I expected Ruben Gallego the F-bomber to run for US Senate. Who is this imposter?

Somehow, somewhere, I triggered an algorithm that now assaults me with ads for Ruben Gallego for United States Senate.

I can’t boot up without Gallego’s hangdog face staring at me from my computer screen, pleading with me, imploring me to contribute to his campaign.

I know Gallego is a child of the 1980s and ’90s, but this is too much.

He’s running the Edith Fore campaign.

Remember that 'fallen and I can't get up' ad?

Edith Fore, you ask? Who the heck is that?

Edith Fore is someone you know well. You never heard her real name. You probably don’t remember her stage name — “Mrs. Fletcher” — but you know Edith.

Do you ever.

Edith was an unforgettable fixture of 1980s and 1990s American television, when young Ruben Gallego was coming of age in inner city Chicago.

She’s the elderly woman who lay sprawled on the floor beneath her walker, presumably after a bad fall.

She didn’t really fall. We know that thanks to a 1990 story by Phoenix New Times.

She just posed that way in tragic equipoise to recreate a spill she once took in real life.

She was there to give a B-commercial a kind of A-authenticity as it looped over and over with reruns of “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Andy Griffith Show.”

And it’s soooo authentic.

Edith’s hands are held in dramatic freeze, her pinky and forefinger extended, just so, before she cries out in that unforgettable and enfeebled voice a plea for the ages:

“I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up!”

That's Ruben Gallego campaign strategy

Boom! Right there! That’s Edith’s signature line. And it’s the Ruben Gallego campaign in a nutshell.

Every time I turn on my computer, there is Ruben Gallego desperately pleading, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

So to speak.

I don’t know where he dug it up, but somewhere Gallego found the only poll that shows him losing to Kari Lake, and now he’s working it with all the tragic schlock of the great Edith Fore.

“Not the news I was hoping to share,” says a weepy Gallego on social media. “But polling has us down 3 points to MAGA-extremist Kari Lake. And the truth is, we’re pacing behind on our fundraising goals.”

The first time I saw this Gallego pitch, I thought to myself, “Ruben Gallego is losing? I thought he was ahead. Way ahead.”

Then I went to the Real Clear Politics Average and, of course, he’s nearly 5 points in front of Lake.

“Who is this imposter?” I thought.

Where's the Marine who swore like a sailor?

Where is the insolent wise-acre who was always dropping F-bombs on my Twitter feed?

Beauties like this ...

“The f---ing former President of the United States tried to lead the coup himself.”

“@MarkMeadows you traitorous f---.” 

“This a--hole will be crafting policy for women if Republicans take power in 2022.”

“Just to be clear f--- you @tedcruz you f---ing baby killer.”

That was then.

Gallego is way ahead of Kari Lake

Today, I get ad after ad with Ruben Gallego figuratively sprawled beneath his walker, begging for someone, anyone to help him to his feet.

Like this one:

“Incredibly bad news … Kari Lake raised $1 million in one night at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago earlier this week.”

Wait a second. Didn’t I just read that Ruben is killing it on fundraising?

Where is that story?

Oh, here it is. Ronald J. Hansen. Arizona Republic. “Fundraising for US Rep. Ruben Gallego skyrockets with Kyrsten Sinema out of Senate race.”

So Gallego “entered April with $9.6 million in cash,” as Hansen reported. And now he’s pleading poverty?

He’s Edith Fore. He can’t get up. Not without my $5 contribution.

Gallego needs some of his youthful vigor back

Will someone please pick Ruben Gallego up off the floor and brush him off?

This sad-sack routine is growing tedious, and I fairly miss the old days when Gallego would carpet bomb us with F-this and F-that.

Gallego has every right: To mention he's Latino

Where is that Ruben Gallego?

The Marine, the leatherneck, the devil-may-care Gallego.

The one who runs on youth and vigor and industrial-strength profanity.

I’m tired of this imposter, this gray-haired guy powered on prune juice.

Phil Boas is an editorial columnist. Email him at [email protected]. 

This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: Ruben Gallego is a firebrand, not the stodgy Democrat he mimics now