‘Why I Use the Most Romantic Day of the Year to Virtually Stalk My Exes'
Woman looking at exes' social media profiles on Valentine's Day
I started dating when I was 16 years old. Before meeting the love of my life at 28 and eventually marrying him, I had a handful of ex-boyfriends. When those relationships ended, I had one rule that I liked to follow: I’d do everything I could to remove that person from my life.
I’d get rid of 99% of the items they gave me, no longer holding onto little things like love letters or photographs. I’d delete their phone number from my contact list. I’d unfollow them on social media. Most of the time, this wasn’t because of bad feelings I had for them. Instead, it was because I don’t move on from people easily, even when I know they are not right for me.
After a breakup, I’d find ways to reach out to exes to check up on them or see if they wanted to meet for coffee. This was never a good idea and it often rekindled a relationship that wasn’t supposed to live on any longer than it did.
In order to stay strict with my rule, I decided that I’d allow myself to virtually stalk my exes one day a year. I picked Valentine’s Day. Here’s why.
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I Need a Set Day or Else I Spiral
Before I set this rule, I’d find myself scrolling through my ex-boyfriends' social media feeds once or twice a month. If something reminded me of them or I wanted to see how they were doing, I’d just type their name in and spend quality time on their page.
I realized that this wasn’t the best thing to do. It didn’t make me miss them or want to be with them, but it didn’t seem productive (or even fair to my current partner).
Social media makes it too easy to access a preview of someone’s life. If we’re not in control of how many times we take advantage of that access, we could start to spiral. For example, after a break up with a partner in 2014, I counted that I viewed his Instagram page 45 times in one month.
Setting boundaries around doing this only one day of the year made it feel like a healthier approach.
Related: 28 Tangible and Impactful Ways to Get Over Someone After a Breakup (Even a Really, Really Tough One)
Valentine’s Day Isn’t Just About Current Love
While I could pick any day of the year to check up on the lives of my ex-boyfriends, I intentionally picked Valentine’s Day. The holiday can mean different things to people but to me it’s a celebration of all the love you have in your life, now and in the past too.
I am grateful for the previous relationships I had because they taught me important lessons about communication and what I wanted in a future partner. I want to acknowledge them on Valentine’s Day too. Now, I set a 20-minute timer and spend a few minutes looking at each ex-boyfriend’s social media page.
Feelings Never Go Away, They Just Change
When I tell friends that I stalk my ex-boyfriends virtually on Valentine’s Day, they always try to tell me that this is a bad idea and that I should stop doing it.
Perhaps my friends are right, but for me, it feels therapeutic. I am not in love with the old boyfriends any longer, but I do still have "feelings" for them. Most of my previous relationships ended because we realized we just were not a good match. But because they didn’t end in a toxic way, I do still care about these people and wish them well.
Seeing what they are up to, only once a year, helps me feed the thoughts, worries and hopes that I have for each of these people.
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I Don’t Have Any Additional Motives
When I was younger, looking at my ex-boyfriends' social media feeds usually led to an action. I would feel inclined to like a photo, send a message or give them a call. But I don’t have any additional motives at this point in my life. I am simply only doing this to check up on them and see what has been going on in their lives. I do this silently. I don’t send them a message or engage with their content. I won’t even watch their stories because I don’t want them to know that I am browsing their profiles.
To me, this is a passive way of just seeing how their lives are unfolding. Last year, I saw that one ex-boyfriend moved to France, another got married and a third had his second kid. I felt happy for each of them and nothing more than that.
I Erase Them from My Search Bar
After my 20-minute timer rings on Valentine’s Day, the virtual stalking is over. I erase them from my search bar so I don’t give in to any temptations later in the week to look at their profiles again. That’s been a helpful step to take so that I stick to my rule and move on with my life for the next 365 days.
If there are other moments throughout the year when I find myself thinking about them, I let that thought fade and don’t give in to the desire to look at their social media profiles. I wait until the next Valentine’s Day to take a peek.
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My Partner Knows I Do This
When I first started doing this six years ago on Valentine’s Day, I told my husband. I explained to him the thought process around this and why I found it therapeutic. At first, he was shocked and a little turned off by the idea. But when I explained the process to him and that I don’t take any actions besides looking at the content, he was accepting of this.
It might be false to assume your partner never looks at their exes' social media profiles. I feel content that I am at least upfront with my husband that I do still look at my ex-boyfriends' Instagram and Facebook profiles, but only once a year, for just a couple of minutes. While he has no desire to do the same on Valentine’s Day, he fully supports that I do this, and asks me for updates once the timer goes off.
Next: 10 Fun and Easy Ways To Show Someone You Care This Valentine’s Day
