Why Weaponized Incompetence Hurts Your Relationship
Is your partner pretending to be bad at something to avoid tasks?
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Medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD
Do you suspect your partner is pretending to be bad at certain tasks to avoid doing them? Do you often step in and take over because they don’t know how to do something? Or, do you try to avoid giving them certain tasks because they tend to do them badly? This could be the result of weaponized incompetence.
Weaponized incompetence is when an individual consciously or unconsciously demonstrates helplessness in order to avoid certain tasks or responsibilities, resulting in others stepping in and doing the task for them, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
"Weaponized incompetence can create an imbalance in the relationship because one partner is over-functioning and the other is under-functioning," says de Llano.
In this article, we explore the origins, signs, causes, and impacts of weaponized incompetence on relationships, as well as some strategies that can help you address the issue with your partner.
Where Did the Term ‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Come From?
The term “weaponized incompetence” has been gaining popularity on social media platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter, where people have been sharing stories of how their partners use the strategy to avoid responsibility.
However, variations of this term have been used in other contexts for many years. For example, a 1986 issue of Harvard Business Review magazine discusses skilled incompetence in the workplace, where people skillfully avoiding conflict only for it to eventually blow up and create larger organizational chaos than it would have if the conflict was addressed earlier.
Bestselling author Jonathan Acuff also writes about strategic incompetence in the context of leadership and entrepreneurship, where he recommends strategically allowing yourself to be incompetent at unimportant chores so you can devote your attention to more important tasks.
Why Do People Weaponize Incompetence?
These are some reasons why people might weaponize incompetence:
Shirk responsibility: Practicing weaponized incompetence helps people shirk responsibilities such as household chores, childcare duties, financial responsibilities, or emotional labor.
Avoid discomfort: Weaponized incompetence can help someone avoid the discomfort of having to deal with tasks that cause them to experience insecurity, doubt, or fear, says de Llano. “Offloading the task eases their anxiety around it, and their partner—who carries the weight—offers a false sense of protection.”
Seek attention: Some people use weaponized incompetence to seek attention from their partner. By appearing helpless or incapable, they may elicit their partner’s attention, sympathy, or support.
Maintain control: In relationships where there is a severe imbalance of power, such as an abusive relationship, people may use weaponized incompetence to manipulate their partners and maintain control over them.
Related: How Much Should You Try to Change Your Spouse or Partner?
But Wait, Can Your Partner Actually Just Be Incompetent?
It is possible that your partner isn’t faking it and genuinely doesn’t know how to do something.
In some cases, an individual might truly feel that they are not sufficiently competent at a certain task, says de Llano. “They may express this and their partner may in turn assume the task for them. This, however, reinforces the dynamic of incompetence versus competence.”
For instance, perhaps the person had a privileged childhood where they didn’t have to help out with household chores. Or, perhaps they were overly spoiled by their parents/caregivers and never learned how to take care of themselves.
If the person continues to avoid the tasks in adulthood, the imbalance will continue and they will never gain competence.
Who Is Most Likely to Weaponize Incompetence?
Anyone can weaponize incompetence in a relationship. However, men are often more likely to engage in this behavior than women.
Research shows gender inequality still prevails when it comes to household chores and childcare duties, with women shouldering the majority of the burden.
This can be especially difficult in relationships where the woman also works and has to bear a larger share of the household responsibilities in addition to her professional responsibilities.
Signs and Examples of Weaponized Incompetence
These are some phrases that my signal weaponized incompetence, according to de Llano:
“I have no idea how to do that, can you do it?”
“I’m really not good at that, you do it so much better.”
“This is your area of expertise, you're so great at it.”
“I can do this, but I’m so slow at it that it’s going to take forever.”
“Remember how bad it was the last time I tried doing it?”
These are some examples of weaponized incompetence:
Making the bed: You ask your partner to make the bed but you end up having to show them how.
Buying groceries: You send your partner to buy groceries and they forget half the items on the list.
Putting away groceries: Your partner puts groceries away randomly, without paying attention to where they’re supposed to go.
Cooking food: Your partner cooks a meal but it’s a boxed meal like macaroni and cheese that’s not healthy or nutritious.
Dusting the house: You ask your partner to dust around the house, but they don't do a thorough job so many surfaces are still dusty.
Sweeping the floor: You ask your partner to sweep the floor but they take forever to complete the task and complain about it the whole time.
Doing the dishes: Your partner puts off doing the dishes until you do them yourself.
Caring for children: You ask your partner to change the baby’s diaper but they don’t know where the supplies are kept.
Making cake: Your partner bakes a cake but leaves a giant mess in the kitchen that you have to deal with.
Making decisions: Your partner avoids making major decisions by claiming they don’t understand the situation.
Related: What Is a Man Child?
How Weaponized Incompetence Affects Your Relationship
Over time, effects of weaponized incompetence can erode a relationship. Repeated instances of manipulation and avoidance can weaken the bond between you and your partner, leading to increased frustration, dissatisfaction, and, ultimately, deterioration.
These are some of the ways that weaponized incompetence can negatively affect your relationship:
Imbalance: Weaponized incompetence creates an imbalance in the relationship where one partner shoulders the majority of the responsibilities, says de Llano.
Resentment: An imbalance of responsibilities can lead to conflicting feelings about the relationship, says de Llano. While you may love your partner and care about them, you may also grow frustrated and start to resent them for not helping out more.
Lack of trust: It can be hard to trust your partner when you can’t count on them for help and support in your daily life. You may feel like you have to do everything yourself if you want it done properly.
Conflict: You and your partner may fight or argue due to the skewed distribution of responsibilities.
Communication breakdown: You may hesitate to express your concerns or frustrations, fearing that your partner will use innocence and incompetence as a defense mechanism to deflect responsibility. This communication breakdown can further strain the relationship.
Emotional disconnection: As you feel increasingly unsupported in the relationship, you may start to emotionally disconnect from your partner.
Related: Why Treating Your Partner Like a Child Can Destroy Your Relationship
How to Address Weaponized Incompetence
These are some steps you can take to address weaponized incompetence in your relationship:
Recognize the pattern: Start recognizing the pattern in your relationship. Pay attention to your partner’s words and behaviors, as well as your reactions to them.
Discuss the issue: De Llano recommends having an open and honest discussion with your partner. Focus on explaining how their behavior makes you feel and how they can help meet your needs. For instance, you could say: “I feel like I can’t count on you for any assistance around the house. I need your help and support in this area.”
Listen actively: Give your partner an opportunity to explain their perspective. Practice active listening and allow them to express their thoughts and feelings. Try to understand the underlying reasons behind their behavior, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them.
Establish boundaries and expectations: Clearly define and communicate your boundaries and expectations within the relationship. Discuss what you consider to be fair and equitable in terms of responsibilities. Try to arrive at a shared understanding of what is expected from each of you by the end of the discussion.
Assess progress: Check in with each other regularly on the progress that has been made toward a more equal balance of responsibilities. Discuss what is working, what isn’t, and what can be changed or improved.
Seek professional help: If the issue persists or communication becomes more challenging, consider seeking the help of a couples therapist. A professional can provide an objective point of view, facilitate productive conversations, address deeper issues, and help resolve conflicts.
Learn More: Best Online Couples Therapy and Counseling of 2023
