Why My Husband and I Do a 'Relationship Inventory' Every Valentine's Day
Woman filling out a relationship inventory
My husband and I have been together for almost a decade. During that time, we’ve both switched careers, moved to new cities, and had a baby. Not only have we changed a lot as people, but our lives look entirely different now than they did in 2016. Our love back then was carefree and adventurous. Now, it’s filled with obligations, caring for our little human being, and having more serious conversations around finances and parenting methods.
It would be a lie to say that our relationship hasn’t become stale at times over the years. It absolutely has. There are periods where we feel like we’re newlyweds again and there are times when it feels like we’ve been married for fifty years.
That’s why every year, on Valentine’s Day, my husband and I do a relationship inventory. We sit down and assess the health of our marriage. We figure out what needs to be fixed and what changes each of us needs to make. It might not sound romantic but it brings us closer together again. This is exactly why our relationship inventory works so well when we do it once a year.
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6 Reasons Why My Husband and I Do a 'Relationship Inventory' Every Valentine's Day
1. It Shows Us What’s Working
We start the inventory off on a positive note. The first thing we do is share three to five things that we feel are working well in our relationship. For example, last year, I told my partner that I feel like we have our chores split up in an evenly productive manner. Each of us knows what we’re responsible for doing and we both get those things done. He shared with me that he feels like both of us having our own hobbies has helped us grow as people and do something that we each love separately.
Starting with a handful of things that we believe make our relationship work so well helps us have a good foundation for the conversation. It also allows us to see just how strong our relationship is after another year of being together.
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2. It Calls Out What’s Broken
Before the inventory process begins, we each spend time brainstorming three to five things that we feel aren’t working in our relationship. Then, we share those things and why we feel the way we do.
Last year, I told my partner that I feel like our communication habits have declined. He shared that he feels like we’re making less of an effort to spend time together. After we each share our list, we talk about why each of those things feels broken and how it’s impacted our behaviors, emotions and overall feelings toward one another.
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3. It Lets Us Brainstorm Our Next Steps
After we’ve shared our feelings and concerns, we look for actionable solutions. When I shared that I felt like our communication had suffered, we agreed to meet with a marriage counselor once a month to discuss how to open up and share things with each other.
When my husband shared that he wished we spent more time together, we blocked off the first of every month for a date night and set a budget in advance so we had no excuses to put off doing something fun together.
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4. It Helps Us Set Yearly Goals
Once we feel like we have a grasp on how our relationship needs to change, we think forward and plan for the future. We come up with three to five joint goals for the rest of the year.
As new parents with a lot of responsibilities, we try to make half the goals practical and half of the goals fun. One of our practical goals for this year will be to hire a financial advisor and fix our portfolio. One of our fun goals will be to attend a music festival in October that we’ve both wanted to go to for years.
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5. It’s an Organized Way to Process Emotions and Baggage
While doing a relationship inventory on Valentine’s Day isn’t the most romantic activity and involves a lot of time, work and energy, it’s worth it. We both find that by having one day a year where we break down our relationship into pieces, come up with solutions and plan for what’s next, we can spend the rest of the year putting in the work to make life together even better.
These relationship inventories help us process built-up emotions, resentment and baggage that we carry with us throughout the year when we don’t know when or how to bring them to the table.
6. It Helps Put the Spark Back in Our Relationship
After being together for almost a decade, we’ve spent our Valentine’s Days doing many different things—from taking a trip to California one year to having dinner at our favorite local spot another year.
But for the past three years, doing these relationship inventories has been the best gift and experience on that holiday. Even though there’s a range of emotions that happen during the inventory—from laughter to tears—we do feel like our spark is renewed when it’s over. If anything, we feel like we’re back on the same page again and we feel like our relationship has the momentum it needs to shower our year ahead with good times and tools to get through anything that comes our way.
