Wild Moments from The Bachelor: The Women Tell All
The episodes where the contestants "tell all" are some of my favorites in the sprawling Bachelor Nation. They're such delightful theater! They play a little bit like a Jerry Springer episode, a little bit like a community theater production of 12 Angry Men, and a little bit like a murder mystery dinner party that everyone has strangely over-committed to. Oh, the acrimonious screaming! Oh, the pre-rehearsed speeches!
Here's the truth, y'all, this is about 35 minutes of television stuffed into two hours of television. This is like those Golden Girls episodes where they would sit around a cheesecake and "remind" each other of hilarious clips from previous shows. But with fewer shoulder pads and less sharp insults.
But, like those Golden Girls clips shows, there's still so much to love.
(It's a true tragedy that we don't live in a world where the Golden Girls can give life advice to contestants on a reality dating show.)
Best Fashion Moment
This image has just so much going on. The man in a kissing bandit mask on the left, and this hero wearing a Bekah "Found" shirt on the right stole the show. Clearly producers were giving these shirts out because multiple audiences members were wearing them, or a variation that reads "Missing," but something about this woman's blithe confidence really sells the look.
She would have driven out to that marijuana farm and gotten Bekah herself. She would have.
Best Avenging Angel
The surprise hero of this special is Caroline who, dressed in a white pantsuit, is a passionate full-throated avenging angel. When Caroline (who, gotta be honest, I don't remember from the series that well) lights into Krystal for using a slur against the other women in the house, the whole show stops.
Caroline is not here to steal a couple more minutes on television. Caroline is here to burn the place down. Caroline is going to be played by Julianne Moore in the movie version of this and I am riveted.
Best New Line for My Tinder Bio
Tia and Bekah scrap a little bit about Tia questioning Bekah's readiness for a relationship to Ari. Bekah gets in some good shots, unsurprisingly, since she is clearly hyper-intelligent and totally TV-ready. Tia, of course, brings up Bekah's age (22), that great Scarlett Birth Certificate that's stitched into her dress. Bekah is not here for this conversation. She shuts the conversation down with a shrug and the statement, "I'm sorry. I can't control that I was born in 1995," which is how I'm ending all conversations from now on. Please respect my youthful glow. No further questions, please.
Best Person I Literally Have Never Seen Before
There is someone named Olivia here who - sorry Liv - I honestly do not remember and suspect she may have crashed this party. She doesn't say much until the middle of The Trial of Krystal - the great public reckoning for Omarosa Light, which involves all the usual notes: shouting matches, fake apologies, and even a tearful character moment. All of it is pretty boilerplate until Olivia speaks up. Honestly, I was about to call the head of Homeland Security in Bachelor Nation to report an interloper. And then I heard her query. "I have a question." she asked Krystal. "I'm hearing you speak now; why did you speak like" and then she imitated Krystal's infant yoga teacher patois. "Watching it back and hearing you speak now..." Chris Harrison offered, "Are you saying she changed her voice?" A MOMENT OF DRAMA.
Krystal, who gave us breathy vocal fry arias for weeks, is now speaking completely differently, like she got a diaphragm transplant after the show wrapped. This is the most stunning character reveal since Keyser Soze and I am stunned. Krystal offers no answers, only a wink at the camera as she ambles off down the street, leaving no trace of a fry in her wake.
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