If the Zodiac Signs Had ‘Real Housewives’ Taglines

What if the 12 signs of the zodiac came to life to take over Bravo’s broadcast signals? Lots. Of. Drama. So while we wait for the The Real Housewives of the Zodiac to be greenlit (Andy Cohen, hear us out!), please treat yourself to each of the astrological stars of our imagined reality show.

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Aries: “If you didn’t want to fight, then why did you say ‘hi’ to me in the first place?”

Taurus: “Three things about me: I’m rich, I’m private, and the third is none of your business.”

Gemini: “Your secret is safe with me…and 100 of my closest friends!”

Cancer: “Family is everything, and I’ll support mine to the ends of the earth…unless I have to leave my house.”

Leo: “There’s no in-between with me: You either love me or you don’t realize you love me yet.”

Virgo: “I’m the hostess with the mostess…anxiety.”

Libra: “…Wait, I DID come here to make friends…” 

Scorpio: “I hope you like things hot, because I will torch your house if you look at me the wrong way.”

Sagittarius: “I'm the type of friend who will never talk about you behind your back—I’ll say it to your face and blast you on Twitter.”

Capricorn: “They say money can’t buy you class, but it did for me…and I got it on sale!”

Aquarius: “I don’t see any red flags—I am the red flag.”

Pisces: “Never trust a wolf in sheep's clothing, unless that clothing is Chanel.”

Kiki O'Keeffe lives in Brooklyn and writes the newsletter I don't believe in astrology for people who believe in astrology. You can follow her Twitter and Medium @alexkiki.