X Factor, Sunday, week one: Robbie's better than Gary Barlow, and what happened to Anthony Russell?

Feeling Christmassy yet? Oh come on, it's suddenly September and X Factor's first warm and fuzzy Sunday night audition show has aired: if you're not actually inhaling mince pies, you should at least be broaching a conversation about whose in-laws to sack off this year. But first, let's talk about what went down on ITV as the all-new judging panel of Simon Cowell, Louis Tomlinson, Robbie Williams and Ayda Field met a few more aspiring popstars... 

It’s Sunday so you’re supposed to cry

There are some X Factor traditions that are happily disposed of at Simon Cowell’s behest (adios, Louis Walsh) but others just run and run. Since time (and indeed Louis Walsh) began, Sunday night X Factors have climaxed with a sob story: a recently deceased relative here, an unexpectedly impressive voice from someone with weird hair there… you know the drill.

Tonight’s was a stonker. Remember lairy Scouser Anthony Russell who got booted off last year’s show because he was a little bit werrrr and a little bit waaaay? Well, he’s BACK – and it’s all thanks to new judge Louis Tomlinson “mentoring” him over the last year. It’s unclear whether Louis just sent him some supportive tweets or literally carted him off to rehab, but either way, we are supposed to feel very emotional about it. In fact, Louis himself was so emotional about it that he could barely speak, until, in true end of the night tradition, everybody told everybody they loved each other. It was all a bit much but, hey, that’s X Factor.

(Oh and the good news is, Anthony can still sing. Otherwise it would’ve been a bit awkward).

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Every X Factor judge has their catchphrases. “It wasn’t good, it was great!”, "You look like a popstar, you sound like a popstar”, “Scher-mazing” (RIP)… we could go on. Louis Tomlinson’s, however, is just one word: “lad”.

He first used it to patronise Marc Higgins, 36, who originally appeared on the show in the same year as One Direction: “I was really rooting for you lad”. And he used it approximately three million times during his aforementioned outpouring of love for Anthony Russell, at one point saying “Bloody hell, lad, I’ve got to pull meself together after that, I’m pretty emotional after that, lad, sorry lad, I literally can’t even talk here.”

It’s a little bit grating to be honest, lad, but at least he’s truer to his roots than Robbie “Hollywood on Trent” Williams, who keeps having to correct his own Americanisms.  

Robbie’s quite famous, you know

We have a love-hate relationship with Robbie Williams – perhaps similar to the one he seems to have with himself. We sent him a Valentine’s card in 1993 (still waiting for a reply, might explain the hate) but now find him mostly somewhat ridiculous. Still, all the best X Factor judges are somewhat ridiculous, so we’re enjoying him… for now.

Robbie’s current schtick is pointing out that he is a very famous popstar in a sort of faux self-deprecating way. He reminded the very entertaining Olatunji Yearwood that “I’ve got some of those moves” and mentioned to ex boy-bander Brendan Murray that “when I was 16 I also joined a little boy band called Take That.” Still, the contestants don’t exactly discourage him, with the majority of them sucking up to him in a big way – Louis Tomlinson might be a bigger draw for the younger wannabes, but the likes of Jacqueline Faye, 53, are all about Robbie: “You can call me what you want, you’re Robbie Williams!” she gushed. 

Two episodes in, it’s all pretty funny, but we’re hoping he drops it soon and relaxes into his new role of judge because when he does, he’s actually very good at it (definitely better than Gary Barlow. Ha, take that!). 

It’s the workshy factor

We’re always nervous for X Factor auditionees who bang on about how much they hate their current jobs, given that 95 per cent of them will be returning to them with their tails between their legs before the year is out.

Brendan Murray, the former boy-bander from Galway whom Robbie Williams pretended to relate to, revealed that when he’s working as a plumber “literally all I think about is what I’m going to sing”. Great news if he makes it as a pop star, not so much next time he needs to unclog dear old Mrs O’Connor’s pipes.

Still, we do hope it works out for Brendan, since he was this episode’s victim of Simon Cowell’s song choice whims. The judges didn’t like his first number, so Simon made him come back a few hours later and tackle Kate Bush’s This Woman’s Work, a song he’d never heard before, what with not being in any way born when it was released. The frog in his throat, the hasty pep talks and the moment he tossed away his lyric sheet all felt very scripted indeed – as did the judges’ response. “Congratulations mate, you’ve just had your moment,” said Robbie, while his missus praised Simon for choosing such a good song (don't worry Ayda, it's all going fine, he's not going to sack you yet). Meanwhile, Simon himself provided some excellent footage for a possible future montage of Brendan winning the show: “I have a feeling this song is going to change your life”. Calculated? Never!  

I see dead people

So, as previously discussed, Sunday night X Factors traditionally end on an uplifting note. This review? Not so much. Because we couldn’t help but notice that more than half of the songs selected by auditionees were by fairly recently deceased artists, including three in a row, when George Michael was followed by Cilla Black who was followed by Avicci. It made us feel a bit sad. Sorry.