You're Going To Want To Schedule Regular Check-Ins With Your Friend With Benefits
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Anyone who’s ever been through a tough time (family death, brutal breakup, work disaster, etc) knows that friends can lend a shoulder to cry on. But special friendships may also offer a thigh to grind on, a set of lips to suck on, and a chest to lay on. Yep, I'm talking about friends with benefits.
The term "friends with benefits" is tossed around more than a flyer in cheerleading. But what qualifies as friends with benefits, exactly? "Friends with benefits is best defined as a friendship with someone(s) that incorporates the sexual activities and/or intimate moments usually associated with dating, without the commitment of dating," says Carolina Pataky, PhD, a licensed marriage and family therapist, sex therapist, and co-founder of South Florida's Love Discovery Institute. Typically, people who are FWBs enjoy spending time together as friends. But rather than capping off their night with a pickleback, fist bump, or bear hug, FWBs cap it off by taking it all off.
For commitmentphobes, sexplorers, singles who aren’t ready to "settle down," and anyone looking to safely explore different types of intimacy, an FWB situation can be seriously rewarding (read: orgasmic), according to certified queer-affirming sex therapist Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC and expert for luxury pleasure product company LELO.
But they aren’t for everyone! If you’re looking for commitment and feel ready for deep emotional intimacy, this type of dynamic likely isn’t for you, says Pataky.
Meet the experts:
Carolina Pataky, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT), a board-certified sex therapist, and is a co-founder of South Florida's Love Discovery Institute.
Casey Tanner, MA, is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC), an AASECT-certified sex therapist, and the founder and CEO of The Expansive Group. Tanner is also an expert for luxury pleasure product company LELO.
Ahead, learn more about the potential perks and pleasures of an FWB situation, as well as some of the drawbacks. Plus, five tips for treating yourself and your best-friend-turned-bed-buddy with TLC from start to finish.
How do you know it's a friends with benefits sitch?
Ultimately, what qualifies as a friend with benefits varies based on what you qualify as friends and what you qualify as benefits. Generally, friends with benefits are friends who roll around in bed together. Bluntly, the benefits are sexual benefits. Though, according to Tanner, the benefits can also be romantic. "It’s a spoken or unspoken arrangement wherein two (or more) people with a platonic connection decided to add in a sexual or romantic element into their relationship," she says. These additions can be anything from cuddling to kissing, oral sex to intercourse.
Typically, people see friends with benefit dynamics play out exactly as they did in the movie by that same title: Two people—who are legitimately friends—discover that they also enjoy physical intimacy with one another, says Tanner. Other times, however, strangers or acquaintances begin hooking up regularly, only to discover that there are other forms of intimacy as well, such as intellectual, emotional, and mental.
As it goes, the friendship component of a friends with benefits relationship doesn’t necessarily imply that the two people started as friends. "It refers to the sense that even if sex became off the table, those involved would still choose to spend time together because of the emotional or platonic connection," explains Tanner.
Friends With Benefit vs. Boyfriend or Girlfriend
So… what sets a friend with benefits apart from a partnership? Ultimately, it depends on you and the different agreements you set up with the different lovers in your life.
According to Pataky, one of the main differences is that friends with benefits is not considered a long(er)-term dynamic, especially for those who desire long-term partnership. Most (monogamous) people hope their partner will one day become their fiancé, spouse, or life-partner. Most people do not expect their friends with benefits to "evolve" into a more committed dynamic. In other words, there is no FWB step on the relationship escalator.
Further, most FWBs share fewer types of intimacy than lifelong partners do—or at least, a reduced depth of intimacy. Usually, FWBs enjoy some emotional and sexual intimacy. But most people hope to be deeply romantically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually intimate with their life-long mate.
What are the potential perks of friends with benefits?
Relationship, sex, and mental health professionals agree that there are a wide variety of logistical, emotional, relational, and sexual advantages to having a friend with benefits, so it could be right for you.
On one hand, an FWB offers an easy way to have someone frequently eat out with, and eat out, etc. Certainly, it’s easier to text a buddy you bone for food or freaking than getting onto the dating apps. "Having a friend with benefits can save time and energy," affirms Tanner. Rather than wading through fish-photo-laden dating app profiles to find different sexual partners—and then spending time and effort determining if you actually have chemistry with those partners—a good friend with benefits is someone you can consistently count on for a sexual or romantic experience that feels good, she says.
There are also emotional and physical safety benefits to this arrangement as well, Tanner notes. "Having more casual sex with someone you trust might allow for greater comfort in expressing needs and setting boundaries," they say. "If both friends are on the same page about how they will practice sexual health as part of their agreement, this mitigates the risk of experiencing an STI due to casual sex."
Exploring sex with a friend, rather than a long-term romantic partner, might also pave the way for attachment-related healing, according to Tanner. Yes, it can be part of a process of shifting insecure (read: avoidant and anxious) attachment in the direction of secure attachment. "A friend with benefits is less likely to activate an insecure attachment, which leaves room for you to practice communication while being more grounded," she says.
And of course, there are the potential sexual benefits. "Having a regular friends with benefits can be a great way to explore sexually," says Tanner. Assuming you feel safe, these dynamics can give you the freedom to try out new positions, toys, dynamics, roles, and more.
"For those with very specific kinks, it can at times be difficult to find a committed romantic and sexual partner who also enjoys those same kinks to the same extent," says Tanner. In these cases, whether you’re currently unpartnered or polyamorous, "a friends with benefits situation offers the opportunity to engage in those kinks without necessarily having to have romantic compatibility," she says.
What are the potential drawbacks of being friends with benefits?
The "do not pass go, do not collect $200" sign for FWBs is actively being ready to commit emotionally, according to Pataky. "A friends with benefits relationship is only ideal if you are interested in the physical benefits of having a partner, but not the emotional investment," she says.
Readiness aside, desiring commitment, monogamy, and/or a long-term sexual and/or romantic future with someone may also disqualify you from this kind of relationship, she adds. After all, FWBs by definition are free from monogamy, traditional commitment, and longevity.
Friends with benefits can also be a good option for you generally speaking, but not a good option with the specific person(s) you have your eyes (and thighs?) on. Rarely do FWB situations evolve into something more serious than they started, says Pataky: "In most cases, it gets sticky when someone starts this kind of relationship with someone they have feelings for in hopes of it becoming a romantic one."
BTW, celebs are doing the FWB thing, too:
5 Tips For Making A Friends With Benefits Sitch Work:
1. Pick the right person!
Sure, there are benefits to having a friend with benefits. But how beneficial or miserable that dynamic is ultimately depends on who that person is and how well you two (or you all) communicate.
Tanner suggests asking yourself the following questions before committing to be someone’s FWB:
Do I trust them?
Have they demonstrated that they’ll respect my boundaries outside of a sexual context first?
Do I feel empowered when I communicate with them, or do I lose my sense of self?
Can I accept that our friendship will change?
Would I feel comfortable communicating if the arrangement wasn’t working for me?
Would I be devastated if they end the "benefits"?
2. Talk, talk, and talk some more.
As with any other relationship, the key to a successful romantic relationship is communicating. "Have a transparent, direct chat about your expectations, wants, and needs," says Tanner. And then do it again, and again, and again.
"The arrangement that worked when you began the dynamic may need to grow and shift as you do, and that’s okay," she says. You may even set a Google calendar date to renegotiate your dynamic every few weeks to check in on how/if the certain parts of the arrangement aren't serving you.
3. Determine if you want to keep things on the DL.
When it comes to the other people you’re, well, cumming with, do you and your friend with benefits have a secrecy policy? Or do you each enjoy (or even get off on) hearing about their other flings, dates, and mates? Tanner suggests having this conversation early on, and then again as needed.
If you start getting accustomed to spending a lot of time with your FWB, you may want to start hearing about their other dates so if they get serious with someone and therefore need to spend less time or sexual time with you, you won’t be totally surprised. The number and type of sexual partners will likely also impact if/when you use (or forgo) barriers during sex. Speaking of which…
4. Talk (current) STI status, STI testing, and protection.
Before boning anyone, you’d be wise to talk about how you’re going to protect against unwanted STI transmission and/or pregnancy—and that stands for FWB relationships, too.
Actually, because friends with benefit dynamics usually give all people involved an opportunity to sleep with others, "you want to talk about how often you should each get STI tested again, how you prefer to navigate contraception and barriers with each other and any other partners," says Tanner.
5. In general, understand the difference between monogamy and commitment.
Usually, one of the key features of a friends with benefits relationship is that it is not monogamous. Meaning, it’s not sexually and romantically exclusive. But, Tanner says it’s important to note that an FWB relationship can be committed, without being monogamous.
"Even if the relationship is not exclusive, you may establish, communicate, or feel a sense of loyalty or express a desire to continue the dynamic over time," she adds. Understanding this difference, she says, can help give you both the tools to treat one another with respect.
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