Where playtime meets spa time: inside Rockliffe Hall, a Wonderland for children and parents alike

I like to think of this column as my monthly foray into the pressing issues of our times. A space in which I explore, unflinchingly, such questions as: can you take your children on a spa break? And, more pertinently still, why in God’s name would you ever choose to?

In search of answers, I am prepared to go to lengths and places others dare not venture. Rockliffe Hall, however, is two-and-a-half hours by train from either London or Birmingham. Plus, it’s a luxury spa hotel. As odysseys go, it’s on the fluffier side.

However, the hotel has just finished building new children’s facilities in an attempt to prove that spas and parenthood need not be mutually exclusive experiences. In this mission, it has one major advantage. Lewis Carroll spent much of his childhood in the nearest village, Croft. Indeed, the Cheshire Cat is rumoured to have been inspired by a carving in its church, where Carroll’s father was rector. 

Thus the new site within the hotel’s rolling parkland is Wonderland themed. Called Mischmasch (after a periodical Carroll wrote but probably couldn’t pronounce either), it includes playground, interactive water fountains and – most wondrous – six little woodland huts, with tiled roofs and deer-antler door handles. 

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Each “pod” has a distinct Lewis Carroll theme and houses different activities for young guests. The kids push open the door to “The Star” to discover a carpet of fake grass, velvet armchairs in brash Mad Hatter shades, and a vast television with Xbox. 

One can only guess how Carroll would feel about screen-time in Wonderland. My seven-year-old, however, was overjoyed. Other pods are flung open to reveal soft-play equipment for toddlers, a pool table for teens, wonky patchwork sofas, giant teacup and a flamingo lamp…

Through the hotel concierge, guests can book a pod for private use – and free of charge. Each is fully lit and heated and you can even order “pod service” (burgers at ￡12, pizza at ￡9).

The nature trail through Mischmasch is dotted with Wonderland sculptures, and lush red roses sway alongside the playground. The slide disgorges children through the open face of a pocket watch; playing cards decorate the climbing castle; and there’s a throne from which the four-year-old bellows: “Off with his head,” with chilling conviction. 

Behind is a beautiful glasshouse, for weddings as well as children’s events. Beyond is a walled garden with a plot for each of the hotel’s three restaurants and new tennis courts (the concierge will provide racquets).

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The kids gyre and gimble between pods and playground as I feel pretty beamish behind my book. Because the truly inspired thing about Mischmasch is that – removed from the main hotel complex – children can galumph and chortle till brillig, without disturbing the serenity of spa-goers. 

The hotel is poised to introduce a daytime and evening babysitting service. But for now, with no kids’ club, my husband and I run a relay race between childcare and solo spa time. But what a spa. The pool is low-lit and lovely, fringed with modern stained glass, deep recliners and a bar selling smoothies, champagne cocktails, free iced tea and fruit. There are myriad rooms of differing temperature or therapeutic effect and long corridors of tempting treatment rooms. Adults lounge in fluffy gowns reading glossy magazines, although children are welcome for two long periods each day. There is a shallow pool, perfect for toddlers. Stranger still, guests smile as ours splash.

In fact, the success of the whole crazy “child-friendly spa” experiment rests largely on the hotel’s uncanny (for a bunch of southerners) friendliness. The staff are the loveliest we have encountered. The seven-year-old mentions his Lord of the Rings obsession and within minutes, the concierge delivers hobbit colouring-in sheets to our room.

Speaking of which… ours recalls a Harley Street waiting room – abundant luxury but with zero colour or character to quicken the pulse. Just what the doctor ordered, but an interior designer would never prescribe. Conversely, in corridors and the cocktail bar, there is a glut of glitz. 

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Then, the food. The Orangery serves a seriously fine six-course tasting menu. Picky eaters in tow, however, we are relegated to the Brasserie or Clubhouse, where the food is fine but the dated décor casts a slightly beige shadow over supper.  

Do you have to be mad to take kids to a spa? Probably. But it just about works in Wonderland. After all, as the Cheshire Cat said: “You must be [mad], or you wouldn’t have come here.”

? Read the full review: Rockcliffe Hall

Rooms cost from ￡210, including breakfast. An extra ￡25 is charged per night and per child, though under-twos stay free. Hattie Garlick and her family travelled with Virgin Trains East Coast.