Question: Why Do I Always Crush On My Friends? Answer: You Might Be Demiromantic
Picture this: It’s a seemingly ordinary day, maybe you’re out running errands or taking a stroll around your local park, then all of a sudden you lock eyes with a capital “H” hottie and you just know, they’re the one. You start dating, you meet the family, you get married and happily ever after. (Roll the end cards.)
If you just read that scenario and thought, “Could never be me,” you might be demiromantic. (And, btw, you’re not alone.)
Demiromanticism refers to the experience of developing romantic feelings only after a deep emotional connection has been established, explains Ummni Khan, PhD, an associate professor of law and legal studies at Carleton University whose research looks at non-normative desires and marginalized sexual identities, especially as it pertains to kink and the criminalization of sex work. Someone who is demiromantic often will not feel spontaneous romantic desire, but might feel romantically attracted to someone once they have formed some sort of prior bond with that person, such as a deep friendship or sexual relationship.
Whether you’re in a relationship with a demiromantic, are looking to start a relationship with a demiromantic, or have an inkling that you might be demiromantic yourself, here’s everything you need to know about this romantic identity.
Meet the experts:
Ummni Khan, PhD, an associate professor of law and legal studies at Carleton University whose research focuses on the socio-legal construction of deviant sexuality with a special focus on kink, sex work, and hard core eroticism
Liz Powell, PhD, a non-binary sex educator and psychologist who serves clients in California and Oregon
What is demiromanticism?
While it’s unknown who first coined the term, a page was created on The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) website for ‘demiromantic’ in 2011.
AVEN describes “demiromantic” as a type of greyromantic, meaning that demiromantics fall somewhere on the spectrum between aromantic and alloromantic (people who do experience spontaneous romantic attraction).
The prefix “demi-” derives from the medieval Latin term dimedius meaning “half” or “partly” (read: demiromantics are only “partly” romantic because they need to establish a deep emotional bond before they can have a romantic connection with someone).
The demiromantic flag has four colors: black (representing the sexuality spectrum as a whole), grey (representing greyromanticism), white (representing platonic attraction and being outside of the gender and sexuality binaries), and green (representing the aromanticism spectrum).
How do you know if you’re demiromantic?
There are no specific guidelines for finding out whether or not you’re demiromantic (and no one can tell if you are or aren’t demiromantic except for you), but here are a few signs that you might fall on the demiromantic spectrum, according to experts:
You desire romantic relationships, but do not develop instant crushes or fall in love “at first sight.”
When you first meet someone you find attractive, there’s an absence of romantic attraction, although you might be sexually attracted to them or want to pursue a friendship.
You strongly identify with the “friends-to-lovers” genre.
After looking at your dating history, you notice that romantic stirrings only began once a heartfelt connection was forged.
It’s easy for you to have a sexual relationship with someone, but love only happens after you’re emotionally invested.
If you’re having a hard time telling whether or not you’re demiromantic, don’t fret. Liz Powell, PhD, a non-binary sex educator and psychologist who serves clients in California and Oregon, explains that it’s harder for people to figure out if they’re on the aromanticism spectrum versus the asexuality spectrum because romantic desire tends to be more fleeting and difficult to describe than sexual desire.
“The labels are there to serve us, to give us ways to understand ourselves, and to begin conversations with others about who we are and how we experience ourselves, so if identifying as demiromantic helps you feel understood and seen, then use it,” explains Powell.
Not to mention, our gender, sexual, and romantic identities shift and change over time, so what feels true for you today might not feel true for you tomorrow, and that’s okay.
What’s the difference between demiromantic, greyromantic, aromantic, and demisexual?
First, it’s important to understand that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two very distinct forms of attraction, yet these two categories are often conflated in cultural representations of desire and love, explains Khan.
How you experience desire related to sex doesn’t necessarily mirror how you experience desire related to romance. “This is why someone could be biromantic, but heterosexual or [a person might be] bisexual, but homoromantic,” explains Powell. “You have desire for people sexually, but not necessarily romantically.”
“Demiromantic,” “greyromantic,” and “aromantic” all describe romantic attraction (see: the suffix -romantic), while “demisexual” describes sexual attraction. Both romantic and sexual attraction fall on a spectrum with aromanticism on one end and alloromanticism on the other (or asexual on one end and allosexual on the other end).
Aromantic: “People who experience minimal or no romantic attraction, desire or connection may classify themselves as aromantic,” says Khan. On the contrary, someone who is asexual (remember: the suffix -sexual refers to sexual attraction) experiences little or no sexual desire or connection. Someone who is aromantic can also be asexual, but the two terms are not interchangable.
Greyromantic: “In the middle we find greyromanticism—such folks experience some romantic feelings, but it’s a rare occurrence or a low-key feeling,” says Khan. Greyromantics are similar to demiromantics, but the main difference between these two identities is that for greyromantics, a prior emotional bond is not necessary for developing romantic attraction.
Demisexual: Someone who is demisexual only experiences sexual attraction towards someone once they feel emotionally close to them. “Both the ‘demi-’ descriptors point to the necessity of a profound emotional bond, but one refers to romantic attraction while the other refers to sexual attraction,” says Khan.
What does it mean to date as a demiromantic?
For demiromantics, friendship and collaboration are usually the gateway to dating, explains Khan. Once demiromantics get to know another person more deeply through hanging out and working on projects together, romantic feelings may grow or the relationship may remain platonic.
Demiromantics might also need more time than non-demiromantics to figure out if a friendship has romantic potential. “If you identify as demiromantic, it’s important not to feel pressure to prematurely determine if you ‘like, like’ someone. Romantic urges may never develop, or occur after an intense few weeks of togetherness or after a leisurely ten years,” says Khan. (Like in When Harry Met Sally.) “There is no set time period to determine the status of your feelings, so enjoy the journey of getting to know one another.”
If you are demiromantic and dating, it might be helpful to communicate to your dates something like, ‘Hey, I don’t know if I’m looking for a serious romantic relationship, but here are the things I am open to…,’ says Powell. This way, the people you are connecting with can make an informed decision about whether the relationship is right for them.
What does a relationship with a demiromantic potentially look like?
Demiromanticism emphasizes emotional connection and compatibility, so if you have a demiromantic partner, take the time to figure out what makes them feel close—maybe it’s having authentic conversations about your innermost thoughts and feelings or maybe it’s volunteering together for a cause you both care about. (Hello, quality time!) “As with all relationships, sharing your preferences and passions will help you design mutually enjoyable dating activities,” affirms Khan.
If you’re not demiromantic yourself, it’s important to not shame your demiromantic partner for their need for emotional closeness. “Our society often celebrates spontaneous and instantaneous romance, which can socially invalidate the demiromantic tempo, so take this opportunity to embrace the slow-burn romance of demiromanticism,” says Khan.
Remember: Just because someone doesn’t experience instantaneous romantic attraction, doesn’t mean they can’t form meaningful relationships. “Someone who is demiromantic could still get married, have kids, and do all of those things. They just may not feel the kind of romantic desire or connection that other people do. The same way that people who are asexual may still enjoy sex, just not have a spontaneous desire for it,” explains Powell.
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How can you support those in your life that identify as demiromantic?
The best way to support someone who identifies as demiromantic is by taking your cue from them. If you’re generally curious about their identity and you’re close enough that you feel comfortable starting a conversation about it, don’t be afraid to ask questions like: “What does that look like for you? What does that mean for you? What does it feel like for you? How do you like to connect with people?”
At the same time, don’t expect your demiromantic loved one to be your full-time tutor on all things demiromanticism. Take the time to do your own research to learn how best to show up for them. (Hey! You’re reading this.)
Above all: If someone tells you who they are, accept it. “The same way that when you meet someone and they tell you their name, you don’t tell them that’s the wrong name for them. If someone’s telling you they’re demiromantic, sit with them, give them space to experience it,” says Powell. “It’s not your job to tell other people who they are.”
If you’re comfortable, someone “coming out” to you may be the perfect opportunity for you to explore your own romantic and sexual leanings. “You may discover that by becoming familiar with demiromanticism (along with other gender, sexual and romantic identities and patterns of behavior), you also learn more about your own special way of experiencing emotional and physical connection,” adds Khan.
As expressed by Powell, we all deserve the freedom and space to experiment with different gender, sexual and romantic identities, even if they don’t end up being what we settle with, so that we may find where we feel most at home.
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