'Affair fog': Why some people jeopardize healthy marriages for quick flames

Why would anyone risk a healthy, stable marriage for a quick fling?

People often imagine affairs involve a miserable partner escaping a troubled, toxic relationship. And sometimes that's the case, however, infidelity can occur in stable marriages, too.

How? Experts say it's a phenomenon called "affair fog," which occurs when the person engaging in an affair is hyperfocused on the excitement of a new relationship and cannot properly understand the mistake they are making.

"Someone in the affair fog will be immersed in this fantasized honeymoon phase of the new fling, and they don't think about the emotional toll it takes on the people around them," says Darlene Kollet, a relationship coach.

A 2020 study found that in addition to relationship woes, affairs are motivated by low self-esteem, stress and boredom. Those findings were in line with past research that revealed people overwhelmed with stress were more likely to cheat as an emotional regulation strategy.

"An affair is always an escape from something, even if it's not necessarily the marriage itself," says Kevin Barry, a licensed psychotherapist. "People often do it to relieve some internal stress, like, 'my marriage is great, but I need something else.' So they find relief through someone else, where everything seems perfect because you're not dealing with the stressors of a committed marriage."

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Marriage is hard work, and meeting someone new can feel fun and carefree. But these temporary feelings of excitement often cloud moral judgment and the reality of consequences.

"You're not really thinking straight," Barry says. "You meet this seemingly magical person who fills all your needs and shows you what you're missing in your own marriage, but the affair fog doesn't let you see the reality of responsibilities you aren't dealing with: chores, picking up kids and other stressors in longer-term relationships."

Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure."

Some people may end up leaving their spouse for the affair partner. But experts say that more often than not, the adrenaline rush of an affair provides only a temporary thrill – with permanent consequences.

"The fog clouds your judgment and makes you try to justify the affair by finding excuses to pick your marriage apart," Barry says. "But once the fog begins to lift, you start to realize: 'What have I done?' 'My family isn't actually that bad. My kids are going to hate me.' 'How do I go back?'"

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Kollet adds: "The fog usually lasts until the affair becomes real, and it's not fun anymore. It's not secretive and now it becomes real life…and is that the person you wanted to leave your wife or husband and family for? Most times, it's not."

As a result, the person being cheated on is "put in a complete crisis" because of their partner's decisions.

"They're doubting their reality, like. 'How was I not enough? What did I miss?' And this results in lower self-esteem and a feeling of helplessness," she adds.

A healthier way to cope with stress or unmet needs in the relationship is effective communication.

"It comes down to letting your spouse know how you feel," Kollet says. "Confront your partner about how you feel or what you're unsatisfied with. Affairs have a lot to do with internal struggles, so figure out where these triggers are really coming from."

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'?