11 Signs You Should Break Up With Him Before Christmas
If the only reason you haven’t broken up with him yet is because you already bought him a gift, that’s not great. (Photo: SNL Studios)
By Lane Moore
1. He still hasn’t asked what you’re doing for Christmas. It’s next week, and we still haven’t talked about whether or not we’re spending it together? OK, bye then.
2. He doesn’t seem that great, so it’s unlikely that his family is a collection of miracles. If you’re not even hyped to spend the holidays with him, spending it with the people who raised that bizarre turd of a human being is probably not going to redeem him in some way. Plus, if his family rules, you’ll just leave his house thinking, What the hell happened to make you so meh?
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3. You’re pretty sure that if you stay with him, you’ll just spend Christmas complaining about him to all your relatives. Answering every question your family asks you about Jamie with “I can’t even with him” will ultimately result in your drinking too much eggnog and telling your younger cousins that sometimes guys have ex-girlfriends they can’t get over and that’s just life. Do not be that cousin. You’re scaring people.
4. You’re really excited about going home for the holidays because it means you don’t have to see him for a while. Ideally, your being with your families in two very far-apart states should make you pine for each other and write long, The Notebook-style love letters to each other. If you’re more excited about being able to ignore all the “sup” texts you won’t have to answer while you’re there, that’s not a good sign.
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5. If someone left a new boyfriend under the tree for you as a present, you wouldn’t be mad. In fact, you could probably help them pick one out because you keep a list of ways you wish your current boyfriend would change at all times. You can also totally email that list to the shopper if need be.
6. You can’t imagine spending Christmas with him this year, next year, or really any year ever. If you don’t see a future together, why even bother spending the present with him? Because he’s mildly good at sex? So are a lot of people.
7. Your New Year’s resolution is to figure out what the hell this relationship even is. Spoiler: It’s something that you need to end ASAP.
8. The only reason you haven’t broken up with him yet is because you already bought him a gift. One time, I bought a guy a bunch of pins with characters from his favorite movie all over them, but then he treated me like crap at his holiday party. Did I stay with him anyway? No. I gave the pins to a friend who also liked that movie and also put one of them on my jacket. Then I would stare at it and laugh because he didn’t get my cool present because he was a turd. Ha. Ha. Ha.
9. You find yourself watching Love, Actually over and over again and dreaming about what it would be like to fall in love with someone else. When you’re imagining nonexistent men buying you flowers and treating you the way you wish the person you’re with would treat you, it’s time to send a text or, if need be, make a ~*cAll*~ and end this shitshow.
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10. You’ve already made solo New Years Eve plans because you know that spending it with him is a bad idea. Hmm. Drinking PBR while you yell at me because I didn’t like your Instagram posts enough this week? I am RSVPing “no forever” to this.
11. All the gifts he’s given you in the past were painfully bad and you do not need another one to add to the shameful pile in your closet. Two pairs of Crocs in a size 9 when he knows you’re a size 7 and a watch with Hello Kitty on it when you never said you liked Hello Kitty are more than enough.
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