition with many steps to navigate: the first conversation, possible separation from one’s spouse, coming to terms with a parent’s evolving identity and deciding how and if children choose to tell others.
However, it’s not a process that should be undertaken alone. “This journey was not meant to be traveled solo,” Giberson tells Yahoo Life. For support, she turned to her therapist, books and women who were going through something similar.
A family therapist can help both parents and children. It’s also beneficial to reach out to other people in similar situations, which organizations like COLAGE can help with. COLAGE has resources including a back-to-school toolkit, affinity groups and family trips. “There is space for you in our organization for sure, and if you are trying to grapple with your own internalized homophobia or transphobia, we welcome you here. We want you to have a space here away from your parents,” Martin says.
It is extremely beneficial for kids to find such a space. “Ultimately, what we know from the research is that one of the best forms of support is community,” Allen says. “Being able to find folks and families like yours through organizations and certain social media groups — post-COVID, lots of things are available virtually — can be a really powerful form of support.”
