Yes, You Can Set Boundaries In Every Area of Your Life—Here's How
A few healthy boundaries can go a long way.
Without even realizing it, we create—and neglect—boundaries in all aspects of our lives, all the time. With our friends, our co-workers, superiors and our smartphones (to name a few). On a case-by-case basis they may seem trivial, but refraining from setting boundaries, whether out of fear of retribution or anxiety about hurting someone else’s feelings, only depletes from our own emotional energy tanks until we’re running on empty.
“Creating boundaries helps balance your needs with the needs of the other person in the relationship,” therapist Imani Wilform (MHC-LP), tells Parade.com. “It enables you to have healthy relationships without losing yourself or becoming too dependent.”
Related: How to Be a Good Caregiver and Take Care of Yourself, Too
Learning to protect yourself might mean an uncomfortable conversation, but not having that conversation can have even worse longer-term impacts. Things like “resentment, anger and burnout,” Wilform said.
Behavior can only be modified once it is recognized, so Wilform recommends monitoring yours in any situation either personal or professional. From there, you can start to understand where your boundaries are (or are not) and where they need to be.
How to Set Better Boundaries at Work
Whether it’s something that seems small like answering an email after hours or taking on responsibilities completely outside of your job description, we all have trouble with work boundaries from time to time. Wilform recommends:
Learning to prioritize. “Keep a log of what you do throughout your day for a few days,” she says. “What can be dropped off your plate? Commit to the things you need to get done and try to add in some rest time for yourself to recharge."
Asking yourself questions. “When your schedule is full and a new problem arises, ask yourself, ‘is it my responsibility to solve this?’ Wilform suggests. “If the answer is yes, then take the time to work on it. If not, learn to let others step up and manage without you taking over. Offer advice if you have a spare moment, but don’t take it on for yourself.”
Related: Harry and Meghan's desire to define boundaries is a lesson in family dynamics
How to Set Boundaries In Your Relationship
Communication is always key. Over time in relationships, though, the boundaries can blur. Whether you're establishing a brand new relationship or taking stock of something long-term, Wilform said it’s important to be aware of and ready to discuss boundaries with a partner.
Communicate. “It’s important to let others know when a boundary is violated," she says. “We sometimes forget that what we feel or think can not be understood by others without communicating. No one is a mind reader! Being clear and direct in a respectful tone will help others understand the importance of your boundaries.”
Give and take. “Be mindful of how reciprocal your relationship is and if you or your partner need to do more to provide for the other person,” Wilform said. “This creates intimacy and builds trust.”
How to Set Boundaries With Your Technology
These days, most of us are in toxic relationships with our smartphones. We are instantly reachable and dangerously susceptible to getting sucked into the Instagram or Twitter endless scroll at the push of a button. Wilform has some suggestions for setting boundaries in this type of “relationship,” too.
Set realistic guidelines. We all know it’s unhealthy to watch TV or sit and stare at our phones right before bed, so make sure they’re out of reach,” she says. “Place your phone to charge in the kitchen or bathroom overnight so it isn’t right next to your bed and easily accessible.”
Get out—literally. “If you feel like you’re spending too much time on your phone in the evening, make plans with a friend or go for a walk instead," Wilform said. "If you schedule something on your calendar in advance, you’re more likely to stick to those plans.
Related: Signs of Work Burnout
How to Set Boundaries With Friends and Family
This is a tough one. We don’t choose our families, but we do choose how we are treated by them. If something isn’t working, it’s important to be able to step back and understand what is and is not appropriate behavior.
Be strong. “If you are in a situation with someone who does not respect your boundaries after you have laid them out, they are not someone you can trust,” she said. “If they consistently make you uncomfortable, be willing to walk away.”
Give yourself permission. “Before your schedule fills up, block out time that is just for you,” she said. Put it in your calendar and cement it to your schedule. That gives you the time to check in with yourself without guilt or doubt so you can regroup and prioritize.”
Boundaries are challenging but so, so important to have a healthy and happy life—both for you and the people around you. “Remember that boundaries help us reserve energy,” Wilform says. “By prioritizing well-being now, you’re allowing yourself to be a better friend, spouse or co-worker later.”
Sources
Imani Wilform, therapist
